January 28th, 2010

What Smoking Ban?

Rumours are swirling around about the near daily smell of fine Cuban smoke emanating from the loos on the fourth floor of Portcullis House first thing in the morning.

Who is this iconoclastic lone law flouter willing to start the day in style?

Guido has his suspicions…


206 Comments

  1. 1
    Peter Handlesmen says:

    If it’s the smell of burning rubber it might be me.

    • 4
      British American Tobacco says:

      BAT

      • 13
        Maladroit Labour Chump says:

        I can’t tell my Cohibas from my coffee bars.

        • 27
          Peter Handlesmen says:

          Give me the coffee bar every time. I prefer a fully roasted Brazilian first thing in the morning to a crafty Cuban in trap two.

    • 11
      Douglas Bader says:

      Rules are for the obedience of fools and the guidance of wise men.

      • 130
        jgm2 says:

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Douglas_Bader

        In 1928, Bader joined the RAF, but, on 14 December 1931 at Woodley airfield near Reading, lost both of his legs in an aircraft crash attempting a slow roll at very low level

        Silly arse.

        • 179
          sockpuppet #4 says:

          whilst showing off/responding to taunting.

          They should have charged him for the knackered plane.

      • 160

        Nicely put, Douglas (how are the legs, btw?) ;-)

        Oddly enough, we were just discussing this very thing at my smokeasy earlier today.

        • 194
          Anonymous says:

          Don’t often get the opportunity to air this old chestnut

          Q: What’s got no legs and is extremely dangerous?

      • 206
        ShoutsAtTVwhenGordo'sOn says:

        That’s a brilliant quote – think it should be applied in the event of an alleged Speeding Offence – well, that’s what Hypocritical Policemen seem to do in the case of their own driving.

        ..Now, can’t we get back to flogging MPs?

    • 23
      Bored at Work says:

      Peter – you should slow down and use a lubricant

    • 24

      What’s wrong with the odd puff in the toilets??

      • 28
        Merely an Observation says:

        What is wrong with it?
        Let me put it this way: if Ken doesn’t want to follow the laws that he is party to passing then the fat useless c’unt should fuck off.
        Surely even an idiot like you can understand that Kev?

        • 57
        • 77
          anon,anon,anon.... says:

          GOSUB TO 11

          • YEAH! says:

            The law may well be wrong and pointless but the principle remains the same Trevor you fuckwit.
            The reason this country is going down to the dogs is because of the lack of morals and the dereliction of principle.
            If the Tories don’t understand the importance of regaining and then maintaining such values and think they are nothing more than an old fashioned joke then the Tory party is obviously not fit to govern.

        • 184
          I Hate Tesco says:

          Useless c’unt, eh? As someone with an economics degree (OK, OK. It’s no big deal) I prefer Ken to the cardboard cutout glove puppet apology for a human being currently inhabiting No 11 and fucking the economy up the arse on the orders of his even more economically illiterate boss, just to hand another bankrupt shell over to the Tories at the GE.

          Ken is economically literate, has a hinterland, appeals to Liabour voters (did my own research there and it’s true, love) and isn’t scared of his own, admittedly well-upholstered face in the morning. “I love the smell of Cubans……that Partagas smell…………”

        • 185
          Anonymous says:

          Why single out Ken. Your advice (involving sex & travel) applies to all the hon. & rt. hon. members of the HoC.

      • 36
        Peter Handlesmen says:

        A puff or a fag. I’m partial to both.

        • 38
          Peter Handlesmen says:

          Kev, why DO they call you toilets ???

          • Tory Troll says:

            I’m a Tory troll and whenever anyone makes valid points on order-order I just spew out a load of shit or a piss poor joke or some crap.
            The best bit is that Conservative HQ pay me to post this shit.
            Sweet!
            Oh shit, I just gave the game away!

          • Coulson's Word Processor says:

            You need to raise your fuckin’ game then !! Cos’ you’re total shite at it !!

          • YEAH! says:

            Look in the mirror c’unt.

          • Master Badger says:

            “whenever anyone makes valid points on order-order”

            Thats why you’ve never said much then.

          • No Offence Intended But.... says:

            You accuse others of not saying much whilst quoting other posters.
            Idiot.

          • Master Badger says:

            Less is more.

