Campbell Takes More than 45 Minutes to Explode
Everyone knows Bad Al used to make ends meet writing soft-porn for Forum magazine. The question is has the experience of the years since those sex and drink filled days made his saucy prose any better? Judge for yourself, here is the sex scene verbatim from his new novel Maya:
“She wasn’t wearing a bra. I reached down to cup her breast. She breathed in sharply, leaning towards me. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath, my hand immobile for a few seconds, just holding a breast that had fed so many fantasies, so much frustration. It felt better than the best of any fantasy.
Then I indulged in another fantasy. I gripped the expensive fabric of her green dress in my two hands and I tore it. With a shimmer, the silk fell away to her waist. It was the first time I had seen her breasts. Though there were several highly erotic scenes in ‘An English Rose Abroad’, Maya had never been filmed naked from the front. Now there they were, perfect objects of desire, my hands touching them and my lips moving down to kiss them. I ran my tongue around her nipples and then into the valley of her throat and up to her lips. ‘Kiss me,’I said, and as she did I felt both her hands on my shoulders, then running down my back, up to my shoulders again, as our tongues ended a two-decade courtship, circled each other again and again, till I sucked her hard into my mouth, and she me into hers. She grabbed at my belt, helped me open my trousers, then force them to the floor as she pulled me on top of her. My hands fell away from her breasts but I wanted them back there, to make that moment of first contact endure. I raised my self up so that I could keep my mouth on hers but also touch her nipples once more, than I moved down to kiss them, and as I kissed and nippped and bit, she grabbed my hair, tugged it hard and behan to emit little gasps, momentary bursts of sounds that said to me I was giving her pleasure. Her pleasure was now my sole ambition. She brought her mouth back to mine, then tugged on my shoulders and I was lying on top of her, the outside of my thighs touching the inside of hers. I felt her calves on mine as she locked her legs around me, our tongues danced around each other once more, and she was wriggling beneath me, her hands on my hips, then she was pulling me towards her, directing me to everything I had ever hoped for. I thought the walls were going to fall down as we stroked and screamed our way through hours of pleasure to the union for which my whole life had been a preparation.”
So it took more than 45 minutes to explode then…
Or, in his case, 45 seconds…
I wish he would indulge in a fantasy of mine and sod off.
It’s funny because he’s a warcriminal who pushed through and was a cheerleader for a catastrophic NeoCon War!
Hahahahahha!!!
Bring on Blair so we can through shoes at him
Oooh, it gets a Labour girl going it’s does. After I’ve done the dishes and put Gordon’s lard pie in the oven I think I’ll take myself ddown to Kent for a ‘British roast’.
Tweet tweet
I feel sick now.
Tractor statistics never looked more attractive.
( http://cogitodexter.wordpress.com/2010/01/26/tractor-production-up/ )
Tractor statistics?
**** Awful Joke Warning ****
**** Awful Joke Warning ****
Its time the nation sent him a ‘John Deere’letter
The entire book takes on a completely different complexion if you replace the word ‘Maya’with ‘
Ann Widdecombe’.
Unfortunately I now cannot get the picture out of my mind.
From Bad Al’s Blog of Deranged Psychosis and Dribbling:
“Forgive me if I have only one thing on my mind today – no not that, nor even plugging Maya (out soon by the way and may I say the man from the Mirror, who gave my first novel a great write up, says he likes this one even more) so what with Time Out’s Book of the Week, and ‘steamy and intriguing’from the Mail on Scumday and that nice write up in Saturday’s Times, Maya is shaping up nicely. I LOVE the cover.”
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!
This man is comedy gold.
What a fucking deluded prick!
it’s that wanker who was ranting against the Joooooos!
calmed down yet wanker?
Oh god! Bring me the sick bucket!
Mr 0.1%
Oh yeah baby, let me wiggle my 0.1% in your face then remove my ‘jockstrap’
Oh yeah baby.
What a tosser – making love to him would be like sticking your head in a buzz saw. God I feel sick thinking about it.
Wankfest
Is Maya a pseudonym for Blair or Mandelson in drag? Which one do you suppose he is fantasising about?
No, never mind, let’s NOT go there. It really doesn’t bear thinking about!
Apparently its Dacre of the Mail according to one interview AliAlkie gave recently.
But Bliar was Dubya’s babe!
Dubya’s Bitch, I think is the correct phrase.
He imagines he’s screwing the Princess of Wales.
If the silly tart had done up her seatbelt he’d have probably had his turn long ago. She seemed to be working her way around most of the adult population of London.
Ooooh, oooooh, ahhhhhhhhh !!!
What it probably closer to the truth:
She wasn’t wearing a bra. I reached down to cup her down there. She breathed in sharply, leaning towards me. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath, and realized I liked Peter Mandelson’s cock instead. “This tranny just won’t do” I told myself. So zipped up and left.
LMAO!!! more realistic!
However up North it is more like:
She wasn’t wearing a bra. I reached down to cup her down there. She breathed in sharply, leaning towards me and kicked me in the bollocks.
Later I drove her wild by wiping my knob on the curtains
Actually, it was a venetian blind
Groucho, comedy classic! Brilliant!
