March 26th, 2010

Guidogram Going Out Shortly…

This week Guido brings you the Byers lobbying footage Dispatches didn’t use, the vigilante “Real LibDems” release an abduction video.  Gordon’s inner psycho breaks out (again) and we crack open the cider before this Sunday’s tax hike.

If you haven’t subscribed to the Guidogram, you’ll have to wait until next week to see it…

Subscribe to the Guidogram


  1. 1
    Hoon MacHoon Chief Hoon of Clan MacHoon principal Hoons of hereaboots and a liitle beyond! says:

    Theyre all hoons!

  2. 2
    jgm2 says:

    My breath is bated…

  3. 3
    The Dirty Rat says:

    “I guess I’m like a whore for hire”

    Did he learn his trade from Mandy?

  4. 4
    James says:

    Why are other BBC political blogs still open for posting comments when Brian Taylor’s blog in Scotland has been closed down? We demand an explanation.

    Is this another Union dividend? Has Labour interfered to stop the blog?

  5. 5
    S.Lyers, ex-Cabbie- net Mininster says:

    TAXI !!!!

  6. 6
    QWERTY says:

    See how the BBC have been spinning crap for Hoon today.

    Ah let’s all feel sorry for him, diddums, unlike those Tory voting bastards in the army. Fuck them and their whining about equipment. Fuck them, serves them right for joining up. All socialists like good old Geoff deserve every penny they get, he saved billions by not buying those Tory bastards in the army kit.

    Well done Geoff, well done Gordon.

  7. 7
    QWERTY says:

    Does anyone know if Mandy swallows cum?

  8. 8
    concrete pump says:

    Is there a Lib Dem reading this thread?

  9. 9
    The Dirty Rat says:

    He will swallow anything that originates from a male orifice.

  10. 10
    The Dirty Rat says:

    I can think of five, anyone top that?

  11. 11
    Dark Lord says:

    Just started reading Andrew Rawnsley’s book – page 60 – absolutely classic.

  12. 12
    Catflap says:

    Here is a copy of an email I sent a local hack who is parroting the party line concerning the Iceland Bank investment disaster.
    Lets be clear.Good frontline council workers will lose jobs to pay for the mistakes of bad backroom ones.
    Who,unfairly will keep their high paid jobs.
    Old Holborn has a great post on this subject and urges you to write and mail your local press and politicians demanding heads to roll.
    Although your council name and figures will be different to mine all the points are relevent to us all.
    Dear Sadie,
    ‘Lessons are learnt’ is now a cliché and should read ‘No one will be
    sacked’.What? The fact that ELDC is still having to sweat on trying to get
    £2.5 million back from the Icelandic government, whose people have just
    voted not to pay the money back in any great hurry.
    That is big news for a place like this but the ELDC have been allowed to
    retreat behind the line of ‘We all did it’ and ‘Best practice’ etc, sharing
    their incompetence nationally.
    Well they can’t have it both ways in my opinion.
    If the people employed by ELDC to invest Taxpayers money operate a system of
    only following central government guidelines as to where to invest , then
    WHY are they paid so much?A Public servant on £15K could do an equally good
    job of following instructions and blowing the money.
    Any Mug punter who read the financial news pullouts could have told you a
    month in advance that the Iceland bank situation was looking fragile, and
    indeed one council on the south coast as a result pulled its investments out
    of Iceland., and isn’t sweating on getting its money back like ELDC.
    So we have an Investment team at ELDC who not only have neither the wit or
    the skill to invest our money without instruction from above,but who are out
    of touch with the financial markets in which they put TAX payers
    money.Markets that they are PAID lots of money to watch.
    Sackings and reduced pay grades should be the lessons these incompetent
    fools should be learning.
    Just because this is a national/international issue should not let the
    incompetent at ELDC off the hook.
    A full enquiry along the lines of ‘Who did what?’,Who earns what?’and ‘who
    is still there?’ would ensure ‘Lessons will be learned’ I think.

