August 31st, 2010

Labour Lords a’Leaping

As much as the candidates may try to spin it, it is clear the old guard still have the ability to upset the leadership apple-cart. Guido, like most people, wasn’t really paying much attention to the squabbles of the weekend after Mandy dipped an oar in. To summarise, it seems the Dark Lord made a supportive comment about Miliband D, who promptly said “woah there, back off with the endorsements”. Miliband E took offence, and a man who knows all about winning, Lord Kinnock came to his defence. As ever Lord Prescott got angry.

All fascinating stuff that kept the news channels occupied over the long weekend. The Labour Party is really covering itself in glory with this fascinating, in depth, internal discussion about it’s future. News is starting to emerge of Blair’s criticisms of Brown in his book published tomorrow. How convenient for the rest of the country that the Labour Party go into meltdown about the past, the war, the lies and the spin the day the ballot papers go out…

Perfect timing our Tone.


  1. 1

    Oh come on Guido! Not ‘Miliband E’! To me he will always be ‘Limited Ed.’


  2. 2
    Gery Mandering says:



  3. 3
    concrete pump says:

    How very fucking DARE you put those wankers in Star Trek uniform’s.

    That’s an insult to the Federation.


    • 10
      Red-top Landing Party says:

      Set phasers to…SHUN


    • 13
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      Its just a fictional organisation that no-one really has cared about since the 1970s


      • 91
        Ooh, innee bold? says:

        Where were you in 2009 cockpuppet?

        This has lasted longer than a lot of 70’s organisations you could mention.


        • 134
          sockpuppet #4 says:


          Not at any star trek convention. Or a labour party conference. Or a slade gig for that matter. So ride my chopper.


          • Ooh, innee bold? says:

            Hmmm….didn’t mention if you had seen the film or not. Oh and you could be in luck with the chopper ride, I charge a special rate for pensioners.


    • 35
      I was taught English at school says:

      What the hell is a possessive doing in the word “uniforms,” Mr Pump? Your faltering grasp of English mirrors that of Guido himself. For example, see his use of “it’s” in the introduction above. “It’s” is short for “it is.” “Its” is the possessive and should have been used above.


    • 130
      Dr Who? says:

      Guido, could we have a picture of George Osborne and David Cameron and Nick Clegg dressed up as Daleks exterminating our public services so when they have exterminated those key services they will then be able to afford to give whopping big tax breaks to millionaires and billionaires, like George Bush did in America?


      • 164
        Gonk says:

        I suppose there may be a remote possibility
        you actually believe lefty economic theory works.
        If that’s the case have a pleasant delusional Tuesday.
        If not, then swallow 3 kilos of Alka-Seltzer and entertain your
        pals down the boozer.


        • 171
          George Bush (My grandfather funded the Nazis but don't mention that in my CV FFS) says:

          My right wing economics of giving tax breaks to millionaires and billionaires really gave a boost to the American economy….oh, hold on a minute….


  4. 4
    jgm2 says:

    Too bad we can beam them all down to the surface of the sun.

    Ooopsie, transporter malfunction.

    Useless cu*nts.


  5. 5
    The Irelevant Election says:

    I do not find dung beetles fighting of a cow pat very appetising this time of the morning


  6. 7
    Talk of Bollocks’ new baby 'not suspicious' says a midiwife says:

    Talk of an imminent pregnancy being hatched by the man-and-wife Team Bollocks were discounted last night.

    “ Although it’s natural for conniving bastards to use every trick in the book to get attention and media coverage, I think the chances of Eddy babe conceiving a babe are fucked – no pun intended! “ she laughed.

    Babe Cameron did get a few pics the Midiwife admitted. “ But after all, we’ve seen Clegg so many times, it’s getting boring “ she added.

    Bollocks’ balls, hopes, and expectations are empty said a passing dog.


  7. 9
    The Dodo Party says:

    Yawn. who is remotely interested inthe Labour party?

    Ed Bollocks was on the telly earlier talking about someone called “Yvette Cooper”. He couldn’t even say my wife so giving the impression that at least one other Labour MP agrees with him.


