June 7th, 2010

Ed Balls Campaign Diary*

Project Bake ‘n Tweet went well, spent my Friday afternoon trying to comprehend the nanny and extract her recipe for Romanian lasagna so I could put it on the Twitter. Hopefully the translation went well and I think I came across as a normal family man.

The campaign team is growing now the nominations are in the bag, was a little embarrassing when it was just the Speaker’s wife manning the phone lines. Not exactly sure what she does and the wine supplies at the London HQ were really eating into out budget. Alex has agreed to stay on and loyally spin, despite a pay-cut, or possibly just because he can’t find a job.  Alex says he has secured the support of left-wing nut-roots blogger Sunny Hoondal to back me, which just shows how popular this anti-immigrant thing is becoming on the left. The interwebs is mine, I will be leader.

Charlie reckons the immigrant bashing will play well with union members, if we can succeed in getting Diane Abbott nominated it will work even better. Spent the weekend bashing Poles and Turks – it’s almost as if I’m fighting my local campaign on a national scale. It will upset some of the Party but I’ve got to do something different though, the membership polls aren’t looking too good. How dare they rank me least popular politician in the country?  Even bloody Mandelson is more popular. It’s all Gordon’s fault, he keeps calling me but I just get Nicola to tell him my battery is dead.

Andy Burnham is looking likely to get his 33 nominations despite everything.  Not so easy to put the frighteners on nowadays. Sometimes I miss Damian.

*As leaked to Guido


268 Comments

  1. 1
    Anonymous says:

    battery dead like your fucking brain and the Labour party

    Like

    • 4
      Kit says:

      I have been trying to come up with what my elevator pitch to Ed noBalls would be – the 30 to 60 seconds you get with someone in a lift when they can’t get away. However I just can’t decide were to start. Any ideas?

      I’ve given up on one for Brown, the chances are he has moved into the spider hole they had prepared for him in case the balloon ever went up. His beard must be nearly as long as Sodum Husseins’ was when they caught him by now.

      Like

    • 47
      Ticked of teccy says:

      and the interweb is nine,the rest of us call it internet.Militwit went to MIT,to study what?

      Like

      • 91
        jgm2 says:

        Probably to see if he could improve on a ‘D’ in ‘A’ level physics. I’m amazed they let the imbecile set foot in the place.

        Like

    • 80
      Dear Ed says:

      I have a what would you do Ed dilema.

      I brought my shopping home from Lidl’s in an empty carboard box. Do I put the box in the recycling so that the council can drive out here and pick it up, then drive back to their depot, where the box is then driven off to a recycling center, from where the box is processed into pulp and then dried and manufactured into another box? Or do I put the box on the fire, heat up my room, the back boiler and have a hot bath ?

      Like

      • 171
        Susie says:

        If you have a garden and a compost heap, rip it up and it’ll rot down nicely amongst the grass cuttings.

        Like

  2. 2
    Reichschancellor ( in-waiting and waiting and waiting ) Balls says:

    Everywhere I go, people keep saying, ‘Ed, you’re a great cock
    cook.

    Like

  3. 3
    AC1 says:

    Sunny’s name made me laugh.

    Like

  4. 5
    Down with Brown! says:

    Lots of babies attacked by foxes. Maybe if people were free to hunt them again and pursue their traditional country sports then fewer of these attacks would happen.

    Save babies, legalise fox hunting!!!!!!

    Like

  5. 6
    Down with Brown! says:

    Have Balls/Cooper ever actually used an Eastern European nanny? Would be bloody funny if they have.

    Like

  6. 9
    Doubles ( standards)all Round says:

    I see Ed Milliband has been rude about his kindred spirit Mendelson.Latter also lining up to be, so informed circles advise the Private Secretary to a future King Charles 111 who is still in awe of Peter for getting public acceptance of Camilla. Ghosh HRH needs some savy advice. Friday saw him, so I hear from a relative up North, opening an extension at The Glenlivet Distillery so Chivas Regal ( Pernod Ricard) can double the malt whisky production and sell more to China and India and Pakistan. So here we have the Royal Colonel of The Black Watch, and The 51st Highland Regiment currently deployed and tragically dying in Afganistan to stop the natives there producing poppies for their favourite drug opium, whilst encouraging expansion of his favourite drug Whisky for these Indian and Pakistani chappies! See “YOU TUBE” link to opening of Glenlivet Extension 4june 2010.

    Like

  7. 10
    council lad says:

    2 people who want shooting Edd Balls and that fucking twat and labour lover Andrew Marr what a fucking disgrace has any one told him and the BBC
    that Labour lost the election

    Like

    • 25
      Just sayin says:

      My mate sevices his noddy car a nissen figaro

      Like

    • 53
      Paul Parton says:

      Perhaps they have been told but they just do not understand?

      Like

    • 102
      jgm2 says:

      The Tories should just set Marr free by lifting the injunction.

      Like

    • 264
      Ballstoyoutoo says:

      I saw the beeb interviewing Tessa Jowell about the 2012 Olympics after labour lost the election, pretending that she was still in charge! Also, being a posh boy, shouldn’t Marr be on the other side?

      Like

  8. 12
    Swiss Bob says:

    Gove took on Balls in the Education Questions debate today, not as funny as last week’s effort but still amusing:

    Education Questions Gove v Balls Round Two.

    Like

  9. 13
    Nazi Mumsnet says:

    Balls will like our broken biscuits recipe.

    We breed for the Nazi Labour Party.

    Like

    • 139
      Gorgon, the Moron's Moron (still disorientated in time, space, - in fact anything) says:

      Ah – that’s good news.

      I’ll reward each sprog with a mega flat-screen plasma TV, and a copy of all my speeches.

      Now go fuck some more and make the next one.

      Like

  10. 14
    Dack Blog says:

    Let’s hope Balls isn’t keeping a Ba(d)Als-style diary. I couldn’t bear to see his ugly mug bleating on the Beeb ad infinitum in a desperate attempt not to fade into obscurity once he fails win the leadership election. I daren’t put the telly on at the mo’ in case I’m ambushed by Campbell’s Kaa stare.