  13. 13
    Doctor Finlay's textbook says:

    Two earholes, two nostrils, one mouth plus the unmentionable ones. Think that’s seven.

  14. 14
    Doc Trough says:

    Yes, if you include pus and blood.

  15. 15
    The IMF is coming says:

    For window lickers everywhere

    You probably don’t clean your computer screen very often and it is really hard to do the inside, so here is a new method.

  16. 16
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    Could we get it placed on the National Curriculum ??

  17. 17
    concrete pump says:

    Is there a Lib Dem reading this thread?

    I want to know what they say to each other before a GE, do they gee each other up, saying, “this is going to be our year”?

    Do they delude themselves deliberately, so that their necks are brassy enough for them to think they have a say in British politics?

    Why are they in Parliament?

    Who the fuck is Nick Clegg?

    Who the fuck are any of them?

  18. 18
    Faceless Bureaucrat says:

    O/T but note the unfortunate (given the nature of the story) name of the Times’ Berlin correspondent…

  19. 19
    Gordon Brown says:

    Don’t forget his nipples, I had hours of fun attached to them.

  20. 20
    The Dirty Rat says:


  21. 21
    P. Mandevilson, the Eminence Greasy says:

    Remember the old Arsenal FC manager, Bertie Mee ??

    I was a very close friend of his brother, Roger.

  22. 22
    Engineer says:

    Being a Lib Dem is a triumph of hope over experience, with the added relief of being able to say anything without ever having to actually take responsibility for making real decisions.

    Nationally, anyway. They do have some councillors, of course; probably rate about the same as all the other parties. Some good, some corrupt, some makeweights.

  23. 23
    Obvious, really says:

    “Go back to your constituencies and prepare for oblivion”.

  24. 24
    jog on Gordon says:

    The Tories will be touring the UK on the Cleveland Steamer

  25. 25
    concrete pump says:

    Oh that is fucking lovely, made my day.

  26. 26
    Martin Day says:

    Another kick in the teeth for David Cameron’s Conservatives

    Australian conservatives urge British expats to vote for Gordon Brown

    Australia’s opposition Liberal Party has started an email campaign urging British expatriates to vote for Gordon Brown in the upcoming general election.

    Give it up now David Cameron

  27. 27
    Jimmy says:

    I guess the cider tax must have hit the guidophile demographic particularly hard.

  28. 28
    Old Nick Heavenly(really not wishing to upset the hypocrites who feel free to comment upon europe) says:

    flucking pope should be crucified along with th rest of the devil worshppers

  29. 29
    Dave Had His Chance and He Blew It says:

    That Tory propaganda isn’t going to work this time.
    Seen the polls lately?
    Not looking good for the Tories, is it?
    Look at it this way: Dave tried his best to make the Conservative party popular but he failed.
    Oh well.

  30. 30
    concrete pump says:

    Why?……………..Oh, sorry, was that meant to be funny?

  31. 31
    George Osborne says:

    After discovering that they had won fifteen million pounds in the lottery, David and Samantha Cameron sat down to discuss their future.

    Samantha Cameron announced: “After twenty years of washing other people’s houses I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last.”

    David Cameron agreed: “Of course you can darling. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now.”

  32. 32

    Blinking flip, I have been working my arse off today. Not had a chance to peruse the web from 11 last night till now – and what do I find? Guido you l’il monkey, you have STOLEN my “‘Selling gold’ is the ultimate simples encapsulation of Broon’s cackhanded financial reign – Joe Public can’t understand high finance but giving away the nation’s wonga at a knock down price is *language* the punters understand” meme thing.

    But y’know what, the tories are so fucking shite they’ll fluff that too. The BBC will say it’s old news and Dave will go “Oh do you think so, well alright we won’t mention it again….”

    I say, Roger Boyes for PM!

  33. 33
    The Dirty Rat says:

    Two points.

