Friday Caption Contest (Solving the Deficit Edition)
Another Twittish Tweet from Kerry McCarthy | BBC
What’s the Point of Our Anti-Business Secretary? | Ruth Porter
HuffPo Hiring Pro-Iranian Mehdi “Act of Desperation” | Fox News
Krugman is Seductive, Simplistic and Unrealistic | Jeremy Warner
Lower Taxes, Higher Growth, the Statistical Evidence | CPS
Bash the Unions, Gatecrash the Quangos | ConservativeHome
I Told You So: Euro is Doomed | Douglas Carswell
PM Speaks for the Nation When Bashing Balls | Quentin Letts
Time for an Alliance | Dan Hannan
Farage’s Plan | ConservativeHome
Guardian Open News is a Failure | Heather Brooke
Balls Calls for Deeper Cuts | Speccie
Lessons from the Thirties | CPS
PMQs Idiots | Harry Cole
Jon Cruddas is Not the Messiah | Dan Hodges
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Lord Lamont told ITV News…
“I think the PM is just human and Ed Balls is a pretty irritating person”
Do the twist and sheik
We’re all gagging for oil together.
DC: Right who’s gettin ‘em in then?
Anyone for a packet of pork scratchings.
O/T
State owned banks to issue ID cards to poor people. No. Really
http://bastardoldholborn.blogspot.com/2010/03/state-banks-to-fund-id-cards-in-uk.html
Anyhow, so Richard Timney was watching this porn movie and having a quick ‘West Bank’, that’s rhyming slang for wank Sheikh Yerplonka!
DC : WE’VE MADE A START BY CUTTING OUT THE TEA AND BISCUITS.
DaCam says
If the boy Blair is worth GBP 20m, how much do you think I can get?
Holby you don’t expect state agent Guido to cover real issues do you?
The guy is a state plant, trivia and distraction is his game, it keeps the plebs from asking the important questions.
Still at kleast you got it through his Chinese style censoring system!
and yet he claims to be a libertarian!
you couldnt make it up!
We thought you had retired from being the Middle East Peace Envoy Mr Blair.
Fancy a beigel ?
DC: The waiter will be here in four Shieks ……geddit??…..No feckin humour you ragheads.
Hope they don’t give me a roast pig. If they do I’ll give Gordon the eyes.
Rehearsals for the Tory nativity play are going well!
uaf uaf
FU FU
Would you like to go and play in the sand pit?
My grandad always said ‘the only good Arab is a dead Arab’, have you ever heard that?
Yes I did indeed say too many tweets might make a twat, and I can’t help saying too many Shieks might make a shat
Winner.
I must say your proposal to build a toxic waste dump in Kirkcaldy and Cowdenbeath sounds smashing, where do I sign?
So, after the cheque clears, you’re going to rename it the ‘Tory al Burj’ right?
Right, before we go any further, you’re all long term UK residents, right?
i’m sorry your higness, but we can’t get the hookers and coke in until the guy from the news of the world has left…….so which one is he?
“Aah, Meester Cameron. Perhaps you should asks your good friend, Mr Blair for a Dime or Five….. I hear he has hidden his wealth from ze Taxman in your country!”
Dave: ‘Okay boys, we give you the girl and you guarantee us cheap oil for five years.’
Sheikh: ‘Throw in your Sir Mandelson and it’s a deal.’
“Ah Effendi, I am so sorry for you.”
“…and the moment we need a Sarah Brown stunt double at CCHQ I’ll be back in touch”
The Mossad 4 man Camel Team (Dubai branch) are briefed on their away match to downing Street
You can have Scotland for 3 camels and a donkey.
you can have Scotland!
It’s the part of the UK with the oil….
Not any more it ain’t, clear off
It’s a small country, north of England and they even have a drop of oil left.
Sheik with hands under the table, fiddling away, thinks to himself:
Just trying out this remote control politician before we choose how to cast the votes that we’ve purchased.