    Like

    • 69
      Engineer says:

      Even worse scenario – his cookbook earns him a deal as a television chef. The thought of Ed doing a cross between Floyd and Nigella whilst demonstrating his mighty muffins for the camera would be enough to turn most stomachs, I think.

      Like

  11. 15
    Balls Cockbook says:

    For Dessert, Salmonella Surprise

    Like

  12. 16
    Balls Cockbook says:

    Hard Times Recipes. Forced to eat gruel after Labour rule.

    Like

    • 43
      Edwin Bollocks says:

      Even when I’m hungry Evadne feeds me that special sandwich of hers.

      Keeps me going.

      Forget what she calls it, – she always seems to have it with her.

      Like

  13. 17
    anon. says:

    How is the Lockerbie bomber doing these days?

    Like

    • 21
      Abdelbaset Ali Mohmed Al Megrahi says:

      Sipping cocktails in the bar, flirting with the waitress, sending the odd thank-you text to Gordon.

      Ta for asking.

      Like

    • 22
      Al McGrahy says:

      Dear Gordon,

      Thanks for the free flight home. Weather excellent. Don’t wish you were here.

      Like

    • 31
      nell says:

      Busy being royally entertained by gaddafi and his globe trotting son alongside the gadaffi’s bosom pal tony bliar.

      Like

      • 67
        Check it out says:

        Why don’t you research the story,it is the Scots legal system with the CIA involved in corruption and fit ups.

        Like

        • 77
          nell says:

          Oh right and bliar and mandy and straw had nothing to do with it? Clean as newborn lambs huh??!!

          Well alastairc we don’t believe labour lies any longer! Not that some of us ever did!!! But you tell it to the guardian and the beeb and they’ll echo you word for word, labour tribalists that they are!

          Like

          • Genghiz the Kahn says:

            Didn’t Brown try to pass the blame on releasing the guy onto Kenny McAlistair or some other jumped up Scot Nazi who claimed that Scots Law was more compassionate than any other legal system known to man.

            Its time that Call Me Dave and Nick Clegg encourage a select committe or other body to haul Brown in to explain why the deficit was allowed to grow so rapidly and why the Treasury forcasts were so hopeless from 2002. The one eyed Hunt should not be allowed to go to ground and rest whilst the rest of us have to work our balls off to pay off the creditors.

            Like

          • nell says:

            brown passing the buck. It’s what labour always did wasn’t it?

            And it is still trying to do it with decreasing success!!!

            Like

          • G Brown says:

            Buck passing started in America

            Like

          • Sir Barrington Minge says:

            by the way,

            where is that fat retard Broon anyway?

            Sooner or later he has to emerge from his grotty little hole in Scotchland and reappear in the house – he still pretends to be an MP after all.

            bet he’s shitting himself about that. the laughter will be long and loud.

            he deserves every second, the inept. mendacious, lying bugger.

            Like

  14. 23
    Balls Recipe says:

    Cheap & Easy Listeria Lunches. Simply follow Ed’s recipes on Twitter.

    Like

    • 45
      Engineer says:

      Ed looks more a “botulism butty” type. He doesn’t look the sort that would “do” lunch.

      Like

  15. 24
    Head Lizard says:

    If Nick Nobinson is a double for Mars attacks Balls is second closest

    Like

  16. 26
    Can't remember my moniker says:

    The other Ed: All of us believe in dignity in retirement.

    Epitaph for the Labour Party?

    Like

  17. 27
    The Court of Public Opinion says:

    The losers infighting is getting interesting. Here loser Milliband publicly knifes loser Mandelson: http://tinyurl.com/2asyesh

    More please.

    Like

    • 39
      The sound of screaming parasites is music to my ears says:

      If you think it’s good now, wait 6 months, when the dismantling of everything they did is firmly under way. Laugh as they watch powerlessly, laugh as they scream, as it’s all brushed away. And there’s nothing they can do, except scream.

      Like

      • 49
        Dig for Victory says:

        Unite will try and disrupt everything at their members long term expense

        Like

        • 62
          The sound of screaming parasites is music to my ears says:

          Unite will drag the Labour Party Parasite Party further to the Left, and further into the wilderness, further into oblivion.

          Unite’s class-hatred is impotent, their strikes a side-show, their screams will be beautiful.

          Like

          • jgm2 says:

            Yeah. Diversity co-ordinators withdraw their labour. Millions of boxes go unticked. Nobody gives a shit and we don’t have to pay ‘em.

            Like

    • 44
      nell says:

      dignity in retirement? dignity and mandy?

      mandy is scrabbling around fleet street trying to flog appearances to maximise the sales of his diary. badalcampbell is doing the same , and bliar, well look at what he’s doing in retirement? Then there’s gorbalsmick and prezza who’ve been retired off to that great troughing house the HoL and gordon who said he wasn’t retiring but appears to have disappeared instead. Unless of course he’s taking a long overdue rest in a clinic somewhere.

      Nope labour don’t understand dignity in retirement

      Like

      • 90
        leaveyourdadinpeace says:

        Gordon’s still in his study. He hasn’t yet managed to stick all the posters into his footie book, from Morrisons.

        Like

      • 106
        jgm2 says:

        Dignity in retirement? Aren’t they the crowd organising trips to Switzerland?

        I think there’s a little dig in there.

        Like

      • 174
        Richard Hannay says:

        I suggest that the Jock Plod examine the possibility that MaCavityis doing a Robert Donat and clinging to the Forth Rail Bridge. The paint crew unfortunately won’t be back there soon as I believe that they have found a more-lasting formula!

        Like

      • 190
        Susie says:

        Off went the radio (yet again) the other morning the minute they announced some feature about what Mandelson’s up to (or should that be ‘down on?’

        For the nth time, BBC — we’re NOT INTERESTED!

        Like

  18. 32
    Floods says:

    Can’t make my mind up when to get started

    Like

    • 42
      Ace Innick says:

      Normally a week after the hosepipe ban and a day after the Met pronounce a barbecue summer, isn’t it ??

      Like

      • 50
        Engineer says:

        Check out B&Q’s new range of Barbeque Umbrellas. I get a vague feeling that they’re hedging their bets.