    1. Did Brown call him a c*nt? Surely that is against parliamentary rules? I will get my old gran on it she is deaf as a post and can lip read a treat.
    2. Was that really one of the Wurzels. If so I will stop drinking cider immediately.

  34. 34
    cassandra king says:

    What underhanded nasty people the labour party are eh? Our troops are led out to die by the hundred in an illegal war yet they are denied a vote by the regime that sent them there, a regime that uses our troops like toilet paper.

    Iraqi/Afghan benefit addicts lounging in the UK get the right to vote in elections and the labour party spends our taxes making it happen yet when our own people need assistence in voting in our own election it seems that all of a sudden there is no money left to make it happen.
    The labour party scum could walk upright under the belly of a snake.

  35. 35
    Albert Hall says:

    I am imagining Emily without her clothes. And I like what I see.

  36. 36
    Old Nick Heavenly(really not wishing to upset the hypocrites who feel free to comment upon europe) says:


  37. 37
    thick as thieves says:

    My wife dropped her engagement ring down the toilet by accident, and it was flushed away.

    It was expensive, so i volunteered to go into the sewer to have a look for it.

    Oddly enough, the whole experience reminded me of Guido Fawkes’ blog. There i was, wading through tons and tons of utter shit just to find one fucking gem.

  38. 38
    Martin Day says:

    Whoops. I got that wrong. They have urged British expats to vote for Cameron. I will crawl back under my rock. Move along. Nothing to see here.

  39. 39
    no longer anonymous says:

    Most of it put here by you.

  40. 40
    Maladroit Labour Chump says:

    Stay down there. No-one’s missed you thus far.

    We’ll get back to you when the Olympics are over.

  41. 41
  42. 42
    The Dirty Rat says:

    Quick everybody flush your crapper and wash the prat away.

  43. 43
    tat's wife says:

    Don’t rush back; I’ve run off with David Blunkett.

  44. 44
    Bruvva Brhoon, the bungling bullion bullshitter, 'n bullying Kirkcuddy twat says:

    Nuthn’s ma fult ye un’stn.

    Cos ah’m perfect in every respect.

    ma Daddae tol’ me so.

  45. 45
    Skua says:

    Lewis Hamilton in trouble but see what they call driving like a complete Hunt in Australia !

  46. 46
    Dog says:

    uaf uaf

  47. 47
    Anonymous says:

    Is this another Union dividend? Has Labour interfered to stop the blog?”

    Are you surprised? This is a zanulab 3rd world country, remember!

  48. 48

    “Next year in Downing Street”, perhaps?

    Cleggy preparing to lead them to the land of milking and hoonery?

  49. 49
    Georgie Porgie says:

    We’re all being abducted together

  50. 50
    streamfisher says:

    Just what the Romans did before the collapse of that Empire, send all the military to foreign parts and don’t let them cross the Rubicon (vote).

  51. 51
    Al Megrahi,s Doctor says:

    Don’t let his dog near your handbag!

  52. 52
    Old Nick Heavenly(reallyhappy with my non country residents permit and id card. Yes I am legal) says:

    The terrible thing, for you lot, is that this seems to be the last chance you have of saving your country from total destruction.

    The whole thing reminds me of when the Frog national front came second in the Frog election and the socialists were obliged to hold their noses and vote for Chirac in the second round.

    Hope Dave wins or I guess a lot of you will be moving over here, there or anywhere.

  53. 53
    Mark Oaten MP says:

    Ooooo, I might have to join the Tories then!

  54. 54
    .243 Win says:


  55. 55
    Anonymous says:

    30 Yep Dave has failed ,I hoped he hadn’t, but it looks like he has.And I’m sorry to say the Tories do not deserve to win.They currently represent no-one ,this is the cost of trying to please everyone.No passionate conviction , no spine , no fight,not a fucking clue as to the views of the electotare.