            That wasn’t the main thrust of the accusation anyway, dim tωαt

          • No Offence Intended But.... says:

            You offer less than zero.
            Oh, and you never addressed the issue raise initially so it’s a bit rich accusing others of doing that.
            You know what they say, if you can’t keep up fuck off.

      • 63

        I don’t know where “Toilets” came from, I was up a night club and couldn’t get past Mark Oaten at the bar, so I asked if I could push his stool in a bit – What’s wrong with that?

    • 32
      Dick Scratcher says:

      Are you still forty a day? Or eighty when you go to Brazil?

    • 66
      The Sun says:

      Let’s face it, the aroma of Ken’s fine Cuban cigar is far preferable to the stench of a Prescott shit.

  2. 2
    British Engineer says:

    Tory NWO freak.

    I cannot wait to see that fat Euro Tory pig swinging from Westminster bridge.

    • 15
      Raving Loon says:

      hear hear!

    • 105
      Nazi bilderberg War criminals to face trial at the hague? says:

      The Bilderberg pigs like to think they are the masters and we are the slaves.

      One day these mid level bilderberg stooges will find they are as disposable as the rest of us and not really part of an inner circle. just ask former Labour leader John Smith!

  3. 3
    Sir William Waad says:

    Is Bill Clinton in town?

  4. 5
    Battle 2807 says:

    I thought they were allowed to smoke in certain HoC bars anyway.
    4 legs good, 2 legs better eh?

    • 52
      Beating the Ban says:

      “The Health Act 2006 introduces a ban on smoking in workplaces and enclosed or substantially enclosed public places from 1 July 2007. While the Act does not formally apply on the parliamentary estate, the Commission, on the advice of the Administration Committee, has decided that the House should comply with the principles of the legislation, as it is not desirable that those who work on or visit the parliamentary estate should be treated differently in this respect from those in other workplaces and public places. The Commission recognises, however, that many who work on the estate are unavoidably present for long periods, particularly when the House is sitting. It is therefore desirable to make reasonable provision for those who wish to smoke to do so, provided that the health and safety of other users of the estate is not adversely affected.

      With these principles in mind, the Commission has decided that smoking should cease to be permitted from 1 July 2007 in all internal areas of the House of Commons estate, including in bars and private offices. From that date smoking will, however, be permitted in four designated external areas: the Terrace, Commons Court (North West corner), North Terrace (between Portcullis House and Norman Shaw South), and in a designated area on the west side of Canon Row courtyard. Cigarette receptacles will be provided in these areas. “No Smoking” signs will be displayed at entrances to the buildings. I understand that the House of Lords Administration and Works Committee will report its recommendations shortly on the smoking policy for the Lords part of the parliamentary estate.”

      • 89
        Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967) says:

        The Commission could ‘undecide’ their no smoing policy whenever their choose. Hypocritical, troughing, House of fuckers.

        • 110
          Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967) says:

          Flippin’ heck, my fingers aren’t working very well today. ‘smoing’ = ‘smoking’ and ‘their’ = ‘they’.

          ‘House of fuckers’ remains, as before, ‘House of fuckers’.

      • 122
        Just saying says:

        Following that logic I should be allowed to smoke at my local RBL. There are 14 in a Sunday evening round, 11 smokers.n It takes all evening to have a skinful of Pride. I have MS and relient on a lift to and from the RBL, the ‘smoking solution’ used by 10 on a Sunday is down a steep gravel path, unusable with a w/chair or crutchs so I am unreasonably enforced to become an ex smoker for 7 uncomfortable hours every week

    • 157
      name optional says:

      How come the law of the land ‘does not formally apply on the parliamentary estate’? It’s ‘a workplace’, after all!

      Does this apply to other things as well?

      Like the law of fraud in relation to expenses, for instance …

  5. 6
    Posh Tory says:

    Some laws are meant to be broken.

    • 53
      VOTE TORY VOTE DISRESPECT FOR BRITISH LAW - JUST FUCKING LIKE NEW LABOUR says:

      Nice to know the true attitude of the party that seeks to govern this country.
      C’unts like you are going to really choke on a hung parliament.
      Ha fucking ha.