        Like

        • 94
          How much does the MetOffice cost, out of interest? says:

          I actually made use of a BBQ umbrella yesterday, when we were hit by a torrential downpour on a day the Met Office had confidently forecast absolutely no rain.

          Like

          • AC1 says:

            Don’t worry, their 100 year forecast will be accurate*.

            *Even if that’s mathematically impossible.

            Like

          • Radar says:

            Look at the Met Office rainfall radar page on their site. The rain won’t catch you out then.

            Like

        • 105
          Mr Plum says:

          I might be stupid but how does a BBQ umbrella differ from a standard umbrella, does it double as a parasol in case of sudden climate change.
          Is it fire proof, has it got holes to let out unwanted smoke, does it have a hot plate fitted to the handle so you can eat at the same time, perhaps a salt and pepper dispenser fitted in the handle.

          Like

          • An 'elf 'n safety ossyfa says:

            Oi!

            Don’t you be a’comin the funny stuff boyo!!

            We kno wots roit and what’s wrong.

            We kno all there is ter kno.

            And whether or not we tells you is for us ter kno and you ter guess.

            So we’re not a’tellin you til you try to use it.

            Then we’ll probably stop you – and if possible take youi to Caught.

            That’s all – carry on – we’re a’watchin you!

            Like

          • Imnotcomingoutmyroomyoucantmakemebrown says:

            It is a Parasol for people who don’t know what a parasol is

            Like

  19. 35
    Mitch says:

    Poor ole ED eh. The toilet bowl of obscurity and getting a real job await. No more power, no more flunkies and people ignoring his (idiotic) opinions and telling him to “fuck off loser” all the time.
    Ahhh revenge is sooooooo nice……..see you on the streets eddy boy, paybacks are a bitch eh?

    Like

    • 100
      Samee says:

      One of life’s golden rules … be careful who you kick as you’re climbing the ladder, because sometime you’re going to pass them on your way back down.

      Like

  20. 37
    Doc Beaker says:

    Andy Burnham is going to have major problems down the line,he needs to get power before that happens

    Like

  21. 38
    Herr Comrade Herman von Rumpy Pumpy, zer Kommandant der EUSSR, unt zer Master of zer UK arschlochen says:

    Heil! das schwanzlutscheren der GB!

    Hier ist yor Master vo Rumpey-Pumpey!

    Unt vee vill hav zer plumpen Bollocks fur zer next Furhrer ov zer Partee Lie_Bore. He haf no brane unt unter our control ist.

    It ist our vill – unt make it happen vee vill!

    Zo!

    Get back to yor peasantry – svinehund!

    Ha!

    Ha!

    Ha!

    Like

    • 60
      Gordon's Gone says:

      Herman, du Arschloch.

      Du kannst unsere Budget NICHT lesen.

      Bitte, steck dein Kopf auf deine Arsch.

      Like

      • 74
        nell says:

        gordon’s gone and hid just as the truth about his mega spending spree is coming out into the light – but Where is he??!

        He was quite keen to make sure he got on the six o clock news on the sunday after he lost the election, walking to church and being a family man.

        I bet he hasn’t been back to that church since!!! It was just a PR prop wasn’t it?

        Like

  22. 40
    Jimmy says:

    John McDonnell’s funnier than this.

    Like

    • 72
      nell says:

      Oh you think admitting that you have urges to assassinate people is funny and a good qualification for the next labour leader then!!

      Personally speaking I think him or edballs , or any of the others really, are as much as the dwindling, corrupt, morally b+++nkrupt labour party deserves!!!

      As I’ve said all along I want to see the liberal democrats become the opposition
      (yes I know they’re coalition at the moment) and labour to become of less relevance in Westminster than the snp!!

      Like

      • 78
        Jimmy says:

        I said he was funnier than this. I didn’t say he was funny.

        “I want to see the liberal democrats become the opposition”

        So do I Nell, so do I.

        Like

        • 153
          nell says:

          Well good then!!!

          But I didn’t think he was any where near funny!!! I just thought he was sinister!!!

          Like

          • Jimmy says:

            I can’t take him seriously enough to find him sinister. I remember when he was passing round the begging bowl when Terry Dicks was going to take his house. Didn’t get so much backchat off him then. He’s an 80s relic whose 15 minutes of fame run out on Wednesday. Of course you can buy Guido’s theory that his ten nominations mean New Labour is dead if you prefer. Certainly funnier than his spoof diary.

            Like

      • 227
        Anonymous says:

        Irony detection kit in post, nell.

        Like

    • 217
      TaT's Drawers says:

      this coming from an unfunny cretin and shitbag like TaT

      Like

  23. 41
    Ed Bull says:

    100 different ways to serve up tripe. So bad it’s offal. Vote Labour for a free tripe recipe. Hurray while stocks last.

    Like

  24. 51

    We will be in power again in 3 months, under Prime Minister Ed Balls! We are the natural party of government! We made Britain great again and gave prosperity to all!

    Like

    • 57
      lolol says:

      Jeez you must be on some good stuff or are you commentating from La La Land.

      Like

    • 58
      The Beast of Clerkenwell says:

      Have you considered electro therepy?
      Piss in the nearest plug socket and you could be cured

      Like

    • 61
      nell says:

      Well I’ll give them their due , they gave prosperity to the people they put in the HoL like sugar uddin and on and on.

      They gave prosperity to bliar and mandy and a few others of their elite and OMG what prosperity it is .

      They gave prosperity to the ministers in their government , my word haven’t they lived it up – twatson managed to spend 100k on his tiny westminster flat and philhope 40k (except in his case his neighbours in corby said most of the stuff he had spent his ministerial expenses on appeared to be sitting in his corby garden!)

      And they gave prosperity to whelan, the unions and the labour HQ with all that money laundering they did!! And on and on …………….

      Unfortunately the rest of us are now left paying the bill for their financial incontinence.

      Like

    • 63
      Liar Byrne says:

      Sounds like you’ve been drinking London Pride forever.

      Like

    • 68
      Proud of Labour? What interesting standards you have. says:

      “We made Britain great again and gave prosperity to all!”

      You’ll be taking that message to the people of Faluja, will you? In person?