    • 210
      Susie says:

      Having a wife is probably very shameful in the Labour Party, their allegiances must only be to State and Party. A gay/straight partner is just about tolerated.


  8. 11
    P. Doff says:

    “…after Mandy dipped an oar in.”

    Oh Guido… you have such a way with words!


  9. 12
    RalphMiliband'sGhost says:

    Dear oh dear oh dear.


  10. 14
  11. 15
    Anonymous says:

    meet the new boss, same as the old boss


  12. 16
    Pressure groups should be outlawed says:

    So who is this pressure group campaigning for compulsory Toll Roads?

    Dave had best not listen to the twats. The days of Toll roads in the UK ended a couple of centuries ago. Are they so brain dead as not to realise that the more miles you travel the more fuel tax you pay, the more you contribute to the roads? The gas stations collect the tax free of charge for the government and it can’t be avoided.

    Why the flying fook do they want to set up a complicated systems of Tolls that will be expensive to operate if not loss making (like the M6 Toll road is)


    • 20
      Cynic says:

      Wake up that boy at the back! . . . reconstituted QUANGOs have to do something!


      • 32
        Gonk says:

        They certainly do. Count fish, ants, trees
        and of course the number of Charities in the UK.


        • 61
          Dig for Victory says:

          Listening to a discussion on R4 about the wicked coalition cuts and their effects on charities made me realise how old-fashioned my understanding of the word ‘Charities’ has become.


          • Susie says:

            There are so many — all after government/EU/UN funding. They’re certainly not for the nice old lady who sends them a fiver once a month out of her pension (although they might be very interested in getting her estate when she dies).


    • 25
      Sir William Waad says:

      We’ve already paid for our roads about 40 times over. Making us pay again would just be theft.


    • 42
      jgm2 says:

      Road-building is always a ‘make-work’ favourite in economic down-turns.

      If only Labour had built a few more roads at least we’d have something to show for 800bn quid of additional debt as opposed to just NHS doctors working 3-day weeks because, well, why bother working any more – it’s 50% tax after that.

      800bn just squandered. It’s like that film Brewster’s Millions where the guy had to get rid of $30 million in 30 days in order to inherit an even bigger fortune. With the proviso that he must have literally nothing to show for it.

      Brown’s Billions.

      But without the pay-off. Well we’ll have to pay it off obviously while he idiots about his house in Fucking Scotland telling anybody who’ll listen how fucking clever he is and how he, personally, saved the world. The fucking nutter.


      • 45
        jgm2 says:

        I was travelling around the US last month and stopped off in Idaho Falls or someplace. With the room came not the usual USA Today but a local paper. And there, on the front, was the big local news. The local school had had 30K of funds approved for a new entrance so parents could now drop their kids off and drive out the other way thus avoiding big blockages/hold-ups/etc.

        Who gives a shit? Well it seems that when they’d last put the job out to tender in 2005 or 2006 the cheapest quote they got for the same job was 400K.

        That’s the big fucking mistake Brown and Labour made. They got the job done for 400K.

        They’ve paid top dollar for PFI contracts when builders could name their price. Now builders are desperate for any work and prices have come right down. But, oh, fuck me, Brown’s already blown the lot. Committed us to paying top prices for a generation.

        What a fucking arsehole eh?


        • 69
          sockpuppet #4 says:

          The joys of hindsight.

          Find a way of making it work the other way round and you’ll be minted.


          • Hindsight?

            Maybe in individual cases, but PFI was obviously an off-balance sheet scam from the start, even by the admission of the Audit Commission (which back then hadn’t yet been suborned by New Liebour) in 2000.

            It was effectively injecting massive profits into the construction and land management sectors at the expense of future generations, all the while not being declared as public d*bt.

            Yes, Major’s lot invented it, but the enthusiasm with which New Labour committed our childrens’ and grandchildrens’ taxes to their vainglorious urge to rebuild has added to the beggaring of Britain that these parasites have brought about.


          • sockpuppet #4 says:

            I’ve always thought PFI bollocks.