That is shit even by the crappiest of porn standards.
Alistair, if you are reading this, Do us all a big and final favour. KILL YOURSELF.
Tell you what, take a long walk up to a secluded hill side, have a painkiller and then cut your wrist with an old pen-knife.
When that fails, do the job properly and hang yourself till you are completely dead.
Seriously, I don’t actually care how you do it, just so long as you do. Suck on a tailpipe. Borrow a gun from a yank friend, lie on a railway line after a bend, I do not care how you do it, just do it.
Oooooh WMD! Cooked up! Cooked! Very saucey! Nudge nudge wink win. Say no more! Say no more! A dossier! A dossier! Very dodgy eh? Know what I mean?
Candid, Candid, Like it, nice one… Nudge nudge wink wink… What about photography? you know photography? as in satellite photography? eh, eh, know what I mean? As in candid shots of WMD sites, he asks him knowingly?
LMAO!
But Labour wants your photos, and set up a flickr site for you to help. The result though does not seem to be what was wanted, but then again what do we expect? Is Dolly moonlighting again?
http://blogs.telegraph.co.uk/culture/kateday/100006399/labour-change-we-see-but-you-cant-photograph/
There’s bad, crap and downright rubbish then this puerile teenage drivel.
God that made me wet. The tears of derisive laughter are coursing down my face. That pile of prepubescent, behind the bike sheds retarded shite must be a contender for the worst written sex scene award. Fuck knows what the dodgy dossier looked like if that’s the best the Hoon can do.
Porn?? It gave me a 0.1% increase in growth..!!
Ah the end of the sex recession. I must tell my wife.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nope, That recession is still VERY much continuing.
I remember the day long ago when I looked into her eyes and said “I do,” and she said, “not any more you won’t!”
Yeah. My wife doesn’t believe in sex after marriage either :0(
I want mine to fuck off too, for the same reason.
that much?
Better than 0% growth
The Campbell is coming, oho, oho…..
Making up stories is what Campbell’s all about.
I have every hope that this tripe will soon be alongside his other tome – “The Blair Years” at 99p in Bookends before the end of February !! Only 20,000 copies left
You only ever get shit from an arsehole and here is the proof
And…………………he left his socks on!!
This lying fucking sack of shit supports the same football team as I do, and the thought makes me want to curl up and die of shame.
However, I now have something to thank him for. When I’m in my declining years, and suffering in the cold winter nights, I will remember the first and only time I read this execrable attempt at fiction and the warm glow of embarrassment will mean I don’t need to switch on another bar on the electric fire.
Campbell was rushed into hospital this morning suffering from premature ejeculation – I rang his consultant to see how he was and the consultant said “it was touch and go” – 2 minutes later Campbell discharged himself!
Was Peter there, waiting to collect?
er , shouldn’t that be “—-self discharged himself” ?
“thought the walls were going to fall down as we stroked and screamed our way through hours of pleasure to the union for which my whole life had been a preparation.”
That did it for me, I just cracked one off and splaffed all over me new Acer 19″ monitor. I’m off to Poundstretcher to buy this book now.
I thought I was the only one who did things like that?
So Alistair Campbell’s fantasy is to rape somebody.
Hold on… he raped the Iraqi people so it isn’t a fantasy it is a reality.
BURN IN HELL ALISTAIR CAMPBELL YOU FUCKING SATANIST
YOU WILL BURN IN HELL FOR YOUR SINS MOTHERFUCKER
SKREEEEEERRKK!!! (flutter) (ping) TATTATTAT!!!
I feel sick
Wait until you find out that Clare Short was his object of his virtual lust.
Phwooar!
Close …… not Clare, Robin.
A new porn has broken has it not?
Today isn’t a day for love bites but I feel a surge of pleasure as the hand of history strokes my shoulder.
I would NOT have you pay for me to watch that!
Do you know of any good sex scenes in any book though?
Nice one in last months “Milf Hunter” !!!!!
You would never find Jacqui Smith in that. (And not for that reason)
Page 100, Naked Lunch.
The Bible has its moments.
Burnley FC Player Manual has scenes of dribbling and putting a ball in the back of the net (own goal). Not exactly erotic, but at least you get to take your kit off after 90 minutes foreplay.
is this another of campbell’s dodgy sexed up dossiers?
This will be a shoo-in for the Bad Sex Literature prize this year.
Re: Alistair Campbell’s novel.
What a load of rubbish.
REJECTED.
Pathetic
I would rather he was screwing around like this than screwing the country.
No wonder he’s depressed, writing crap like this.
Were any government scientists harmed in the writing of this so-called book?
Bush’s pleasure is his sole ambition, now Maya’s – make your mind up.
Do people really fork out for such utter tripe?
Good thing is they won’t have to now, the illiterate’s rodomontade is all up there at the top of the blog, orthographic inexactitudes- “nippped” – et al.
And this is the best a professional doc-sexer can do?
Wow, I’ve got a wet patch on the front of me trews.
Which makes a pleasant change from a crusty patch on the back of me trews.
anyone else imagining Ali ‘fwapping’away at the keyboard with a signed photo of Cherie next to the laptop
Puke buckets on standby
I need brain bleach now you c’unt!