      You can hear how they think Britain’s great. You can gaze munificently at their prosperity.

      Like

  25. 55
    The Beast of Clerkenwell says:

    Ed is a fat ugly middle aged nincompoop
    The sort of winker who wants to take over the helm of the Titanic as it sinks
    That Eastern European illegal immigrant double act are just as stupid.
    I no longer give a word that rhymes with luck
    I wont be paying for that winkers pension nor his dog food(sorry Yvette)

    Like

  26. 59
    Ballsup Recipes for Disaster says:

    Lose weight with my all new dysentry diet.

    Like

  27. 70
    The Beast of Clerkenwell says:

    Gordon is in the priory
    REALLY
    Under observation, not a padded cell or straight jacket, nothing dramatic, just quiet time
    Unlike Blair he actually has a soul
    The Christian in me wishes him peace
    Just ring the Priory Glasgow and they will neither confirm nor deny that he isn’t a patient
    That means that he is
    He will be out this weekend

    Like

    • 76
      Professor van Helsing says:

      After the suns gone down? (it wasn’t a Fox you know).

      Like

      • 145
        The Chicken of Clerkenwell says:

        Guido is in the priory
        REALLY
        Under observation, not a padded cell or straight jacket, nothing dramatic, just quiet time
        Just ring the Priory Glasgow and they will neither confirm nor deny that he isn’t a patient
        That means that he is
        He will be out this weekend

        Like

        • 215
          TaT's Drawers says:

          go fuck yourself TaT you schizo druggie mental case
          you said you were fucking off from here yet again so why not stick to your word for a change thick as thieves you lying little shitbag

          Like

    • 79
      Anonymous says:

      Beast, not being rude, but, judging by your usual comments, you’re probably the most unlikely source of Christian pity since Vlad Tepes. Have you accidentally swallowed some plant food, or something?

      Like

      • 83
        streamfisher says:

        Praise be the Lord, the sinner repents his ways, that just leaves the other two \\\\\B’s, Blair and Brown.

        Like

    • 84
      Not exactly a fan of Mr G Brown says:

      Is he naked in a pitch-black cell full of live uninsulated 240v electrical cabling?

      One can dream..

      Like

    • 146
      The Chicken of Clerkenwell says:

      Tebbit is in the priory
      REALLY
      Under observation, not a padded cell or straight jacket, nothing dramatic, just quiet time
      Just ring the Priory and they will neither confirm nor deny that he isn’t a patient
      That means that he is
      He will be out this weekend

      Like

  28. 71
    Tomlinsons arse says:

    My Ricky

    Like

  29. 73
    Pol Pot says:

    I would like to publicly endorse Ed Balls.
    He is a fine fellow and helped Mr Brown to destroy the wicked English.

    Like

  30. 75
    Muslim asylum seeker says:

    I want free money and house. Or I will beheads you.

    Like

    • 82
      nell says:

      I hear frankfields, osborne etc are looking at ways to cut back on welfare benefits and to make able bodied people work for them.

      You want money and a house , you should find yourself cleaning public toilets , picking litter off the streets or even joining the army to peel potatoes endlessly for chefs looking after troops fighting terrorists in godforsaken places or even digging latrines for troops in godforsaken places.

      You are able bodied and want benefits then you should have to work for them.

      I think that’s fair!

      Like

      • 88
        Muslim asylum seeker says:

        No. Allah forbids me to work for infidels. You must givings me the free benfitings.

        Like

        • 92
          Engineer says:

          Don’t worry, mate, you won’t have to work for Infidels. They went bust during the recession. Try getting a job as a hairdresser – all sorts of fringe benefits, I’m told.

          Like

          • streamfisher says:

            That was Woolworths, Infidels are opening a nation wide chain of shops coming to you soon on every high street, they are currently recruiting for security personnel.

            Like

          • Chinese Communist Party says:

            Comrade nell’s not wrong you know
            we routinely use slave labour and it’s never done us any harm

            Like

        • 138
          that Hitler bloke says:

          fraulein nell is bang on the money

          “Work Sets You Free”

          nell could have reflected on the wisdom of that if she worked in the establishment where that particular sign hung

          Like

      • 134
        Stalin says:

        the batty old cun’ts right!
        send em all to work in goolags until they love Dave as much as nell

        Like

  31. 81
    Ignoble Cumbrian Police Federation says:

    Fuck chasing Derrick Bird! I’ve got my overtime to think about – get behind that fucking Tranny van – NOW – before any fuckers sees us!

    Like

    • 87
      nell says:

      No be fair!

      If you were an unarmed police officer facing a maniac with a rifle and a shotgun , paid a pittance compared to what our mp’s are earning, would you walk up to him and let him shoot you in the face or the chest or both??!!

      My concern rests on where the police helicopters were, and I read there were two.

      So why, when the three unarmed police officers, who were tailing him early on 10.30 to 11.00??? who were targetted by bird when he realised they were following, didn’t the helicopters pick up his track??!!

      The Police clearly lost him for a significant period of time and the IPCC needs to look at why that happened.

      Like

      • 95
        IPCC( not Independent) says:

        harsh, but why didn’t they duck behind the van, let him get in he car then get in the van and ram him off the road – one cannot fire and drive at the sane time. If they rammed himhard enough one the coppers could have jumped out and called for asssistance whilst the othe rammed the fuck out of the car. In the confusion Bird might have got the feeling he was outnumbered and then there is a possibility he might have tried to leg it or be confused enough to give the other coppers time to get to him.

        Ther will be no medals for bravery here thats what I’m saying

        Like

      • 99
        Engineer says:

        I know that area of the country, having worked in the locality a few years ago. Tracking someone round there isn’t easy – the sideroads wiggle and wind about all ways, and the terrain being quite up-and-down, you can’t keep sight of someone easily, and high speeds are just not possible without ramming a stone wall at some point. Getting armed officers, or helicopters, to the general locality would have taken time; remember, this is not an urban area – the distances are considerable.

        It would be very easy for a police car to be fifteen seconds behind Bird, come round a bend to a cross-roads or junction, and not know which way he went. The map of his route showed that he stayed off main roads and stuck to minor roads and lanes. Tracking him would be a sod of a job even with a helicopter.