      • 61
        La' says:

        bit of a mouthful, your new moniker, TAT

      • 65
        jgm2 says:

        As long as it’s a Lib-Lab parliament. That way, when the IMF come, the voters will have it fresh in their minds who destroyed the economy.

        But I think Labour are on course for a 1997-style wipe-out. It’s nothing more or less than they deserve.

  6. 7
    Anonymous says:

    Wonderful !! Make that man the Chancellor !!

  7. 8
    sockpuppet #4 says:

    How old is that photo? I thought he looked worse than that these days.

  8. 9
    Damian McBride says:

    I never inhale>

    Give me a job.

  9. 10
    The mother of all pocket liners says:

    Wast it not the original old bat Mrs. T who was in the pocket of BAT.

    Good to see the old adage well in force of one law for them and one for the troughers.

  10. 12
    wank says:

    Huhne arse bollocks bitch

  11. 14
    Anonymous says:

    What made me laugh the other evening was the Ken and Mandy show, trying to portray that they were on opposite sides of the fence, when they are both EU shills for the Bilderberger group. If they’d invited Chris Patten they could have had a hat-trick..

    • 98
      Carry On Don't Lose Your Head (1967) says:

      Given their light hearted banter, it was clear they had a soft spot each other. Looked to me that they were simply going through the motions – after all UK politics is a puppet theatre, as they know. Onwards and upwards Bilderbergers!

  12. 16
    Anonymous says:

    I do believe it is that fat twat, that euroarsehole Ken Clarke. The Hush Puppy git.

  13. 17
    The Dirty Rat says:

    Probably Gordon burning his tampon plugs in the ‘Bunny Burner’

  14. 18
    Harriet Harman says:

    OK OK

    It’s a fair cop Guido

    I love a cigar when sipping champagne in the Ladies

    • 25
      Less cut glass says:

      Orrwight Orrwight

      It’s a fair cop Gee do

      I luv a cee gar when sippin’ sham pain in the Laydeez

    • 193

      HOPE THE CIGAR IN QUESTION, WAS FROM A SUSTAINABLE CROP, AND ROLLED BETWEEN THE THIGHS OF A VIRGIN, (BOY, GIRL) AND, OR, OTHERWISE TRANSVESTITE GENDER UNSPECIFIC LESBEIN (LIPSTICK ET AL) LEATHER GIMP , MALE OR FEMALE. WITH THEIR FACES PIXELLD OUT FOR GOOD MEASURE.

  15. 19
    gildedtumbril says:

    I do believe it is that fat twat euroarsehole Kenneth Clarke.

  16. 20
    Mark Oaten MP says:

    I’ve been known to smoke the odd bum cigar.

  17. 21
    Johna says:

    Prime Minister Gordon Brown.

    “I hope he wins this, as a major tournament,” he told BBC 5 live. “It would be great news. He’s a great tennis player and a great guy.”

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/tennis/8485282.stm

  18. 22

    We know that cast-iron wants to get rid of the fox hunting ban, but what about getting rid of the smoking ban? John Reid was against the ban because it would affect the working class, who are now pissed off with Labour for banning their ciggies. Dave could get his landslide if he pledged to get rid of the ban.

    • 74
      NuAttack Dog says:

      amazingly this is probably true

    • 87
      blondini says:

      Just allowing smoking in pubs, clubs and bingo hall would do the job. Guaranteed.

      • 197
        Clean Air Act says:

        Not for me, I’d never go into a pub again.
        I was and am 100% in favour of the smoking ban.

    • 154
      Ruth Kelly's plaything says:

      My vote for Dave is finely balanced as it is – he supports the EU and is failing to demand serious efficiencies from the NHS and the great education swindle – and I want to vote for a proper Tory.

      If voting Tory meant I had to go back to smelling of fag-smoke every time I went into a pub, and putting up with other people’s smoke in restaurants, he’d certainly lose my wavering support. For my money, the ban is the one thing the nanny state got right (out of thousands it got wrong).

      • 172
        Smoker says:

        Let the pubs and restaurants decide.You and your boring friends can sit in your sterile spaces and the rest of us can enjoy one of natures greatest blessings.

        • 176
          Blackthorne says:

          The bastards are planning even more restrictions if they get back in… Banning smoking in cars and even your own home… Bastard Fucking Labour Twats.

    • 168

      Spot on, RA. Clear thinking like that doesn’t come easy to a politician though.