A quick slurp on her nipples and straight in? Has he never heard of a clitoris?
Inconsiderate bastard.
Did someone call?
Is that the new Renault?
“I thought the walls were going to fall down as she screamed her way through hours of rape to the non-consensual union for which my whole life had been a preparation.
I then stabbed her in the head and burned her body to cover up the crime.
Shit happens”
~The End (of Alistair Campbell)
Quote of the day
Foreign Secretary David Miliband on a visit to Serbia said…
“I come to Serbia as a proud friend of Kosovo, sorry, of Serbia…”
That could easily be Quote of the Year.
It certainly ranks up there with John Reid the IRA supporter saying not a bullet would be fired in Afghanistan.
One million bullets later and counting……
You mean they’re NOT using catapults ??
All bullets over there have and will be employed
That ranks up their with George Bush’s “Do you have blacks in Brazil too?” remark.
isn’t it heartwarming that we are represented internationally by this level of amateurish fuckmuppetry and fucktarded wanktwatterry.
Sorry, no, that is not heart warming, it is heartburn. Easy mistake to make.
I come to Cadbury’s as a friend of Kraft
We won’t report that, David is our friend!
“I wasn’t wearing boxer shorts. She reached down to cup my balls. She breathed in sharply, leaning towards me. I felt dizzy. I took a deep breath, my hand immobile for a few seconds, just holding my knob that had fed so many fantasies, so much frustration. It felt better than hearing that the recession was over.”
Extract from Big Al’s Book of Bollocks to be serialised in The Guardian
He’s nicked my story! Bastard!
It’s a threesome.
Balls is there too.
Lord ‘Mike’Hunt is going to join in shortly, too….
“I felt dizzy”
I wonder what dizzy thinks.
he,he, he
It’s fractionally more convincing than that dodgy dossier.
I sucked her hard into my mouth
He sucked her hard what into his mouth?
Ladyboy, 50 Baht.
I sprayed coffee all over my monitor at that.
Or to put it another way; what do you expect for a quid?
Her Adam’s Apple?
Aghhh, did I want to know all this – NO!!
Now be gone spin meister of a sinking economy.
Its just sexed up Mills & Boon all boom and bust
I think you’ll find it’s all bust and bust.
That’s not how I remember it.
Indeed, the police report does not suggest that the quick wriggle was consensual either.
Still, at least we’ve got his DNA on the database now…..
You’d think he’d be able to describe sex a lot better than that, being a professional c*nt?
I didn’t want Alistair to kiss and tell just yet.
Thanks for that one
I’m there. O Guido, I’m there.
Give me a job.
Jesus Christ.
No wonder he’s depressed.
I suppose it must be very depressing if, every time you look in the mirror you see an arse-hole staring back at you.
It’s the only thing that gets me up in the morning.
But a quick half an hour with the extra extra virgin olive oil usually brings me back down to earth with a splash…..
Raped Iraq then F***** Britain – no wonder Britain is starting to resemble HELL
Meanwhile Elizabeth Wilmshurst dangles a noose in front of the inquiry.
Will anybody place it around the guilty men’s necks?
Straw in deep ess aitch one tee methinks.Is he willing to take the “shot” for Bliar on this one ?
Not just Elizabeth Wilmshurst but it seems every single Foreign Office Lawyer advised that without 2nd UN Resolution the war was illegal. A view with which Lord Goldsmith concurred with right up until 7 March 2003 after requesting and receiving according to David Bummell’s evidence this morning, a letter from Blair confirming that Iraq was in “material breach” of Resolution 1441 which in Wilmshurt’s view was the responsibility of the UN Security Council NOT Blair or UK Government.
In addition Goldsmith submitted his draft opinion setting out a contrary view to his ultimate one in January 2003 which according to Wilmshurst’s evidence was “extra-ordinary” and never to her personal knowledge happened before
Sir Michael Wood was also surprised at his legal advice/opinion regarding the legaility of the war being rejected out of hand by Jack Straw on the basis that “International Law is somewhat vague etc….”. As Sir Michael Wood said this has never happened before or since .A fact also confirmed by ex-Foreign Secretary Sir Malcolm Rifkind during his time in government.
Lord Goldsmith(will he also be willing to take the “shot” for Bliar also ?) now is right in the centre of the maelstom whipped up to-day by the Law Officers as the panel gets nearer to its ultimate target – Blair but so far the evidence has been pretty damaging for Bliar & Co
Strange, isn’t it, how Goldsmith was against until right up to a couple of days before kick-off – and then changed his mind following a trip to Washington.
Arm up back, perhaps?
What’s he doing now?
“Iraq was in “material breach” of Resolution 1441″
———————————————–
I assume that this was in response to the “incomplete” arms declaration which was a condition of 1441.
Actually the USA was in material breach of 1441. Iraq handed over full details of their entire weapons inventory, and performed the handover inside Iraq as per the instructions of the USA.
They handed over that full declaration to the USA at the behest of the USA. They should have insisted on handing it direct to the security council, but the USA insisted on collecting it themselves.