        Like

        • 113

          No mate, there are no bloody sideroads! That stretch of the coast road past egremont has maybe half a dozen left and rights in five miles, apart from farmtracks, all gated, and all either turn back on themselves or hit dead ends. When he was on that A595 they could have had the armed cops up from sellafield – a couple of miles – plonked on the 595 at calderbridge or gosforth, ideally both,a nd he’d have ha dnowhere to go.

          I was up there last week, while it was all going on – sitting in the middle of a lake as it happens. But in the pub afterwards, the locals were obviously talking about little else – the *main* thing they talked about, I havent’ heard anyone else mention: loads of people saw him, in the car, Joe Public knew where he was even if the police didn’t, but… they couldnt’ call it in. No mobile signal. A direct quote “If it werent’ for friends of the earth and the rest of those c’unts, they could have got him after the first three!” IE, what the locals want isnt’ a shotgun ban, but phone masts…

          And my own view… you dont’ go on a *planned* killing spree armed with birdshot. Seen all the injuries? Birdshot. Wos that all about?

          Like

          • Engineer says:

            There are no bloody sideroads? There’s nowt but bloody sideroads.

            The first responsibility of the Civil Nuclear Police would be to ensure the security of the site and the safety of those working on it – they wouldn’t have been charging round the local countryside until the danger was known to have passed the site; and dealing with civil emergencies is not what they’re there for. Thet would have lent every assistance possible after their primary responsibilities had been discharged, but not before.

            The mobile phone mast problem is a valid point, but given that the 999 system was under intense strain anyway, it’s possible that people could have rung and had to wait to speak to police.

            Birdshot? Quite possible that he didn’t plan the killing spree until the night before, so he used what ammunition he had. Who knows?

            Like

          • jgm2 says:

            He just flipped. And birdshot will do the job at short range. Put a number 7 into the ground from about 6 inches after a mole one time. Ohhh – that’s a big hole. No use at all at (say) 25 yards although they’d undoubtedly have your eye out.

            Nope. The chap just flipped. At least Cameron isn’t succumbing to some post-Dunblane idiocy where you were either for banning guns or you were pro shooting schoolkids in cold blood.

            Unfortunately shit happens. The most constructive thing we can do is to just do as they do when somebody streaks at a cricket match. Just kill the picture and talk about something else. Don’t give ‘em their posthumous publicity.

            Same with the Maximum Imbecile although he’s helping out by lying low after his woeful self-justifying, wife-and-kids-belt-and-braces-human-shield farewell.

            Remember the victims. Forget the murderer. It’s the best (only?) revenge we have.

            Like

          • “There are no bloody sideroads? There’s nowt but bloody sideroads.”

            But they don’t *go* anywhere. Gosworth for example – you have four ways out: Wasdale – dead end. Eskdale- Hard Knot, best ambush spot in the british isles. The 595 south, the 595 north. Unless the guy took off vertically you can’t miss him.

            “The first responsibility of the Civil Nuclear Police would be to ensure the security of the site and the safety of those working on it ”

            Yes fair point, and they may well have worked through such scenarios as diversionary tactics (i would), but they also have armed wide patrols. I dont’ know if you’re aware but sellafield has a number of critical peripheral installations – some a dozen miles from the main site – they get their little visits too.

            “Quite possible that he didn’t plan the killing spree until the night before, so he used what ammunition he had. ”

            Quite possible – not what we’re being told though is it? Not hard to get 00; especially not round there. No one’s going to query the need to deal with foxes. But he didnt’ do that – proof enough, imo, that this was unplanned.

            I’m curious about the contents of this feller’s medicine cabinet.

            Talking of which, where’s Gordon?

            Like

          • Dack Blog says:

            An embittered, depressed and increasingly paranoid bloke with the means to hand. It’s probably as ‘simple’ as that, sadly.

            Like

          • jgm2 says:

            Ahhhh. 00. Now you’re talking.

            I feared my life was in danger your honour.

            Like

          • Engineer says:

            Wise words, jgm2.

            The people of that area are tough and resilient, with a strong community spirit. Given the rigours of life in that part of the world, they’ve had to be. Tourists see a beautiful landscape, but not the harshness of making a living in it. Deal straight with them, and they’re very friendly, decent people; my thoughts are very much with them, and especially with old workmates and colleagues in the area. They very much don’t deserve this shitstorm, and they don’t deserve all the armchair experts and gung-ho 20-20 hindsight warriors making unfounded and ill-informed criticism of the people having to cope with the nightmare.

            Here’s a thought. When Bird abandoned his car and took to the fells, two armed officers followed him. To chase a deranged killer known to have a rifle up a fell takes more courage than most of us could lay claim to. Think about that, critics.

            Like

          • “An embittered, depressed and increasingly paranoid bloke with the means to hand.”

            Aren’t we fucking all?

            I think we’re all of us capable of killing, and a large proportion capable of murder, but the number who will undertake genuinely random killing, purposefully, yet without motive… hmmm. And not show it – not a hint of it?

            That’s a hell of a switch in the feller’s head – something threw it. And I reckon something with an acronym.

            Like

          • Engineer says:

            FrankFisher.

            I know most of those roads, having used them; in some cases, many times. Bird had been a taxi-man for many years, and would have known the roads better than most, probably including the police.

            Like

          • Likewise – driven them, ridden them, hitched ‘em. Was in wasdale all last week. I quite agree that if it were one transit following one car that has a choice of three roads, then yes, you have a problem – but it is not. It is many vehicles closing from both directions (north/south, forget east, as, as above, they dont’ *go* anywhere) plus radio. Cops have radio and a gazillion 999s coming in.

            Sure – a triage problem; how to filter out genuine calls from that morass but it really shouldnt’ have got to that. They *saw* him. He’s got a shottie and a rimfire – just dawdle along 70 or 80 yards back. In sight, but out of effective range. They sat behind the transit and watched him drive off – sorry, but armchair warrior or not, that’s just *bollocks*. They disarmed us on the promise that the police would defend us (that’s how they get around the Bill of Rights pledge that we should have such arms as our necessary for our defence – generations of statists claimed we don’t *need* to worry about our own defence…)

            So, given that they demand money from me on pain of imprisonment, and refuse to allow me to defend myself, I want the fuckers out from behind their transits, and doing their job.