    Just a non-descript bunch of empty suits too scared say what they really think.Dave is just not “real” thats why people are turning away.I knew months ago Dave would never be P.M I just never wanted it to be proven right.

    Oh well looks like we’ll just have to learn to live with Gordo.

  56. 56
    Blastwave says:

    …..indeed!!! More Emily, less of the fat boy!

  57. 57
    concrete pump says:

    Massive bellend Mark Webber, has got friends in the Melbourne police force.

    He made a well timed phone call.

  58. 58

    Come and work for Old Holborn

    “Policy Wonks, SpAds and people called Crispin need not apply”

  59. 59
    Nosey says:

    were is over here?it must be fucking good.

  60. 60
    Blunketts Dog says:

    Wouldn’t be the first one I’ve pissed in and it won’t be the last.

  61. 61
    Sir Wiliam Waad says:

    Out here in the sticks those who us who can’t afford a nice bottle of 2004 Margaux make their own stuff. Potato wine is surprisingly similar to vodka and a small fraction of the price – plus, none of the cash goes to Alistair! My neighbour Roy’s working on a method of producing an alcoholic drink fom the useless stringy bits of the cannabis plant, but progress so far has been leisurely.

  62. 62
    Dick Robinson says:

    Or as Boris Johnson said: “Their policy on cake is pro-having it and pro-eating it”.

  63. 63
    Hooncunt says:

    beeb just reported it,you could tell saying hoon had connotations for the Hunt

  64. 64
    the beast of clerkenwell says:

    Tory Bear looks like a young (but better groomed) McMental
    Are they related?

  65. 65
    Sir Wiliam Waad says:

    Thank God for the Reformation, I say.

  66. 66
  67. 67
    Bloody Pirates says:

    Hoist the Jolly Rodger

  68. 68
    Mark Oaten says:

    Can I come?

  69. 69
    barefootcontessa says:

    Yes, you look like a whore, but would anyone hire you?

  70. 70
    Let Us Pay Tribute says:

    Thick as thieves was rather like the 300 Spartans who fought for their beliefs and slayed the partisan trolls until he had built a wall made out of the skulls and bones of tory and labour trolls who all got a good hiding. But unlike the Spartans the great thick as thieves left this place undefeated.
    So I suppose you could say he was even greater than the Spartans who were eventually defeated.
    Our hero fought for the greater good and history will remember his heroic battle in defence of democracy that was waged upon these very pages. Check it out by typing his name in Guido’s search engine. His tale is more epic than Beowulf. He truly was Top Boy.
    Here endeth today’s lesson.
    You may go now, as he used to say.

  71. 71
    Brummy says:

    Telegraph: “Hamilton pulled over by Victorian Police”

    The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?

  72. 72
    Fidel X Penses says:

    Yes indeed, ON. I’ve started the process. There’s a slim chance of the UK pulling back from the brink if the Tories win: there’s no chance in any other scenario. Time to sell up and move on. Thanks, Gordon, thank you so bloody much for rogering my country to within an inch of its life.

    Although in my case I won’t be going to a land of Cheese-Eating Surrender Monkeys, fat Krauts or greasy Belgians. As a place to bring up my kids, Asia is far more attractive than Europe.

  73. 73
    Martin Day says:

    But Mr Cameron said: “They’re going around scaring pensioners, telling you that the Conservatives are going to cut the winter fuel allowance, cut pension credit and end free bus travel and TV licences for over-75s.

    “I can promise that this is the truth and nothing but the truth and that is a cast iron guarantee”

    “You have my word. If we win the election, we will cut all of these things.”

    The pensioners’ vote will be fiercely contested at the coming election, especially as older people tend to be more likely to turn out at the ballot box.

    David Cameron has lost the “grey vote”

  74. 74
    Geoff Hoon says:

    Gis a job.

  75. 75
    Fidel X Penses says:

    Yep, the Spartans were queers too.

  76. 76
    concrete pump says:

    ‘producing an alcoholic drink fom the useless stringy bits of the cannabis plant,’

    Keep me updated, ta.