The USA then redacted MOST of it, eliminating all the dodgy deals that Rumsfeld and Cheney were still making money from.
The USA removed most of the declaration and then handed what was left to the permanent members of the security council and a smaller version still to the full council.
The USA breached 1441, NOT Iraq!
Just dropped by to let you good children know that my elves are busy in the grotto knocking up a scaffolding. This year all your christmas wishes will come true. Post a letter up the chimney detailing how many hooks need to be fitted.
Ho,ho,ho.
No need to call me three times, fat boy.
Dear Jim
Can you fix it for me to film TB on the end of a rope so I can post it on YouTube next to the one of Saddam?
————-
F*ck off Alastair, you sick b*st*rd. Stick to writing porn….
I suppose on the positive side, at least he doesn’t go on about WMD.
then tugged on my shoulders and I was lying on top of her, the outside of my thighs touching the inside of hers.
Okay Al. Got it. Lying on top of her. Outside of your thighs. Inside of hers. Got it. In the saddle. Wahaaaay.
I felt her calves on mine as she locked her legs around me,
Eh?
our tongues danced around each other once more,
Oh aye, whatever.
and she was wriggling beneath me, her hands on my hips,
Is this with her calves touching yours with her legs locked around you? Is it? Then how did she get her hands on your hips with her fucking legs wrapped around you touching your calves. Her fucking legs would be in the way.
then she was pulling me towards her, directing me to everything I had ever hoped for.
I thought you were already lying on top of her Al. With her legs locked around you. Her calves touching your calves. How could there be any more fucking space to pull you towards her.
Have you ever had sex Al? Or have you set up some random program on the computer to generate this shit?
See? He’s very good at writing confusing stories. He has had a lot of practice, though.
I would guess the calves were the four-legged variety.
Certainly hope it wasn’t Sarah Tweet’s calves and thighs….ball crushers, now that’s a thought, where’s Ed and Yvette!!
Sarah Tweet does not have calves – she had to settle for heifers instead ;-P
Was this taking place in a field in Oxfordshire?
Maybe Dr Kelly chanced upon Campbell and his gymnastic totty while on his walk and Campbell had to shut him up?
He still hasn’t taken his undies off, nor yet his socks
Ah, 139, you spotted a flaw in his storytelling. I’d offer him my proofreading services, but I’d throw up.
‘Have you ever had sex Al?’
Agree, jgm2. I swear I read this unspeakable shite and uppermost in my mind was , ‘Has this tosser EVER had a shag?’
He ‘shagged’Kelly good and proper!!
Fair point. Well made.
Give the guy a chance!
Can’t wait for the 45 minute bit – which page is it on? – uughh I think I’m gonna…..
Hopefully AC and friends are being f**cked this afternoon by Chilcot
Pure unmitigated crap! And Alistair is very good at writing it.
You need to leave your petty feuds and grievances behind and act your age. Much of the material you punt is either patently wrong or juvenile or both. You’ve got your foaming chain rattlers who, lacking any morality or sense, hang on your every word. The Daily Mail beckons . . .
….or even Nuts.
The combination of Bad Al’s sordid prose and the organ donation advert … “96% of us would take an organ” was too much for me.
A tin of Baxters finest chunky chicken now wasted down the porcelain.
Yuck
I looked down at Gordon’s penis, he wasn’t wearing a thong. His cock was tiny, but I didn’t care, I wanted this bad boy now.
“Give it to me hard Gordon”, I gasped as he began to work his limp penis into a hard rod of manhood, I panted as it went into……..
Am I better than Alistair?
In the same league, certainly.
“I gasped as he began to work his limp penis into a hard rod of manhood, I panted as it went into …..the vacuum pump…..thank god for British manufacturing, I thought…..wherever would we be without Dyson?
hoover junior ?
No the one that beats as it sweeps…… (or are you too young to remember that one?)
Final proof that Campbell wasn’t lying after all. He couldn’t sex-up anything if he tried.
24 carat.
Chapter two: A Murder in the Woods!
Chapter 3: The End
Easy…
Chapter 4: Hutton
Piece of piss….
Chapter 5: Chilcot
Oh fuck…..!!!!
Chapter 6: The Hague
Look, chaps, I’m a pretty straight sort of guy…..
A French parliamentary committee has recommended a partial ban on women wearing Islamic face veils.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/8480161.stm
A partial ban? How’s that going to work? Ban the left side from being covered on odd days and the right side from being covered on even days? They can wear a veil that covers the back of the head but not the front. Or vice versa?
Only show the eyes and nose?
Partial ban: men not allowed to wear a burka unless taking part in bank robberies or fleeing the country.
I’d have no problem with McRuin wearing a burka – when he goes to meet the hangman.
I reckon that the breaking News that the Iraq war was illegal is a tad more important than Als latest novel
Hundreds of thousands of people illegally killed by Britain
We are the law, so how can it be illegal!
Oh this ‘illegal war’bollocks might be enough to upset a few more bed-wetters into voting Liberal or staying at home but the UK is a grown-up country (despite the arseholes who’ve been in charge of fucking it up with their adolescent economic policy). We don’t need the UN or any fucker’s say-so if we want to kick off a war with any bastard.