            Like

          • Whoops. I killed the page with an unclosed ital tag. And got modded too.

            I wonder if I can close the tag like … so.

            Like

          • Dack Blog says:

            As a generally fairly content woman Frank, I’d say no.

            I’m not making excuses for the bloke, btw. I imagine some ‘final straw’ triggered events but from what’s been said (little of which can be taken as gospel by the time the media have manipulated it, of course) there were clues to his state of mind. I guess no one would/could imagine such consequences though.

            Most have felt bitter at some point, many depressed at some point – but depression and paranoia is a volatile mix.

            Like

          • AC1 says:

            Just to point out that Depression is unlikely to be a cause as it generally stops people acting out their wants.

            Now he might have been prescribed something….

            Like

        • 184

          I guess not…

          Like

  32. 86
    Cumbrian Police Federation spokesperson says:

    ‘It is not the role of our officers to interfere with dangerous criminals, we much prefer handing speeding tickets, racking up the o/t on paperwork and getting out the old helicopter to get the fish n chips in for the porno vid sessions when we’re on nights’

    We are pleased to report that in the last two days we have charged a large number of English tourists with inciting relgious and racial hatred by festooning their cars with the flag of St George and the wearing of ‘T’ shirts with the word ‘England’ on them.

    I’m sure this will reassure ACPO that atlast we have regained control and are imposing order on chaos.

    Like

    • 98
      Basil Brush says:

      Ha, Ha, Ha, – Boom, Boom

      Like

    • 200
      John Cleese says:

      We are patrolling the mean streets of Bury St. Edmunds with our tasers and sitting in our luxurious Range Rovers pointing speed guns at the motorists trundling by in their old bangers on their way to work who pay the taxes that pay for our useless sorry arses.

      Like

  33. 97
    Public Lavatory Attendant says:

    Ed Balls once said to me, “If you had £20 and David Cameron gave you another £20 how much would you have?”

    I said “£20 ”

    Ed Balls said, “You don’t know your maths ”

    I said, “But you don’t know David Cameron, Ed”.

    Like

  34. 103
    Ed Balls (Leader of the Labour Party) says:

    On my first day shovelling coal on a steam train.
    The engine driver passed me a massive shovel, “There you go son.”
    “Oh sorry, i’ve brought my own spade”, i replied.
    “A spades no good for shovelling coal, lad “, he said, starting to laugh.
    “No, but mine is…. get on the train Leroy, we’re off.”

    Like

    • 201
      Vietnam Joke says:

      Q. Why were a greater proportion of black grunts killed in Vietnam?

      A. Because when they were told to get down in a firefight, they stood up and started to boogie.

      Like

  35. 107
    Never quite got it says:

    Never understood why the state pays people to be unemployed rather than paying them to be employed doing something useful for the community.

    Never understood why the state locks able bodied prisoners up in cells forcing them to be idle rather than using them to be of service to the community.

    Like

  36. 114
  37. 117

    Yvette’s diary.

    Ed’s been with Damian and they have decided that a youtube would be popular. Now since Eds swallowed that wasp and his jaw has swollen up he hasn’t been able to smile properly. His face is now just naturally scowly and it hurts him to smile, so he’s sort of, just stopped doing it. Except when prompted.
    And he’s never been very good on camera either. Too shiny. Too forced. Too angry looking. He just isn’t natural.
    I urged him not to do it but he’s sure it will be a vote winner. I tried to tell him, in gentle terms, that he was more a radio personality but it just enraged him. He said I didn’t know anything and he stormed down into the basement , that he’s calling the ‘Nerve centre’ but Derek is calling ‘The Bunker.’

    I asked why he called it that, something to do with golf? And Derek said yes..he’s gone to check out his wood and he’s an iron..I think that might have been a rude joke. Derek obviously thinks Eds is down there doing a Timney, but I doubt it.

    Firstly, he hasn’t had any ‘ bluies’ and secondly there isn’t even a computer down there. In fact there isn’t anything down there at all.
    Not even a light switch….

    Like

  38. 122
    breaking news says:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1284505/Ed-Balls- bizzare- sex-game -death- Milliband-intensivecare.html

    Like

  39. 123
    Ed Balls (Leader of the Labour Party) says:

    Paddy gets lucky one day and wins the lottery,
    but later on is contacted by camelot to say there has been problem with the payment and they will have 2 give him 1 million one week another million the next week ,
    extremely unhappy with this paddy contacts them back and say ” look lads if your going to fuck me about just give me my pound back”!!

    Like

    • 132
      lolol says:

      Nah,think paddy would be down to the nearest ambulance chasers claiming breach of contract.

      Like

  40. 125
    Running on Empty says:

    More along please. Nothing to see here. No more scoops, no more point.

    Like

  41. 126
    A comedy of errors says:

    So not only were the Cumbrian 1st aiders ordered to stand off because of Elf & safety, the Cumbrian plod gave up their chase because of Elf & safety.

    Fucking hell what a shambles!!

    How many died because of Elf & safety?

    Like

    • 131
      Jeremy Clarksons agreeable Oxforshire Mansion and Holiday Home coz ees a Geezer Bloke says:

      fucking PC PC’s
      they didn’t attack a heavily armed lunatic wif their truncheons iz becoz it’s political correctness gorn mad
      innit?

      Like

      • 141
        Anonymous says:

        Yeah BUT.

        In reality a shotgun is only deadly close up (which seems to be the man’s weapon of choice) and a 22 rifle with a scope sight can not be used quickly.

        The cops could safely followed at a distance.

        Like

        • 143
          Anonymong hero says:

          anonymong here would have tackled him to the ground
          Yeah, right LOL!

          Like

          • Anonymous says:

            There is NO EXCUSE that they did not follow him from a “safe” distance.