  77. 77
    stark says:


    Great word – can we fund a meaning for it ? [ italian infinitive, maybe ]

  78. 78
    stark says:

    find. fuck.

  79. 79
    Unsworth says:

    Try flossing

  80. 80
    Anon says:

    Oh FFS Waad please don’t tell me you are a bloody pot head.
    My initial image of you was as a reactionary staunch conservative, you know, pin stripe and a pair of shiny oxford shoes but from your latest comments I am now starting to think of you are a bit like that guy in the Hills Have Eyes.

  81. 81
    They can die but they can't vote !! says:

    This is a re-run of the 2005 general election too when Labour changed the voting rules re army personnel.You’d have thought the MoD penpushers would have sorted it(Minister:This is intolerable Sir Crispin get it sorted immediately ! Yes Minister. (Ten Miniutes later) Sir Crispin I’ve just had No10 on the phone …apparently the majority of troops vote Conservative so put it on the backburner again will you.Thanks.Oh and don’t minute the conversation will you)

  82. 82
    Unsworth says:

    Can they read?

  83. 83

    We’ve just got to get the dollars right OH and then it will be action stations.

  84. 84
    my name is tat, but you can call me shithead says:

    You can piss all over me anytime fido.

  85. 85
    Unsworth says:

    Latin in origin, meaning pricing of electricity supply.

  86. 86
    Spank Sinatra says:

    Her breasts were baited more like – and delightfully he fell for it. Such larks!

  87. 87
    Anon says:

    Let’s face it concrete pump, everyone’s got a massive bellend compared to yours.

  88. 88
    Tory Bear says:

    That wide angle lens cost a fortune and yes, we do work on the ground floor due to Health and Safety

  89. 89
    my name is tat, but you can call me shithead says:

    He’s got a look of the turkey baster about him, bless him.

  90. 90
    Spank Sinatra says:


  91. 91
    South of the M4 says:

    As opposed to you losing your grey cells I suppose.

  92. 92
    Anon says:

    Can the Tories read the polls?
    Dave and Gideon and that tax evader Ashcroft must be crying into their champagne.
    And where the hell is nell FFS?
    And also, isn’t it nice to not have that cretin AC1 posting his rubbish and clogging up the threads. I hear he has gone on holiday with his homosexual lover to a resort that specialises in gay orgies and rimming parties.
    Sounds about right for AC1.

  93. 93
    verdi gris says:

    Does she have a Brazilian?

  94. 94
    streamfisher says:

    Will accept expenses only position, that will be around £200,000 Per Annum.

  95. 95
    The Above Poster Is Just Another TaT Wannabe says:

    It’s a bit sad really. You imitate someone because you are a nobody.
    Oh well.

  96. 96
    stilyagi_air_corps says:

    Oh come on Jimmy, that’s lame, even for you. This site is packed to the gills with rougeurs, and you know it.

    I detect petit-bourgeoise snobbery and downward-aimed class animosity in your post. You badly need to do some Maoist self-criticism on your Champagne Social-Fascist ass.

    Go rectify yourself Jimmy.

  97. 97
    anon says:

    Said the raving homosexual cruising around for trade.

  98. 98
    anon says:

    Said the wannabe.

  99. 99
    Cambs is too far for me or I would says:

    a vote for old Holborne is a vote for controlled demolition

  100. 100
    udderly 'orrible says:

    Ho ho. Its one of the funniest efforts to date. ToryB got TaxiByer to a T.

  101. 101
    Mr Slogan says:

    Vote for me and win

  102. 102
    barefootcontessa says:

    Geoff Hoon explains away his interview on Dispatches. He was simply boasting to an attractive woman, and what he said was of no importance. What a brass neck he’s got! He should he hanged drawn and quartered together with Hewitt, Byers, Moran and Sir Bumblebee (can’t remember his name).