That’s how it works.
Do you think Gadaffi sought UN permission to have a war in Chad? Saddam to kick off in Iran? Israel to kick off any time it likes?
Oooooh. We can’t have a war unless the UN says so. Curses. Foiled again by the UN.
Load of shit isn’t it? Our country. Our decision. The UN can go fuck itself. It’s got a full mission on the ground in Haiti and they still couldn’t organise a relief operation. Hundreds of professionally concerned busybodies driving around in big fuck-off Toyota Landcruisers to their air-conditioned offices achieving fuck all.
Illegal war my arse.
Stupid war – certainly. Unnecessary war – certainly. Illegal war? Bollocks.
Yeah, just like when Serbia kicked off against Bosnia….
oh Hang on, their leaders are being tried for WAR CRIMES aren’t they?
There is rules and laws governing war. Whether you like them or not is immaterial as these laws are incorporated into our NATIONAL law by means of the treaties that this nation has signed on our behalf.
The invasion of Iraq in 2003 did NOT satisfy the existing law for a just war. That the need to invade would be in self-defence and prevent an IMMINENT attack.
Just because other countries have breached the same international law with impunity (Libya, Israel (many times), Iraq, Congo, Sudan, The USA continually, etc) does not mean that the law does not exist.
It is one of the few good laws that the UN should uphold far more stringently and far more often.
100% agree. I’ve had enough of this illegal war stuff – it’s total bollocks. And fuck the UN too, they’re a bunch of clowns.
War can be unjustified or justified, or as you say, stupid or unnecessary. But illegal?. The most that can be expected, legal wise, is victors justice i.e. if we win the losers ( the Nazis, Saddamn etc) get strung up. Yes, individual criminal acts can be committed by the participants but to classify international conflicts as illegal or legal is a red herring.
War is about countries getting their way by military force, not playing silly courtroom games.
“On 24 January 2003, Sir Michael wrote to Mr Straw telling him the “UK cannot lawfully use force in Iraq in ensuring compliance” on the basis of existing UN resolutions, including resolution 1441 which gave Saddam a “final opportunity” to comply in November 2002.
“To use force without Security Council authority would amount to the crime of aggression,” he wrote.
In his reply, also published by the inquiry on Tuesday, Mr Straw said he “noted” Sir Michael’s advice but did “not accept it”.
Assessing what would constitute a legal basis for war, he said: “I am as committed as anyone to international law and its obligations but it is an uncertain field. In this case, the issue is an arguable one, capable of honestly and reasonably held differences of view.”
Mr Straw said he hoped to secure a further UN resolution “for political reasons” but there was a “strong case” that existing resolutions and subsequent Iraqi non-compliance “provide a sufficient basis in international law to justify military action”.
Asked about Mr Straw’s reaction to his letter voicing concerns, Sir Michael said the foreign secretary had told him he was being “dogmatic and international law was pretty vague”.
He said Mr Straw also told him at their meeting that he had “often been advised things were unlawful and gone ahead anyway and won in the courts” when he was home secretary. ”
—————————————————
In that case, the case for going to war in Iraq MUST be held in a war crimes court.
It is my belief that the invasion was a high crime amounting to a crime of aggression against a sovereign state. The supreme crime according the the UN Charter.
It is high time that this was tested in court.
I suppose if you transpose Tony instead of the code word Maya, it all works ok.
How hilarious that you all seem to have read this and commented on it. Touching or what.
and Al, it must be. therefore, equally rib tickling for yourself that you are posting in comment, here. Auto-erotic, even?
Al
no good
TONY DOES IT FIVE TIMES EVERY NIGHT
SOMETIMES MORE
…whether or not she’s got her contraceptive equipment with her…..
I bet Beckett uses a brick wall as a contraceptive device…..
Either that or simply smiles at the unfortunate victim.
Used to be at the National Stud, you know, that Margaret.
What’s this “equipment”?
You only need a condom, fergawdssake.
You obviously missed out on the disgusting revelation from Mrs Bliar when she was at Balmoral at the invitation of Her Maj – she and Teflon were on the job without…
No, I can’t go on, the sick bucket is full to overflowing.
I shall finish the job,Hugh – I am wearing a diving outfit with one of those huge screw on helmets to prevent my vomit from drowning the surrounding countryside;
Quote;
“The first year we had stayed [at Balmoral] I had been extremely disconcerted to discover that everything of mine had been unpacked. Not only my clothes, but the entire contents of my distinctly ancient toilet bag with its range of unmentionables.”
Surely just looking at her is a contraceptive in itself?
Not if you are that idiot Blair
“Yes, yes” moaned Cherie “Show me, show me your toilet bag”.
Tony coyly revealed a smooth black leather shaving kit, fingering the tabe and slowly pulling the brass zip with its throaty groan down, down, until the kit lay open like a red satin butterfly.
Cherie fluttered her eyes, her lips trembling in ecstasy. “I want one. I want one like that, give me one Tony”
“Shall I, shall I take you to visit one of my very good, very generous, friends with a leather goods shop”. Tony teased a tiny silver pot from the kit, unscrewed the lip balm and dipped his finger in to the slithery gloss “If you do something” he smoothed the gloss on to her lips ” If you do something for me…”
Were the two characters aroused by Dr Kelly’s body?