            Like

          • Anonymong hero says:

            you mean apart from the fact that he was a well armed taxi driver who knew the roads like the back of his hand, wasn’t exactly obeying the speed limits, had a head start on them and they were in a transit van

            apart from that, no reason at all

            Like

          • Anonymong hero says:

            you mean apart from the fact that he was a well armed taxi dr*i*v*er who knew the roads like the back of his hand, wasn’t exactly obeying the speed limits, had a head start on them and they were in a transit van

            apart from that, no reason at all

            Like

          • Piss poor planning says:

            The message sent out to all potential madmen is. Take up a gun, any gun (or weapon) and drive around trying to kill random targets and the police will back off until you kill yourself and the medics will not be allowed to treat your victims until you are confirmed dead.

            Like

          • Confucious he say: ” Man driving shitty Citroen Picasso while clutching shotty cannot outdrive entire constabulary and their radio network”

            I swear, a tranny van versus a fucking diesel people carrier described as a high speed chase? Maybe on Craggy Island…

            Like

          • Well armed? says:

            He was not well armed. A shotgun and a .22 rifle is NOT well armed. If he had been tackled by even a lightly armed plod he would not have got past breakfast.

            Like

          • sockpuppet #4 says:

            Frank.

            The western part of cumbria is craggy island.

            Like

    • 135
      Anonymous says:

      The armed services took onboard the health and safety in the workplace act many years ago. Quite clearly different organisations treat the act in many different ways.

      That a copper can not wade into 2ft of fresh water to rescue a child in the UK, yet a squaddie is expected to wade through an open sewer in Stan to complete his patrol is so strange.

      Like

    • 156
      Dack Blog says:

      Heck yeah! Let’s lynch all the evil rural coppers and urban foxes! (You tit).

      Like

      • 198
        About face says:

        No, even rural policemen should be able to identify and be equiped to deal with a lightly armed suspect.

        In firearm terms Bird was lightly armed. My own opinion is that the law has got it back to front on licences. A shotgun at close range inflicts the most awful injuries, a .22 rifle that can only be realistically used at long range is rarely deadly.

        Like

        • 204
          jgm2 says:

          That’s how it is in South Africa. You can’t get hold of a shotgun – fucking lethal at close range plus no inconvenient bullet matching. But if you want a .50 to go elephant shooting (or bringing down jet aircraft) then no fucking problem pal.

          Like

    • 179
      Load of wusses says:

      Sad thing is that by the time the ambulances got there most of the wounded had been driven to hospital by local residents!

      Like

  42. 137
    Great British Public says:

    Which spending cuts would you recommend ??

    How about lopping £2,000,000,000 per year off the BBC annual spend of > £ 3.5 billion.

    Like

    • 163
      nell says:

      Selling off the beeb to foreign bidders would be good.

      The government could then put the money into our taxpayers fund and also stop the beeb license fee of £140 pa so giving us more money in our pockets!!!

      Like

  43. 154
    tat says:

    i wuv u daddy.

    Like

  44. 157
    Dennis Skinner says:

    conservatives in power for just a few weeks and there is 12 dead and 25 injured

    fucking typical

    Like

    • 164
      T.B£iar - the People's Messiah says:

      Huh ! I scored more kills when we invaded Iraq.

      Like

    • 165
      nell says:

      coalition in power for two weeks and now we find that labour has left us more than a £trillion in debt!!!!

      Like

      • 183
        Snotty says:

        There are plenty more skeletons in the cupboard yet….they are well hidden though…

        Like

        • 195
          Gordon ( SoldGoldAtThe ) BottomBrown says:

          Tee hee !! There’s no money left AND I left my Poisoned Chalice for England to sip on.

          WTF !! The Gold price is breaking new records ?? But I’m an economic genius !

          Like

    • 166
      streamfisher says:

      AH, glad I caught you , apart from shining your arse on the back benches what contribution did you make or have ever made (apart from a very loud gob when you know you are on camera), to…anything, and also while you are here can you tell me who the fuck keeps voting you in?

      Like

  45. 159
    Labour Are Dead says:

    This bear would tear all the Liebore candidates to shreds.

    Like

  46. 169
    nell says:

    We are mired in dreadful debt – more than labour dared to admit when it was in power.

    Now the truth is coming out gordon has gone and hid!!!

    Where is he??!!

    Like

    • 175
      streamfisher says:

      My all time favourite front page news headline; The Daily Sport… World Hide And Seek Champion Found Dead in Cupboard.

      Like

      • 221
        Imnotcomingoutmyroomyoucantmakemebrown says:

        http://www.guardian.co.uk/flash/page/0,,1872354,00.html

        fond memories of sneaking a peek at tits, kids today with their online porn just have it too easy, wheres the adrenaline rush of walking up to the counter? or the pride in showing off your bravery to your friends?

        tongue in cheek

        Like

    • 206
      Susie says:

      I’ll bet he’s gone to Africa — South. Doing charity work inspecting their football stadiums on behalf of Sport Aid for the next few weeks.

      Like

      • 211
        streamfisher says:

        Of course, mystery solved, the mystery about the stampede that is, only one person in a critical condition thankfully, a policeman I believe.

        Like

    • 212
      Maggies Drawers says:

      sorry you silly old twat but you’re talking shit again
      the 70 Billion figure was calculated and widely known well before the election so it only proves how much of a gullible twat you are to believe everything the Heir to Blair says

      Like

    • 235
      50 Calibre says:

      Try Morrison’s Supermarket in Dunfermline.

      He likes going there because nobody recognises him…

      Like

  47. 172
    Ed's recipe for hypocrasy says:

    Tomorrow I will be tweeting delicious recipes for high ranking labour members. A lobster lunch washed down with the finest socialist champagne. Mmmm delicious.
    For the peasantry, I will demonstrate various ways to serve up stale bread and how to make it go a long way. If you have a bible handy, you may want to try turning water into wine.

    Like

  48. 176
    Amanda Holden's Botox says:

    Under the LibCon government, the quality of Britain’s Got Talent has rocketed.

    Like

    • 223
      The BBC says:

      Oh God. How hideously white. Thankfully, at least with this italic HTML left open everybody looks vaguely Chinese.

      Like

  49. 177
    I despise the Labour Party says:

    Money grubbing scumbags. Labour stink of hypocrisy.