  103. 103
    my name is tat, but you can call me shithead says:

    Fuck off shithead.

  104. 104
    barefootcontessa says:

    Just wish I had the time.

  105. 105

    I am the master of media manipulation, and I learned all my tricks from the Iraqi information minister. It’s pointless all you Tories trying to tell the truth about the state this country is in, because people will believe whatever crap I tell them. Everybody loves and respects me, you see.

  106. 106

    Shouldn’t that be Voltaire?

  107. 107
    my name is tat, but you can call me shithead says:

    said the anonabe..

  108. 108
    Mr Slater's Parrot says:


  109. 109
    tat's crack dealer says:

    I think he’s after your arse tat. What’s your going rate these days, £5000? Get in there my son.

  110. 110
    P. Mandevilson, the Eminence Greasy says:

    No, but I do.

  111. 111
    the man from del monte says:

    Me too. That’s the most promising bit of news I’ve heard on here for months.

  112. 112

    Why do you think we sent them out there without the necessary equipment? The more soldiers we kill, the fewer votes the Tories get. Unfortunately, the media cottoned on to our little game and it started to make us look bad. So we gave them some equipment but decided to stop them voting anyway.

  113. 113
    Mr Slogan says:

    enjoyed the gram

  114. 114

    Sir WW is in reality none other that Sir Bufton Tufton’s pater.

  115. 115

    After discovering that they had won fifteen million pounds in the lottery, Gordo and Sarah Twatter sat down to discuss their future.

    Twatter announced: “After twenty years of spending other peoples’ money I can throw my cloak of socialism away at last.”

    Snotty agreed: “Of course you can darling. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now.”

  116. 116

    Has Mark ever been visited by the wanky shit demon?

  117. 117

    O/T (ish) but this guy died about 50 yards from where Lewis had his collar felt yesterday. Well, well worth a read. Like a Guidogram, it livens up around the halfway mark:

  118. 118
    Wing Commander says:

    I believe Brooooown when he sincerely told us via his comrades at the Cbeebies that Hoooooon was just ‘Showing Off’!!!! If the troops can just hold on another 2 years or so ,pending software gremlins, the first batch of armoured vehicles will be available to replace snatch Landrovers in Affy ganny stan, so dig in deep troops and don’t forget to get a relative to vote on your behalf because Nu Lab can’t be bothered to send out your ballot papers on time.

  119. 119
    We will save £4.5 Billion by telling nurses not to go sick says:

    1.4 trillion in debt!!!!!! for what? So spotty 18 year old ‘A’ level media students like you can sit around all day smoking ‘Plant Food’ and pulling your pudding over pictures of Lady Gaga. At least AC1 is worth a read unlike you who’s just a homophobic twat, your material is straight from a ‘Marcos Pigstock Now Show’ script.

  120. 120
    The 1000 year master plan is here says:

    Gordon has been looking for an excuse to cancel the GE. He must be hoping this is it.

  121. 121
    Wing Commander says:

    Brown’s softly, concerned, friendly voice on the radio explaining that Hooon wasn’t really taking a bribe but was just showing off to his mates was almost as revolting as the his inquiry bullsh*t explaining that he hadn’t under funded the i raq blitzkrieg .

  122. 122
  123. 123
    g1lgam3sh says:

    He’s always been a bit ‘de haut en bas’, I believe the rarefied air at his ego level has starved his brain of oxygen

  124. 124
    Barnabas Scudamore says:

    “oink protest” BRILLIANT.

    I’ll be down for that. Might even bring the came…….NO, I WILL be bringing the camera !

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Boris on British Jihadis. Apparently based on MI5 intel:

“If you look at all the psychological profiling about bombers, they typically will look at porn. They are literally w***ers. Severe onanists. They are tortured. They will be very badly adjusted in their relations with women, and that is a symptom of their feeling of being failures and that the world is against them. They are not making it with girls, and so they turn to other forms of spiritual comfort — which of course is no comfort.”

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