            But theres the other part: don’t buy in a boom.
            Here’s my predictions:
            In 2004 I thought that house prices were about to crash.
            in 2008 I thought oil would never again be below $100/b


        • 77
          It makes I weep says:

          Yep Blair and Brown pissed it all away knocking down the Poly Technics building shiney plastic Universities under PFI, promoting the Poly teachers to University lecturers with the pay rises and pensions that go with the unsackable job. Then sending the yoofs what would have gone to the local Tech and got proper quals to the Plastic Universities to study just about anything as long as it ain’t useful.

          What a F ing legacy to new labour and a massive financial burden for generations to come.


        • 200
          smoggie says:

          It wasn’t the construction capital costs which are now the crippler but the outrageous financial charges made by the developers for providing the initial capital. The NHS has acquired about £11bn worth of assets at a cost which will ultimately rise to £65bn over the many years to come.

          Whoever agreed these terms wasn’t acting in the best interests of the taxpayer. In China they would shoot them.


      • 50
        Labour party worker says:

        So thats a maybe then ?


      • 54
        JohnBellingham says:

        “Road-building is always a ‘make-work’ favourite in economic down-turns.”

        Only if they all head East mein fuhrer!


        • 83
          Same old dumb solutions says:

          Those days are gone. Now rail on the other hand!. A Maglev system would pull in many different industries and employ many many more. try something new. It gets people fired up,and God we need that.


    • 64
      Travels a lot says:

      Since the toll opened I haven’t been in a traffic jam, and I don’t use it.I stay on the M6.So it must be working.


    • 103
      Cato Street Conspirator says:

      You just don’t get it, do you? Toll roads are to enable rich bastards to drive in peace whole poor bastards take the low road. Why don’t you understand the basics of the Big Society?


    • 179
      Must get a pseudonym one day says:

      What we need to understand is the long-term problem facing government. Currently they take billions every year in tax revenue from motor-fuels, all easily collected at the refineries and the VAT Returns.

      Trouble is, in a few years when everyone is charging their green-cars through the electricity mains overnight, then that revenue stream dries up.

      So all the games with road-pricing and toll-roads are attempts to define a new method of capturing revenue from motorists to replace the easy-billions they’ve had from liquid fuel for generations. Where this will end up, no-one yet knows, but we can be certain that an alternative method of extracting funds will be devised.


  13. 18
    Caz says:

    Civil war in the labour party breaking out today. kinnochios on EdM’s side, bliar and mandy on daveM’s. bliar also launching a scathing attack on brown through the marr show tomorrow, the nearest he dare get to appearing in public here.

    With luck, since even most of the labour party also hate bliar, it will push them all to vote for EdM as leader on those ballot papers that are also coming out tomorrow.

    I do hope whoever wins they are going to make EdB shadow chancellor. It would be so sad for his highly amusing neo-endogenous growth theory to sink into oblivion. We really must keep this entertaining brainless man in the public eye to keep reminding us what a load of beetle dung labour is.


  14. 19
    Anonymous says:

    Is Mandy always this bitchy about people he doesn’t like?


  15. 21
    Cassandrina says:

    In the interim period that the losing tossers are squabbling over who is leader of a disfunctional and incompetent party, the BBC are acting as unofficial Labour Party spokespersons.


  16. 23
    Sir William Waad says:

    The Labour Leadership contest, Day 197. Or is it 198? Time passes so slowly here in Victoria Street, it’s hard to tell. Spring passes into Summer and now Autumn’s on its way. I can only keep track of the day when the sun’s out and the shadow moves round my cell…..I wonder what we will have in the slop bowl today?


  17. 24
    50 Calibre says:

    You couldn’t make it up.

    Blinkybollox may have a problem landing the shadow chancellor’s job after his constructive comments about the probable winner. It’s good to see the rats in the bag tearing each other to bits. It restores my faith in the Labour Party to fuck up every bloody thing they do…

    Cameron & Clegg must be really enjoying watching this bunch of losers lose. I am!