Dave calls in the Saudis for tips on how to BLOW the election.
Can I just clarify something first, are any of you non-doms?
Dave: What time do the other 71 virgins get here?
We’ve got oil cash again chaps, around the Falklands don’t you know. Bit short myself since Ashcroft, got a tip around one of your nags at the Gold Cup?
Arab sheikh. We have pictures of Brown Mandelson and Blair with you Arab rent boys what are they worth for your election campaign Mr Cameron.
Cameron: Have you got any of the chap who fucked Magda Brown per chance
Sheikh?: No but we have the Turkey Baster
Cameron: Ok in that case you can have The Falklands first refinery and joint venture on a new pipeline to the UK.
So we have a deal then, let’s sheikh hands on it.
Now which one of you sent the pig to Gordon?
Here is the begging bowl…
Allah Akbar…
David Mohammed Cameron Future Prime Minister of Englandistan is given a pre election present of a new wife to kickstart his harem by the Saudis.
The movers and sheikhers of politics.
So you all wanted to be shepherds in the Nativity play?
this cameron boy thinks he is wealthy , i make him look like double glazing sales rep on a good year
Ever the diplomat, Dave knew etiquette demanded he used quoits smaller than their heads.
My milksheik brings all the boys to the yard………….
David Cameron meets new owners of Great Britain PLC after hostile takeover.
£50,000 each for peerages ?
(10% discount since Tony Blair)
Whats that ticking noise?
Oh Four Fuck Sheikh!
This lot are easy compared with the Mossad
They give me cash…
Hey, we haven’t got any money either!
It was nice of Gordon though to bail us out though after all that money RBS leant to Dubai with no hope of getting it back. Can we have some more of that wonderful free money your banks are so good at making? Please?
Want to buy British Airways ?
Our current owner’s been getting a lot of bad press, so you could say he’s definitely a motivated seller.
which SPAM! one SPAM! of SPAM! you SPAM! wants SPAM! to SPAM! be SPAM! chancellor ? SPAM!
Im not kidding he actually picked his nose in the House of Commons and then pissed himself for good measure.
So, chaps, how much lucre can you give us to defend Israel with?
hurry up mr cameron i have a helicopter waiting to take me to see the 50 horses i have running at cheltenham
Ok which one of you bastards sent the Prime Minister a roast Pig!
David Camerons’ only fan spotted (in the background).
Andy Coulson unleashed his most daring “Fake Sheikh” sting yet
Dave: Heard this one?
If Al Qaeda start putting explosives in Alphabet Soup it
could spell disaster
Have I won ringtoss?
Cheeky
A fiver and a pickled egg, the country is yours
So you will sign the deal tomorrow ? Well gentleman, tonight you can go on a guided tour of London with our Mayor Boris Johnson and Prince Phillip.
DC ” if you guess whats under my hands you can buy the tory party ”
ARAB ” easy the table , what you want 100 camels “
Texas Hold ‘em ok with you boys? the beer and pizzpperoni pizzas are on their way.
Sorry effendi the UK has nothing we want
So which one of you will Captain on Gordons new jet?
Is that Emily Nomates in the burqa interviewing Cameron?
No, she does not given me wood.
Sheikh Mohammed al Maktoum, leader of Dubai (far right) to Dave:
So, which rich neighbour is going to bail your country out then?
£50 on the nose for samcam, the gold cup with Boris up
Dave: I just wanted you all here to say:
“Boom! Sheik sheik sheik the room!”
Just asked an old dear in the pub watching Farage on the telly. Would you vote for him luv? No way look at him with a big pound sign on his rossette.
Sez it all
Shurely there musht be shome missheikh
the arab in the corner is doing an old arab hand gesture meaning we have this plonker over a barrel
I actually thought he was warming up for the game of snap.
i cannot converse with a sockpuppet that would be darn [ no pun] mentalist
Sheik, prattle and prole.