I would imagine that both Al and Tony positively ejaculated upon receiving the news of Dr Kelly’s demise.
Took hours? Couldn’t he get it up then?
He has a big ego, and nothing grows in the shade.
Is there a more vile, talentless, despicable cow’s gash than this loony Campbell?
His lies about the Sovereign nation of Iraq’s weapons were better written than this shyte
Wasn’t it Hermann Goering who had a massive collection of porn?
He managed to escape the noose by swallowing a pill he had hidden up his bottom.
We’ve had Chemical Ali hanged this week – how long will it take for this utter guttersnipe Campbell to be taken to a place of execution and hanged until dead?
God, the queue for the gallows will stretch down to Trafalgar Square;
Straw,Balls x 2,Prescott,Brown,Harman and on and on.
Now THAT is a pleasurable fantasy!
Although I think you underestimate the length of queue for a good spot.
With each day terrible, horrific guilt overwhelms this loony’s carefully constructed fantasy.
The guilt for having participated in the death of Dr Kelly, a man who knew the truth about Campbell’s lies, and the guilt about 100,000 Iraqis killed in this American war of conquest.
Alternatively maybe he’s just turning insane with rage because Blair’s making a fortune out of being a war criminal in America, whereas only the Biased Broadcasting Corp still show any interest in the pill popping loony.
No, it was Richard Dimbleby but they used to call it Erotica in those days. Don’t ask me how I know.
I like a well hung man.
Thanks for this Guido. Makes up for the doom and gloom.
http://www.arrestblair.org/
£6600 already, keep it coming
Lovely idea, but a bit of a fantasy, this bit is in the ‘performing a citizens arrest’section:
“If any police officers are accompanying Mr Blair, you should explain the charge to them, and encourage them to support you by arresting him.
You are advised not to put yourself at risk of charges of assault or false imprisonment. In other words, do not cling onto Blair or attempt to drag him anywhere.”
I think you will find that Tony was a bit ahead on this one and made sure that he has ‘protection’by the trigger happy guys from SO 19 for the rest of his life, these are the guys who will shoot you if you are armed with a table leg so the chances of ever fingering this criminal are about zilch.
I trhink Campbell must be seriously sick to think that anyone would be so crass as to buy this shit……….Hold on a minute, Goido must have……..
“Did you order the Code Red?”
He didn’t write this…..he copy and pasted it from the Net
Another graduate of Liebour edukashun then?
It will be very interesting to watch Blair on Friday after these legal eagles testimony.
Perhaps Brown will ensure a staged terrorist incident or another ratcheting up of the threat to;
“You will all die,it’s just a matter of time”.
I just wish Chilcott had one of those black cloths he could put on his head at the end of Blair’s appearance,ready to pass the sentence of capital punishment.
I reckon Blair is dead meat if he so much as attempts one of his “smiles”,that’s if the war widows don’t manage to pull him apart with their bare hands.
Funny, all I remember is two and a half pumps and he went off.
Hope you got the cash off him first.
And took your tights off.
fuck…thats why my toes were curling…..
How did you know ?
Hang on – if Al used to write for Forum magazine, how on earth did he get to be a Government SpAd?
Jesus, it beggars belief.
Just goes to show what a shower of wankers the Labour Government really are.
Instead of reading Civil Service advice while at their desks, they were busy having a handshandy and dreaming about that night’s activities with their mistress/fluffer/rent boy – all at taxpayers expense.
Looks to me like the dodgy dossier WAS sexed up (literally) – that fool Hutton obviously never read it properly.
Bastards.
The Grinning Chimp could always pick ‘em…which is why we are now in such a God-awful mess.
Nick Robinson has decided to open a new blog on the economy here:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/nickrobinson/2010/01/economy_growing.html
“Economy Growing: No Champagne flowing”
I’m glad Blair believes in Heaven and Hell, because he sure as hell cannot believe he’ll get into Heaven
The cnut was writing porn for Blair for all those years.
Slightly OT.
I watched Elizabeth Wilmshurst giving her evidence at the Chilcot Inquiry. The only person so far who in my opinion walked out of the room with her honour intact.
What about her hymen?
I think with the clique of the Gay Gordons her hymen was safe
That’s debatable but she certainly put a few fucks into Straw and Goldsmith.
Do you mean to say that there is actually one person who worked for this loathesome government who has not been completey corrupted and politicized by them? She will have to be stuffed and mounted in that case, preserved for posterity so that, when the history books are written, I can say that I saw this paragon of virtue rise above bobbing turds in the blocked sewer that is NuLiebour….
This must be Mo Molem he is fantasizing about after he went into the bathroom while she was in the bath
4th sentence in ‘I felt Dizzy’Does he know?
http://dizzythinks.net/
He didn’t say.
WMD-45min
ready to explode-45min
spooky–whats the coincidence in that
WTF next, Lady Hatterslys lover?
The gay as Christmas slobberer takes it up the chuff from a bit of rough .