    • 38
      gildedtumbril says:

      Daffy Camoron and Ruprecht Cleggover are just another pair of worthless tossers whose speciality is treason.
      I curse the bastards down the corridors of hell for an eternity, and then some.My vindictiveness knows no bounds, in common with their treachery.


  18. 28
    Gordon Moron declaiming to the grounds from his asylum window, before his post-brekky bowel movement says:

    Members of the House will be relieved and glad that, as a result of entreaties by my publisher, I am writing an accompanying volume to my forthcoming booky. It will be entitled ‘My Life of Courage and Commitment’. I am assured that avid readers will welcome this news, as will the many millions of my well-wishers around the world.

    As with the first volume, wherein I give a full account, so in the second. The subjects include:

    1. How I single-handedly, and without the reassurance of body armour, Courageously destroyed the tallybunnys from a helicopter flown solo by myself.

    2. How I, as a supreme example of Courage, took centre stage before adoring crowds, at the Special D-Day Anniversary Celebrations in Normandy

    3. My own personal approach to situations in which Courage is required.

    4. The sometimes intolerable pressures on a Courageous Person, – or Person Of Courage as I prefer – and how to survive them!

    5. How, through My Own Personal Courage, I confronted the wicked Tory Boys on their own ground, namely, economic disaster.

    6. The role of tautology in autobiography

    7. My effortless Courage in baiting the Tory boys at Prime Mincer’s Questions.

    8. My singular role in Courageously dissing Phoney Tony.

    9. How I Courageously stopped the floods, and my plans to end Gobla Warming through oppressive taxation

    10. How I Courageously defied pressures to sign the Lisbon Treaty (until everyone had gone)

    and so on


    • 33
      jgm2 says:

      Pure North Korea.

      And yet absolutely on the nail regarding the Maximum Imbecile.


    • 96

      One can see Winnie the Pooh playing the Monocular Mentalist in an animated version of the book, with special songs for very courageous bears…

      although casting Piglet as Hazel Blears, and Eeyore as Alistair Darling may be controversial ;P


  19. 30
    Pregnant Woman says:

    I hate Labour


  20. 39
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Labour are so last century


  21. 40
    angelnstar says:

    Tony Blair said David Miliband was his Wayne Rooney. Sure, he fluffs every shot he gets at goal, and flops whenever it really matters, so that fits,

    What Boris Johnson would like to do to the wheelie-bin woman. No, not that, something else.


  22. 47
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever ! says:

    Mandy is right , If labour go to far laeft while it would apease the core vote and the unions , It would also make them unelectable


  23. 55
    T.B£iar - the People's Messiah says:

    Everyone must buy my book. It is packed with rodomontade and verisimilitude.
    It’s called ‘The Journey’ because I’ve been taking every one of you for a ride for years now.


    • 68
      Anonymous says:

      Amen to that Tone,Amen. Never a truer word spoken. Truer,you-I jest!


    • 71
      My Lord Prezza of Trough, struggling out of thick glutinous stinking mud in the Humber Estuary says:

      I’ll give him fuckin’ Journey!!

      The bastards told me there was deep water here!

      Anyone gotta sandwich . . . ? . . . patsy . . . ? . . . pie . . . ? . . . . chips . . ? . . . anything . . ? . . .


      • 194
        Anonymous says:

        I have to ask – you keep saying “patsy”. Do you mean “pasty” or do you really intend to consume a young lady called Patsy?


    • 102


      You are Christopher Monkton and I claim my £5!


      • 127
        T.B£iar - the People's Messiah says:

        Nope ! Nor Monckton nor ‘Monked’ on !

        The prize is doubled to a tenner.


        • 140

          Monckton is the only person I have seen use the word in an article, apart from the execrable Brute Anderson many years ago.

          Not sure that ‘verisimilitude’ is an attribute I’d expect from Blair, though – his approach was not so much to approach the truth as to cover it in layers of stucco and repaint it in his own image.

          I do like ‘rodomontade’, though – it is an excellent description of most political memoria.


  24. 62
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

    Ferrets in the sack before the election and ferrets in the sack after the election …………


  25. 66
    Caz says:

    Who’s going to be the guest speaker at the labour conference in the Autumn?

    tone or gordon? Personally speaking I think castro would be more of a crowd puller.