Well gentlemen. They are called the Falkland Islands and you will get a terrific return on your investment.
OK. Its called black jack. You have to get to 21, the dealer sticks on 17. Shilpa here can bring drinks to your table if you wish. We’re playing for…exclusive oil rights across the gulf for the next 30 years. Lets play cards.
Dave: Shall we start the bidding for UK PLC gentlemen.
Sheik: 3 camels and 72 virgins.
Dave: Done.
Sheik: And you have been Kafir.
Someone Mustapha penny to lend.
So, Mr Cameron, here is our proposal: we will fix it for you to win the election, and in return you will publicly state that there is no such thing as global warming and that burning vast quantities of oil is in fact essential for the survival of the planet.
Deal?
“So, you get Scotland and we get Dubai.
Gentlemen, I think our work here is done.
William, more mint tea all round.”
the dodgy looking arab in corner signals to note taker whatever figures cameron comes up with add several zeros
Do you like our gift of a roasted pig Mr Cameron? We give one to every British politician.
The woman is a fan of ours mr Cameron.
Dave puts together crack ‘hand removal’ squad to punish thieving MPs.
We had an Empire. We discovered the oil there. Now they tell us whats what. What the fuck happened there?
the miserable arab thinks cut the talk i want to get to a lap dancing club mmmm nice
Any of you Shi’ites fancy becoming a non-Dom?
Sheik and Vac-uous.
when did cameron get 4 arms?
oops
To be four-armed is to be four-warmed.
In my house Samantha uses the tea towels.
“….so I noticed the stitching around his wrist and said to him, I see you won your appeal then!…”
Oil-Beef-Hooked.
Yes we can give you a title but you must promise to say that your resident in the UK . . . . .
Four milk sheikhs, a veggie burkha and a blue smoothie please
No, I said run ragged
DC – “I’ll deal…”
OK, guys. Minimum stake is a monkey. And I’ll explain how we play Dave’s invisible poker.
I can no more tell you lot apart any more than I can your wives…
Arab: “You want money? I inherited fortune from uncle. You can help, Mr Dave, we need money get to England, UK. Transfer to your account for us – we pay fee to you – you rich. But first you send us £1 billion to pay taxes in our land to start balls rolling.”
Boy Dave: “Sounds great – George agrees – where do I sign?”
DC” what do you like about the uk sheik? ”
SHEIK ” i love the loose women ”
DC ” bit rude about our women sheik ”
SHEIK ” no camel breath the telly programme , i love it”
OK, gentlemen – Al Jazeera gets the BBC franchise, and all we ask in return is for the stoning of Toenails to be televised at prime time.
DC: I’ll see your £10billion and raise you our gold reserves….errr
You want to buy a British football team? What about Raith Rovers? Gordon Brown is a supporter.
No, no! The brilliant one-eyed keeper was Gordon Banks. Gordon Brown is the one-eyed Scottish ball-tamperer who specialises in scoring own goals.
He’s a net loss.
So, guys, how’s ya mamah?
No thanks, we don’t need anyone to do the washing up – even if you have got your own tea-towels.
Cammo: “So which of you does Sheikh Yerbouti?”
I am bid 1o billion rials to the Conservative Party, and the next Government of the is officially skeptical of AGW. Any advance?
So which one of you is Lord Ashcroft?
SHEIK ” we also liking much your bitches , we love them”
DC ” sorry i don,t understand
SHEIK ” the sandy bitches ,margate, weymouth reminds me of home “
Ahhhhh the Barclays solution.
As you can see i believe in Sharia law and here are the hands of the Tory Troughers
‘You,China and Japan all dump the Dollar.We all go to a Gold Standard.Individual rights and private property are sacrosanct.World sorted.Let’s have a party.
OK sheikh, throw in a free holiday in Dubai and I can let you have the UK for say …£3.00?