This country has gone to the wogs
Sorry, dogs
Is it in yet?
Shut your mouth and enjoy you cheeky slut.
OMG – that’s worthy of a Bad Sex Award.
Nice to see you back Plato.
‘It felt better than the best of any fantasy’?!
Where the fuck did garbage like that come from? Sixth form poetry corner?
Told you above ………copy and paste
You’re the expert.
Hour of Pleasure!
Get real man if you had waited your whole life for that moment !
thats how long it would have been “a Moment”
You might have written about alot of sex ,Mr lying bastard Campbell
But you lack experence in the practical department !
Just imagine how it makes me feel. Are they my tits he’s referring to?
http://news.uk.msn.com/uk/articles.aspx?cp-documentid=151891578
this might have been written by Campbell because it’s utterly ridiculous (but, exceptionally, true)
I am no longer shocked at this sort of story. The police appear to be recruiting cretins these days, to enforce cretinous legislation dreamed up by cretins.
At one time the copper concerned here would have had the piss taken mercilessly when he got back to the station and would have been careful not to be so fucking dim in future.
Nowadays it will be congratulations all round on his vigilance in light of the ‘severe’terror threat.
Well their “Dork Hunting” Kit Really Worked !
They Found Four Of The Met’s Finest Dork’s In Seconds !
Do you think when he was writing that behind the bike shed rubbish he dreaming of Cheeeeeeeeerie?
Apparantly she’s goes like a battleship.
Nah she just gives a great tug
shisssh boom
Nah she’s just an old Friggit
Full of thick seamen.
He forgot to mention her thighs were all wooly and her legs were down his wellies and it was fuckin freezing in that field.
The fecking thing shat on him during the vinegar stroke!!
Verbatim?
Spelling mistakes an’all?
Looks like somebody wasn’t concentrating on the job in hand.
Then I indulged myself in the task at hand. I gripped the expensive rifle and gently placed my finger onto the trigger. With a very slight press of the trigger, Blair’s brains fell away and all over his wife’s bodice and waist. It was the first time I had seen her big gobby mouth shut the fuck up. Though there were several highly erotic scenes in ‘The Deer Hunter’Blair had never been shot in the front of the head. Now my bullet was there, a perfect object of so many million peoples’desire, my aim was true and my lips moved down to kiss my trusty weapon. I ran my tongue around my dry lips and watched as the valley of Blair’s throat was ripped open, it was a perfect and clean kill. ‘Kiss me,’ I said to myself impressed at my own shooting skills, and as I did I felt my fellow assassin pat me on the back, then run his hands down my back, up to my shoulders again, I told him to pack it in because I am not that way inclined. As my bullet ended a decade long courtship between Blair and Bush when they had mutually masturbated each other again and again, till they had sucked the life out of the British Army. I grabbed at my belt, opened my trousers, then forced them to the floor and had a good hard wank to celebrate my successful assassination of the war criminal. My hands fell away from my penis but I wanted them back there but I knew I would have to have a five minute breather and a glass of water first. I raised my self up so that I could get a better view of my work and take some photos of Blair’s brains splattered all over the tarmac below and I got excited again and I touched my nipples once more, than I moved down to kiss them but couldn’t reach. As I looked below at my dead target I saw Cherie Blair grab her dead husband’s hair, she tugged it hard and the top of his skull came off in her hand and she began to emit little gasps, momentary bursts of sounds that said to me I had done a fucking good job. Payment for my work was now my sole ambition. Cherie Blair brought her mouth back to Tony’s, then tugged on his shoulders and she was lying on top of him, the outside of her thighs touching the inside of his trying desperately to give him the kiss of life by I knew she was wasting her fucking time as the c’unt was as dead as a Dodo.
Then I packed my kit up and left the scene of the assassation and visited a high class prostitute to celebrate my succesful kill. I felt her calves on mine as she locked her legs around me, our tongues danced around each other once more, and she was wriggling beneath me, her hands on my hips, then she was pulling me towards her, directing me to everything I had ever hoped for. I thought the walls were going to fall down as we stroked and screamed our way through hours of pleasure to the union for which my whole life had been a preparation. I fucked her until sparks came out the bitch’s arse. It was worth every penny of the 10 grand I gave the whore”
Hahahahahaha. Class.
Your fiction sounds chillingly more like fact/future than Mr Campbell’s Ode by a talentless cretin.
The mere thought that this was written by Alistair Campbell puts me right off!
Peeee-uuuuke!
“as he stood in front of her he whipped out his WMD (Withered Miniscule Dick)
Right Baby ,you have 45 Seconds before i explode all over your” Blairy Bush”
Blimey, Mills and Boon are getting raunchy these days, no wonder Campbell’s crap novels crash, he’s still in the cupping a bosom stage (but only on paper, he is not a romantic in real life).
And he was into Saddamy.
I’ve always thought Campbell was just a big girl’s blouse. His pathetic writing here is about as erotic as a last night’s pavement vomit. Indeed perhaps somebody had just read it and that was their reaction.
Did Campbell get paid for that?
Has to be among the front-runners for ‘worst sex scene of the year.’
He probably had to pay Maya. Hope she surcharged him.