  26. 70
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

    Makes you wonder if they regreat dumping 3 times winner Blair init ?


    • 97
      Engineer says:

      He got out while the going was still (just about) good. Things were going to get very sticky for him if he’d stayed on, and he knew it. He may not have been bright enough to forecast the recession, but he almost certainly knew that if a recession happened, Brown’s economics would leave us worse-placed than most countries.

      Bliar was thinking more of “securing his legacy” than of governing in the country’s best interests. Spare no regret for Bliar.


      • 101
        Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

        I dont like the hoon , But would Blair have got into Bigot gate? and as the election was pretty close ………

        Just saying it must eat them inside


        • 141
          Engineer says:

          You’re probably right. Bliar was much better at the PR side of things than Brown. However, the recession would have hit anyway, and if Bliar had still been in place, he would have had to deal with the aftemath of the Iraq war – and he’d have been right in the political firing line, not keeping his head down in the Middle East.


      • 132
        bandersnatch says:

        And also he decided to quit while he was still well-saleable on the lecture circuit.


  27. 72
    nelsons Erection. Trafalgar Sq says:

    Fuck all this shit. The population have woke up, they are emailing and texting the mongs at the BBC calling the “honourable members” traitors and invoking the treason act.


  28. 75
    Anonymous says:

    Milliwitt E was interviewed on SKY yesterday and kept going on about courage to change etc etc .
    This is the guy who as part of Browns inner circle stood by and let the clown wreck everything he touched. Where was his courage then ??

    There is no doubt that Brown surrounded himself with lickspittle yes men whom he could bully.
    One of these is now having us believe he is a man of substance !!!
    I think not.
    The Unions agree and thats why they want him as the leader. So easy to manipulate you see.


  29. 78
    Solving the Deficit: A Frog Naval spokesman, hurling taunts across the French Channel, says:

    Ah ha hah ha! Hey Rosbifs! . . who has yor navee now???!!!

    You pig-ignorant little inglundas – vee rule zer wavs now!!

    And yor puny little boats! – we build ours bigger and better!

    And you hav no money for zer boating!! – vee will let you borrow an old dredger if you can cough up zer do.

    Eat shitty chips on your day-trips to Calais – it’s all you can do on zee water now!!

    I fart in your general direction!!! Zo!!!


  30. 81
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

    So is silly season over now ?


  31. 82
    Engineer says:

    I have to confess that I haven’t really been taking much notice of the Labour leadership contest, there being more pressing matters affecting the country, such as how to reduce the deficit. However, what bits and pieces I have seen in the media all seem to have been one or other of the candidates, or their supporters, waffling. Need to change, that sort of thing.

    Has anybody heard any of the candidates saying bluntly, “We got it badly wrong with the country’s finances, and we’re sorry. Next time, we’ll only spend what we can take in taxes without stifling the taxpayers and the wider economy.”

    Until one of them does, I’m not interested.


  32. 86
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

    Because socialisim doesnt work Labour have to keep re-branding and shifting , What will the new labour leader call labour next ?


    • 92
      Cynic says:

      Noo Old_Noo Noo_Old Lie_Bore ? (or would that be Boring_Liars? – never am sure)


    • 95
      Spare a copper Mlud says:

      Conservatives will know capitalism is working when children are selling matches on the streets.


      • 105
        Engineer says:

        All the political “-isms” fail, because none of them really take account of the complexity of the human condition. Britain is about as near to getting it right as any country, and it’s taken us a couple of thousand years of history and trying things out to get there. It still isn’t perfect, but as Churchill said, it’s the worst possible system apart from all the others.


      • 120

        Labour will know socialism has worked when children are selling crack on the streets…

        Oh, hang on…


  33. 87
    Gordon Brown says:

    Mummy says if I’m good today, I can have a fizzy lemonade with my packed lunch. Yay!


  34. 90
    Do not feed the mongs says:

    Morning mongs. Have you worked out yet that they are all cheating you.?