‘We want to sell Gordon Brown for some Camels.’ ‘He’s not worth a Camel.’ ‘Ok,we’ll sell him for a Goat.’ ‘He’s not worth a Goat.’ ‘Well,can we give him away?’ ‘A way?He’s been directionless for thirteen years,we suggest you shoot him.’
“This will cost us an arm and a leg”
Ok 4 peerages and I’ll book Heather Mills for your soiree at the Savoy. Just make sure you use nondoms ….sorry condoms.
So which one of you buggered Gordon up the arse then?
WE all did.
I didn’t!
‘It could be Sarah Brown,it could be Lord Mandelson,your Excellency.If you look,you pay!’
Cameron: Do you think Abu dhabi will guarantee our debts since you own our ports.
We’ll trade you Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling for a suite in the Burj Khalifa!
Oh go on then, you can have Hattie Harperson too.
Have you noticed the bloke next to Cameron seems to be playing with his dick through a hole in the table?
Unless it’s the tip of the sheikh’s opposite.
‘Why did Gordon Brown pick his nose? Because the other choices required courage! HaHaHaHaHa’
What do you call a twitchy bloke with an extra portion of bacon on his bonce?
Shake more ham-head.
I’ll get my burqah.
No, no, don’t laugh it’s serious, yes,yes, Mandleson really is an uphill gardener!
Surely not, what, you’d bury him up to the chest and throw rocks at him, mmm, sounds appealing!
“Crimes against humanity? No problem, Tony will be in custody by then and you can have him, shackled and weeping ! “
Bullingdon boys reunion, fancy dress from the middle ages welcome.
Dave says:
Never mind, Plymouth or Everton. What about the Palace of Westminster or Hyde Park, then?
DC ” sheik , how are you enjoying your stay in kensington ?
SHEIK” stay , i live here 6 months of the year i own half of it “
“Right lads. It’s three card brag, no dealing off the bottom of the deck, blind men bet half.
You’re in for an Ashcroft, two life peers, a non-dom or straight expenses.
And don’t take the piss and start flipping….”
‘I hear your Prime Minister is a bully to his very juniors?’ ‘Yes,he is.’ ‘In my Country,that makes him Berk!’ ‘It does here,too.’
Have you heard the one about Mandleson, he wants you to Sheik his cock!
Right, that’s agreed then, all except the bird, off to Spearmint Rhino!
A moment of laughter as translator reveals that the Saudis have bought up the entire world supply of Nokias, thus depriving Gordon of amunition, Dave likes it!
So I open the bidding to become the next Deputy Chairman of the Conservative Party!
Now that Ascroft has zipped his pockets. how much can you afford?
Dave: Do Harrods do any other ‘buy-3-take-home-4′ offers?
“We’ll give you 20 camels for your wife”… says Cameron.
……….But I kissed Samantha in an ENGLISH Restaurant
“I appreciate England beat Egypt ‘cos they were playing against 10 men from the start. How the heck would you otherwise find camel tenders in London?
Right, so thats gold, frankincense and myrrh. So pal your the only one left, what have you got me?
Cameron meets with News of the world reporters
Well you see Sheik, we have nothing to put onto the table, because Gordon Brown gambled it all, and lost it all.
OK, if you win we get http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:RSAF_Tornado_114_07.jpg and you get 20 Milllion into your Coutts account.
main man arab does not know the odd ball next to him , DC suspects its david blaine on another nutty stunt.
‘So, you see, Sheikh, although the South Atlantic isn’t exactly next door to you lot, we reckon the £178bn asking price for the Falklands will eventually be worth its weight in gold. We’ll throw in a couple of Eurofighters for some fun with the Argies if you like.’
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a ham.
Dave: “So this Sheik sells his wife for a camel. He said it was a better hump”
Which one of you boys is the non dom here?
Cammo: “So which of you doesn’t do Sheikh Yermani?”
OK …which one of you is from “news of the world”
I’ll see your Osama Bin Laden and raise you a Baroness Warsi.