That’s so bad they may never run the competition again.
The very sad thing is that poor Al thinks he can give anyone hours of pleasure – even in fiction
Guido, I don’t want to be rude, but at a time when the economy is teetering at the edge of recession, Chilcott is discovering all sorts, MPs are still troughing merrily and the nation is going to hell in a handcart, why do you have to resort to posting this rubbish?
I posted a couple of days ago that bribery with much fine gold would not persuade me to read Campbell’s book ‘The Blair Years’. I now extend that to cover anything written by Campbell. For life.
It;s ripe for serialisation in the People’s Friend.
Ripe indeed, what with the election coming up and everything, we have got teams looking through old tapes of the Margaret Thatcher years, anything showing scenes of rioting, confrontation will do, got to remind previous generations of the Witch. The Peoples Friend is the BBC
The Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBCThe Peoples Friend is the BBC.
Can anyone describe when it is a good time to start a civil war?
Talking isn’t working, legitimate routes are not working, Nulabour are not listerning
Never has there been a better time – 5 million unemployed for a start, they will make good front lines
we still have an illegal, irrepresentative, corrupt, idiotic, unelected, fraudulant, incompetent, lethal dictator in power
We need to get these fucking loafing socialist Huhnes up against a wall and give them some lead wasps to chew on.
I think I’m going to be sick.
Once again he is telling us what HE thinks we want to hear – one thing though – this seems to be aimed at women – Don’t be drawn in girls- methinks his actual real life foreplay would be along the lines of.
“Brace yourself Maya”
Dont you mean ” brace yourself Mandy, yo arse is lookin good”
Mnady gets enough pleasure when he wipes his arse.
Glenn Beck is a Mormon crackpot. Do we REALLY need one of those?
Eeeewwwww – bleugh.
He really needs to get out more.
I never had Campbell as someone who liked ladies !
More of a Snerd Who Sniff’s Little Girls Bike seats
Well, I suppose the betting markets for the ‘Bad Sex in Fiction’prize will have to be suspended after this, er, ‘revelation’…
Has this been released deliberately timed to distract our attention from Wilmshurst shafting Straw ???
Now that really is a good tale of someone being royally fucked…
Eeeeuuuggghhhwwww!
So it turns out he never was that good at writing fiction. Quelle suprise.
He’s used to handling soft tits as he showed at the Chilcot Enquiry and his soft porn writing in general is reflective of the man, that of a complete wanker.
+1 vote for bad sex writer of the year competition!
Sounds like a man with little sexual imagination or experience.
Maybe that explains the temper tantrums.
You can check the previous winners. He’s not even good enough to be baaad.
Pure literary viagra.
Verrry impressive.
It’s not as if he had actually written from experience is it?
Definitely a breast man. Personally I’ve always been a wallet man myself…
Not as good as Eric Blair who wrote “And he laid her down amongst the soft bluebells” in his novel “1984″.
Ampers
Georgie was more of a theory man. Bluebells are prickly.
Come over to my blog to order your copy of this great new novel.
I will sell any shit to make a buck.
I imagine the story continued along the lines of the Rocky Horror Picture Show; Alistair finally pulls Tony’s wig off, and shouts “YOU!”
Surely you mean the Rocking Horse Pumping Show?
In previous posts I referred to the manic depressive, alcoholic, bully boy Campbell as a ‘retired’pornographer.
The pill popping, mendacious narcissist may be retired but he is not a pornographer. His drivel is as exciting as last night’s pavement vomit. Stick to dodgy dossiers you sad old man.
You had a few typos in there towards the end Guido – must be hard to type with one hand.
You clearly made this up as no self-respecting person would turn-out such a toe-curlingly embarrassing titbit of school-boy text; how you thought that your readership would fall for this as output from one of THE political forces of the last twenty years, I just don’t know!
No matter what you think of Campbell, this defamation of character is totally uncalled for (and can we have more please)?!
I thought it was quite good at the start – then fell to pieces a bit in the middle, and finally dragged on waaay too long.
… bit like this Labour govt then really.
Love to all from my blissfull new life in Australia
One things for sure about bad Al, he’ll soil his underwear when he reads this:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/8481791.stm
He didn’t leave a tip when he left. Twat!
To have written that crap, he must have been very hard up. What a sad sod.
Even sadder than Prezza with his little chipolata on Tracey.
Jackie Smith’s husband pre-ordered the book together with five boxes of kleenex and a bottle of carpet cleaner.
Isn’t it out on video yet then?
Great news – Campbell’s beloved Burnley lost to Bolton Wanderers tonight. The stupid sod will be in a foul mood tomorrow, I doubt whether he’ll be writing any vomit inducing, juvenile sex scenes for some time.
[...] with its strange mix of blandness and cunning from the panel, most of the ministers, plus “Bad Al” Campbell, as Guido likes to call him, have seemed evasive and essentially minor figures. When you [...]
He forgot to mention her thighs were all woolly and her legs were down his wellies and it was fuckin freezing in that field.
Sheep, yup?
Ali, yep
Sheep,u shure?
he can’t stop lying even while he’s doing it ‘…..I was lying on top of her…..’
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