  19. 30
    I Vote Labour says:

    Yvette Cooper in some riding boots is smokin’

  20. 31
    jgm2 says:

    OT

    One ofthe 30% spotted in Tesco….

    http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/wales/8484116.stm

    supermarket in St Mellons in Cardiff….

    …..Elaine Carmody, 24, a full-time mother of two young boys, described the ban as “ridiculous” and “pathetic”.

    She said she had regularly gone shopping at the store in her pyjamas until about a week ago when she was turned away when she went to buy cigarettes.

    She said she been “popping in for a pack of fags,” but if she had been doing a full shop “then we obviously would have gone in clothed”.

    I bet she’s ‘incapacitated’ too.

  21. 40
    Cancer Stick Ken Clarke (I Kill For Cash) says:

    I will sell anything that kills people, weapons, fags, if it kills people I will sell it.
    I wear sloppy shoes to make out that I am a nice old guy but really I am just a fucking murderer really. I have helped kill more people than Peter Sutcliffe but the press only talk about my tatty Hush Puppies.
    Good one, eh?

    • 83
      AC1 says:

      Fuck off you neo-puritan bore.

      Smoke and a Pint = Heaven.

      • 101
        YEAH! says:

        You make me laugh you dopey c’unt.
        You are always banging on about abolishing the NHS and how evil it is but your comment exposes you as being full of shit.
        When you immerse yourself in your tobacco and alcohol heaven who will you come running to when you get cancer?
        Or perhaps you have private cover in which case do you declare your smoking and drinking habits to them?
        I bet you don’t even have private cover you fucking hypocrite.
        Fuck off AC1 you are a total cock. A bullshitter.

      • 143
        SirSidneyRuff-Diamond says:

        As a man who enjoys both a smoke and a pint I concur.

    • 90
      Gonk says:

      Big, big, bollocks to you Mr. I’ve got a list
      of things I’d like to ban.

    • 104
      Cavill Roe says:

      They are not Hush Puppies, they are extremely expensive, handmade and bespoke, like his suits. He just has the unusual knack of making everything he puts on look as if he bought it from a catalogue.

  22. 50
    Blue Rosette says:

    Why don’t Labour just ban smoking outright and the sale of cigs illegal. End of.

    Or repeal the legislation currently in force.

    On second thoughts they need the tax income

    • 77
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      Because they don’t have shares in P+O

    • 135
      SirSidneyRuff-Diamond says:

      Precisely: mokers pay a lot of tax. Tax-and-spend, it’s New labour’s answer to everything, and quite clearly doesn’t work.
      They will be stopping smokers getting health care next. In fact it has started to happen already. Some may cheer at this, but look how much revenue the peoples’ exchequer receive from smoking taxes!

  23. 56
    Max says:

    You have it wrong, Guido. It’s the Liebore equivalent of a papal conclave. Did your informant note the smoke as white or black? If white the next step of course would be Peter proclaiming from the terrace:

    “Annuntio vobis gaudium magnum: Habemus Papam!”

  24. 57
    Portcullis House toilet cleansing officer, Second Class. says:

    Sir, the aroma of Mr Clarke’s fine Cuban cigars is a blessed relief when Mr Brown and his somewhat corpulent friend Mr Brown have visited cubicle 4 together.

  25. 64
    Disco Biscuit says:

    Ken’s on the 5th, not 4th, floor…

    You do still get the stench of cigar smoke from George Galloway’s office on the 3rd though!

  26. 67
    John Cipher says:

    What a bloke – I’d shag his sis

  27. 68
    Fuming says:

    Why don’t UKIP link their proposed Burqa Ban with the Smoking Ban ?

    That way, any enclosed public space would ban both.

    Bet it wouldn’t be long then before the iniquitous Smoking Ban was repealed !

  28. 70
    Smash Labour says:

    Could it be the one eyed gay jock mong burning an old exercise book?

    • 97
      Max says:

      Ho, ho! and making a right hash of it, probably burning it a page at a time and flushing away what he can a la Billy Liar.