DC ” trollox to this deficit , fancy a guinness sheik?”
SHEIK” what is the guinness?”
DC” bit like your oil , but you wouldn,t put it in your bentley “
And when I get into Number 10, inshallah, I’ll make Sam wear a burka every Friday.
dc: i’ll deal then. you ar familiar with the rules of beggar my neighbour?
Ok, it’s three card brag and I’ve got my five here…
“Oil take the high road……”
Oh. A thousand apologies Effendi. That one used to amuse your predecessor for hours.
2 faceless civil servants hugo wrothbury- dillingford and charles burberry- blackberry camera dodge as per usual
Cameroon saying ” If I suck your dicks will you get me elected ” and the arabs replying “Get on down there son”
OK, who wants to be banker?
Look we have all this bloody sand lying about on our beaches doing bugger-all, and I was wondering if you would like to buy some more – to top your own stock in case the wind blows it away.
DC” your sheikness hope you didn,t park on double yellows the clampers are lethal round here ”
SHEIK” not possible unless he can clamp three camels , they are tied to the railings next to your bike”
“Who turn is it to deal?”
Agreed: whoever forgot to bring the roulette wheel will meet The Creator – NOW ?
DC and arab bloke in corner about to start international mouse fight , mick the english mouse v abdullah the mouse ………3, 2, 1 fight.
You want massive sub? We have no subs, we landlocked desert country and need you for weapon…no sub or even boat here…forget sub, you have nuclear subs, you want exploding shirts?
Now that you assured me that none of you are Emily Nomates we can begin
So you want 20% of the oil revenues washed through our South American banking partners?
This is a job for Frank Drebin!
“Great to meet you all.
Now before we get down to business perhaps you can answer a question I have always wanted to ask chaps such as yourselves?”
“Sure, go ahead oh most submissive servant of The Great Satin, please ask anything you wish.”
“Could you tell me how you chaps deal with having many wives, when us English chaps can barely handle one?”
“Simple my friend, we don’t partake of them you understand, we use them as poker chips. They are less smelly then Camels, don’t mess the carpet, or each as much.”
“I SEEeeeeeee.”
DC “you like british music sheik ?”
SHEIK ” i love that rock the casbah , much beauty, right up my oil terminal”
So whose turn to deal?
George O (off stage) – mine sir, the usual is it?
I though it was supposed to be 3 wise men and a virgin to meet the son of god?
So lets get this straight, in return for your donations to party coffers you ALL want a peerage and to be made Vice-Chairs of the Conservative Party??
Journo from daily socialist ” oi mr cameron what first attracted you to HRH Prince Mustafa Lotsalolly and his 100 billion fortune “
He said he had pictures of Lord Mandelson cavorting with young rent boys in Marrakesh
the girl giggles cos her uncle HRH prince wongalots , an old etonian wants revenge after cammers beat him in the tiddly winks school final in 1980. table is set game on.
the tory party agree to sponsor new arab boy band ” sandstorm ” they are a bit like take that but not so sexy, they start a uk tour soon . so far they have sold 3 tickets for watford town hall.
Cameron: “I’ll put my cards on the table. My Government wishes to buy Great Britain back from you”
“does my bomb look big in this?”
Three wise men, Joseph, mary, and a Donkey.
DC”since the living can,t sort the deficit, we have no choice , someone get a glass “
Your Halo’s have slipped
DC” lunch your holiest one ?”
sheik ” well i could murder a doner kebab , but that will give you ideas “
DC”abdullah how,s your wife?
Abdullah” she is well”
DC” how,s your father ?”
abdullah “when you tell me about your sex life, i tell you mine, “
And… so the guy presses the button and blows himself up!
are you ready to oder, yes five Hot Pots & a shit pot please,”youv’e got em”
sheik ,,,,if that cameraman does not go soon, i.ll introduce him to my passive son next to me , he is a nutball when ordered.