    Like

  50. 181
    MP Watch says:

    Just seen on Newsnight, ‘A’ Company Green Howards returning from SERVING THEIR COUNTRY.

    Compare with a look at Westminster and see the MPs return from the GE to SERVE THEMSELVES!

    Like

  51. 187
    A vile, lying, cheatin, two-faced, back-biting hypocrite and con-man, with no concept of truth says:

    THa’ debt is no way as bad as tha’ Tories say.

    Ah’m whiter than white.

    Nuthn’s ma fult.

    Ar sav’d tha wuld.

    Like

  52. 218
    streamfisher says:

    Ouh, ive sudenly gone all Itallic!

    Like

  53. 222
    Can't remember my moniker says:

    Quo usque tandem abutere, patientia nostra.

    Like

  54. 224
    Dave Miscavige says:

    italics be gone

    Like

  55. 226
    Mitch says:

    If I had a time machine I would go back to just before EDs conception (yuk!!) and tell the parents that a) incest is illegal and b) here is a dossier(non dodgy) showing the result of said incest and its …..ahemmm accomplishments.

    Poof!!! ed disappears from existence.

    Like

  56. 228
    Vaz Watcher says:

    The oily Vaz back in the news again today. Has there ever been a greasier, shadier MP?

    Like

  57. 229
    IDF commando says:

    Our shiny new social democrat coalition has just caved in to the eurotrash dictators like the cowardly appeasers they are.
    The UK budget now has to be sent to the unelected eurotrash commissars for approval, if they demand changes then what?
    Honest Dave crumbles straight away and gives in like the cringing appeaser he is, he managed to extract the stunning victory of being allowed to present the budget to parliament at the same time as handing it over to his masters in Brussels…hooray..what a stunning victory.
    So Daves new regime gives in and toes the eurotrash line, we are not even part of the euro and yet the rules set up for eurozone nations apply to us. Is there no end to Daves betrayal?

    Like

  58. 231
    nell says:

    http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1262589/Keith-Vaz-The-truth-crooked-lawyer-Labour-MP-tries-charge-crucial-committee.html

    It’s good to see keith and edball keeping labour’s corruption in the headlines all these weeks after they lost the election. It’s good that they keep reminding us what they stood for.

    Like

  59. 233
    Anonymous says:

    That there are 35 members of the PLP willing to support Blinkybollox as a leader and potential Prime Minister material (in their dreams) says all you need to know about the labour party and how fast it can revert to type. What a pile of shite!

    The 36th supporter is excused. Mrs Motormouth is somewhat biased as well as being crackers…

    Like

    • 238
      Reichschancellor ( in-waiting and waiting and waiting ) GoBalls says:

      I also had to nominate myself…

      Like

  60. 240
    Ed Balls (Leader of the Labour Party) says:

    A man and women are sat opposite each other on a train, the women is eating a jar of seafood when the man reaches over and steals a prawn out of the jar.
    The women says ” what the fuck do you think your doing” to which the man just laughs, the women then stands up and pushes the emergency stop button.
    The man still laughing says ” you silly bitch your going to get fined £100 quid for doing that”, women smirks and says ” yeah but youll get 5 years when the police sniff your fingers!”.

    Like

  61. 242
    Plod of Whitehaven says:

    What you people don’t seem to understand is that we are not allowed to chase dangerous criminals anymore. It’s a breach of our human rights and it’s against health and safety. And anyway I’d just had some really exhausting diversity training that day and I’d spent four hours filling in overtime sheets.

    Like

    • 243
      Ace Innick says:

      Didn’t you nick any wicked motorists then ?

      Like

    • 249
      Blair of the Yard says:

      Spot on. Catching crimals is yesterday’s agenda. The modern police force is all about respect, ethnicity and gender. Stop living in the past.

      Like

      • 256
        lolol says:

        But Inspector Gadget and his chaps are calling for the arming of all plod,is this a new way to gain respect,not sure how a gun will help ethnicity and gender though,but respect, some bugger holding a gun and pointing it at you quicky gains the respect of the people the gun is pointing at.

        Like

  62. 244
    Ace Innick says:

    Didn’t you nick any wicked motorists then ???

    Like

  63. 245
    Ed Balls (Leader of the Labour Party) says:

    I’ve just started a new job at the local slaughterhouse, stunning cows.

    …And some of the sheep are pretty fucking bonny too.

    Like

  64. 247
    The Lunatic that ruined Britain, raving in his padded room at CurrCuddy House For Moral Bankrupts says:

    Nuthn’s ma fult ye un’stn!

    Ar sav’d tha wuld!

    Ah Nussy – will ye nae put ya’ finga in my botty tae comfort me?

    Like

  65. 248
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    Why’s everyone italic.

    Like

  66. 252
    Armageddon Magoo says:

    That Balls menu in full.

    Hard cheese

    Piss-poor(i ) (for an authentic ethnic twist)

    Sour grapes.

    Like

  67. 262
    Anonymous says:

    italics off.

    hopefully.

    Like

  68. 263
    Good Ed Balls says:

    I will be leader, I will will will, I WILL BE LEADER!

    Alright, I’ve calmed down now. Right.

    I will be leader. Hmmph.

    Like

  69. 268
    Gooey Blob says:

    So far it’s a case of “Three sneers for Labour” with a rather unappetising choice of Balls or the Milibands. None of these rather unpleasant individuals deserve the job.

    Who wants to be Labour’s sneerleader anyway? The only people fit to lead the party haven’t thrown their hats into the ring this time.

    Like


Seen Elsewhere

Comply or Die at Grauniad | MediaGuido
Labour Beats UKIP in South Yorkshire | LabourList
Mock the Week’s Weak Comedy | Nigel Farage
Can Jim Murphy Save Scottish Labour? | Guardian
There is Still Appetite for the Westminster Lunch | Jon Craig
Labour Turn Their Backs on Jewish Community | Dan Hodges
Chivalry is Not Dead | Laura Perrins
Jonathan Jones is a Tw*t | Iain Dale
Second Scotland Poll Suggests Labour Wipeout | Times
Paedo Probe Boss Urged to Quit | Sun
Keynesian Tories Won’t Eliminate Deficit | Tim Montgomerie


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