  29. 71
    The IMF is coming says:

    Will someone please tell the Government that Afghanistan is landlocked, so the fucking tide can’t fucking turn

  30. 75
    Anonymous says:

    Would this be the Ken Clarke who told Rushcliffe Borough Council that his main residence (i.e. by definition where he spends most time) was in London to get a reduction in Council Tax Payments whild telling the House of Commons Authorities that his main home was in Nottingham to ensure he could claim for second home allowance. I smell a new scam – we will be paying for the upkeep of the cubicle next you mark my words.

  31. 79
    RightUpTheirNose says:

    Those were the days when between sessions you could nip down to davidoffs and bag several boxes of 25s…latours…haut brions..laffites and smoke away undisturbed for hours on the westminster estate making your opposition members sick with jealousy as they chuffed on a king eddie. happy days….abolish the ban.

  32. 92
    Hugh Jardon says:

    WAY off topic.
    BUT..didn’t Cyclops heap praise on Toyota during Jug Ears Marr’s ‘interview’ a few weeks back?????

  33. 95
    Man With A Very Hot Bladder says:

    Sod the smoking ban. Bastards.

  34. 100
    blondini says:

    Hey, “Dave”, let me smoke in the pub and I don’t give a shit if we stay in the EUSSR! You listening, boy?

  35. 106
    bandersnatch says:

    Smoking in the bogs is a traditional school pastime. Lads used to feel they were safe from discovery especially if female teachers were on playground duty. Those women with the most bottle would brave the mixture of noxious smells and go in and catch them. Send for Widders! She’s still on the staff till the end of term.

  36. 114
    Nick2 says:

    Having seen the ghastly designed-by-committee Portcullis House with my own eyes, ANYTHING that increases the probability of its destruction (preferably with all hands) should be commended!

  37. 128
    jgm2 says:

    And that was Orla Guerin reporting for the 10 O’Clock news. And now back to the studio where Fiona Bruce will be giving the reminder of todays news through the medium of dance.

  38. 131
    Nick2 says:

    Thank you for your input. Please don’t bother again.

  39. 134
    Cream Puff says:

    I dont share the same politics as Ken Clarke, but oh do I love a good Cuban Cigar (that is when Im allowed to by my other half!)

  40. 138
    SirSidneyRuff-Diamond says:

    I doubt you have the inate intelligence to manage even this, but please try very hard to find your way to a doctor’s surgery and beg to see a psychiatrist. You are very ill.

  41. 141
    Smoke them out says:

    Cigars are more dangerous than fags. Should be avoided unless you have the lungs of a cockroach which can survive a nuclear fallout.

  42. 142

    Oy! I don’t need nutters like you on my side, thanks!

  43. 144
    Carter Fuck says:

    George doesn’t rely on his salary and expenses for income you know. He takes his professional reputation very seriously.

  44. 145
    jgm2 says:

    That was Orla Guerin reporting from Beirut.

    Now, back to the studio.

  45. 146
    duster says:

    phew u need help…. try upping the dosage

    • 167
      Why do the Zionists keep posting anti-Jewish posts? 5 sheckels to the first correct answer says:

      Jim, we know you are a Zionist propagandist.
      Why do you Zionists hate Jewish people so much?
      Very strange.

  46. 150
    Ruth Kelly's plaything says:

    I thought jails and parliament are the sole exceptions to the smoking ban?

    (Or does Pcullis Hse count only as offices?)

  47. 156
    SirSidneyRuff-Diamond says:

    TONY BLAIR wearing PURPLE VELVET JUMP SUIT with BERLUSCONI

    Some of you will recall earlier in the noughties ‘that’ photograph of Tony Blair meeting Berlusconi whilst on holiday when he wore what was surely the most absurd attire ever donned by a British prime minister, setting or retired.

    His decision to dress like a perfumed pratt was clearly influenced of CAROL CAPLIN, the Blair’s New Age life coach/adviser.

    I have searched everywhere for this photograph and have failed to find it. It does seem very strange that it has apparently disppeared from public view.
    http://www.deadbrain.co.uk/news/article_2004_03_11_3233.php

    I would like to ask everyone if they can come up with a link to this photograph … and that includes you hacks who frequent Guido’s pages. Come on guys, earn your money. Where is this photo? T’would be good to see it pop up tomorrow, would it not?!