  35. 93
    Not Next Labour but... says:

    New Labour is history. Coming Soon…

    Nude Labour
    Launched with a speech by a naked John Prescott.


  36. 104
    ignition Coil says:

    Alex Jones getting major airtime today calling for armed insurrection.


  37. 106
    Gordon Brown says:

    I’m having a party this afternoon. You’re all invited. Come and celebrate my general election victory. There’ll be fizzy orange, walnut cake, paper hats and karaoke. There will also be a charity raffle and the winner will get to have a dance with me.


  38. 112
    Don't you DARE make fun of my Labour party! says:

    I wuv dem. They make my liddle winkie hard! Leave dem alone or I’ll cwy and cwy like a whiny Liebore pussy! Waaaaaaah!


  39. 113
    NeverRed says:

    The three stooges comes to mind


  40. 114
    MP says:

    I’ve got my hand in the till


  41. 118
    Ethan says:

    Surely Blinky should be Ensign Redshirt…you know the one who always cops it (usually horribly) in the first two minutes when they beam down to a new planet.
    Live in hope anyway.

    Oh and the difference is that lots of people actually liked Star Trek whereas Labour…..


  42. 125
    Neil Kinnochio says:

    If I hadn’t resigned as leader in 1992, I would have led Labour to landslide win after landslide win and we’d still be in power. Well all right!


  43. 128
    Anonymous says:

    Miliband looks like a natural as Spock.


  44. 133
    Armadinnerjacket says:

    I making plutonium now


  45. 142
    Tapestry says:

    The fact that Mandelson feels sufficiently threatened by Ed Mil to speak out tells you that he fears DMil is slipping backwards, and the Blairites are losing control of the party.


  46. 148
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

    Guido , Any chance of putting a list up somewhere of words that are modded ?


  47. 152
    Imam Obama says:

    You will all be Muslim soon, or dead.


  48. 156
    Billy Bowden is the greatest umpire ever! says:

    Fuckin hell just heard the P*kistan players involved could face the death penatly


  49. 162
    trekkie troll says:

    Has anyone done the ‘beam me up snotty’ jape yet?


  50. 163
    Dr Who? says:

    Guido, could we have a picture of Liam Fox dressed as a Dalek, exterminating our SAS Regiment and our Brigade of Gurkhas during wartime?


  51. 165
    War,the last big ponzi scheme says:

    Hmmm a mobile phone taped to a bottle of antacid,sounds like a dry run bombing test to me. Another PanAm, just what they need to start the next big ponzi.


  52. 166
    Tone says:

    I don’t wish to lower the Tone


  53. 167
    The ghost of Alan Clark says:

    Beam me up, totty.


  54. 173
    Toilet Splatter says:

    Arsehole Prescott seeks to create fear in the populus by misrepresenting the coalition’s scrapping NHS direct

    At what point will this useless tub of shit realise the real and lasting damage he is causing by telling lies?


  55. 175
    News Flute says:

    Heard it here first

    The 4 accused Pakistani Cricketer are claiming asylum here because of the posibility of the death sentence if they return to Pakistan


  56. 189
    James Gordon Brown says:


    My name is James Gordon Brown and em, I’d just like to say, em, that I’m not a man, em, to be trifled with.

    I eat nine, yes nine, em, bananas a day and, em, I run nearly a mile every day except, em, Sundays which is em, the Sabbath.

    Now, em, if you’ll just excuse me I’m just off, em, to hold hands with my wonderful wife Sarah.

    Good bye.


  57. 195
    Ed Balls says:

    Fuck off, the lot of you


  58. 196
    Blinky is a cunt says:

    BBC reporting that Blinky has attacked what he calls the “Miliband soap opera”. Oh oh, Blinky’s getting desperate. Next thing you know, he’ll get McBride to tell everyone Ed and Dave are in an incestuous relationship.


  59. 202
    Enjoy it while you can says:


  60. 203
    Enjoy it while you can says:


  61. 204
    For those who missed it first time round in May says:

    Another chance to enjoy.


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives

Subscribe me to:


AddThis Feed Button

Guido Reads

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,647 other followers