    • 162
      King Karlos says:

      Well a quick search on t’internet and all I could find was Blair preparing for Chilcott:
      http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_VlmHNP9So5Y/Sxt4hRcIDLI/AAAAAAAAD80/e5-_-CM0oac/s400/TonyBlair.jpg

      • 188
        Moley says:

        As Blair’s headmaster said, “the only thing he was any good at was acting”.

        He could have won an Oscar for his skill at feigning sincerity and truthfulness.

    • 177
      Blue Rosette says:

      Very good point.

      Just where is that photo of the nonce in his purple shell suit?

      Come on you lefty luvlies one of you in Islingtonia will have it framed above your bed with the Bliar Crucifix and Rosary (so fashionable at the time).

      Forgotten what fun it is to mock the lefty wing pseuds who were so abundant off Upper St in the mid 80′s with that paedo lover Hodge and Diane Abbott moving in.

      Wouldn’t collect black bin bags as they were racist and I remember proudly tearing down one night all the Troops out of N Ireland posters (had razor blades behind them) all over Essex Road, Islington Green, Upper Street. Took 3 hours and the Police tried to arrest us for littering. Fat chance. They gave us forensic brown sacks with a clear strip in them so we spent another two hours picking up all the litter which took the useless binmen 3 weeks to collect as they were not the pink bags.

      Oh yes….remember the red flag going missing from the Islington Town Hall? Evening Standard some years later offfered a bounty for it. Wonder who has it now? Hahahaha

      Filthy left luvvies. Total hypocrites and champagne socialists.

  48. 173
    Smash Labour says:

    This is what should happen to Bliar and the rest of Nu Liebour scum.

    http://sherryx.files.wordpress.com/2009/02/taliban_hanging.jpg

  49. 174
    Freedom for everyone says:

    The smoking ban is here to stay. It’s a law which panders to prejudice.
    A new law should be enacted whereby any establishment open to the public should be allowed to declare it to be for smokers only– non smokers not allowed whether customers or staff.

    Only fascist bastards would argue against that.

    • 178
      Blue Rosette says:

      Say cigs packet 20 in the UK £6.50? Parts of the EU £2.50.

      Now surely one of aspiring three million on job seekers allowance can work out an opportunity when they see one.

      Only for private consumption mind. And make sure they are duty paid.

    • 182
      freechoice says:

      that would have been the fairest way of doing it originally whereby a particular establishment decides if it is smoking or non..potential staff also have the choice
      ..end of problem…that would have been too sensible of course.

  50. 190
    Yoof says:

    Ha ! Good on him.

    Let’s hope he’s soon smoking a fat one to celebrate replacing that twat Osborne.

  51. 192

    kEN CLARKE AND A CIGAR . THE MANS BULLETPROOF. HE GAVE LABOUR 5 YEARS START AND NEVER CLAIMED ANY CREDIT MAN’S MAN

  52. 205
    aboutchoice says:

    The smoking ban alone has caused around 100,000 job losses in UK hospitality; four million of us that used to go the pub each evening no longer do, according to a recent NHS Information Centre report.
    Millions of others go out less often and pubs are closing at the rate of fifty seven a week. Smoking prevalence is still on the increase, why then is this
    reported as a huge step forward for the health of the nation? Is ruining the social lives and businesses of so many really such an achievement? Good luck to Clarke, lets hope the next government permits a choice of areas to suit everyone in our pubs and clubs. Labours broken manifesto pledge.



The Iranian Model is Hitler | Lawrence J. Haas
No.10′s Andrew Cooper Should Look at this Poll | Douglas Carswell
Livingstone Has Form on Homophobia | ConservativeHome
Investors HBack Over RBS Meddling | CityAM
Riddled With It | Pink News
I Went Mad in the Seventies | Ken
Guy Newsroom Splits | Indy
Polly’s Voodoo Polling | UK Polling Report
Labour SpAd Backs the Bill | Mark Wallace
Guido Goes for the Lobby | Press Gazette

Previously Seen


Peter Botting


Max Clifford says…

“Most people want to read nasty things about people, not nice things.”



DisgustedOfMitcham2 says:

Maybe if they really wanted to “decontaminate the Labour brand” with business people, they shouldn’t have totally buggered up the economy?

Just a thought.


Tip off Guido
Web Guido's Archives








RSS


AddThis Feed Button
Archive


Labels
Guido Reads