Friday Caption Contest (UKIP Burka Banning Edition)
EU Tries to Ban Conker Trading | Telegraph
Coked-Up Celebs and Vengeful Politicians | Press Gazette
What We Don’t Know About the Woolwich Attack | Dan Hodges
Woolwich Terrorists Were Al-Qaeda’s Children | Jeremy Havardi
Is Interpol Helping the Villains? | Peter Oborne
Transcript of Terrorist’s Speech | Times
Dave Should Promote Sarah Wollaston to Inner Circle | Staggers
MPs Hate Chuka | Total Politics
This Was Out of Al-Qaeda’s Terror Manual | Con Coughlin
Mum Talked Down Woolwich Terrorists | Telegraph
How the Tories Can Win in 2015 | Harry Phibbs
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Nigel Farage hits the nail on the head:
“This olive oil ban was virgin on the ridiculous.”
Bill Quango MP says:
Ned Flanders – Clegg
Lisa Simpson – Natalie Bennett
Milhouse – Hilary Benn
Martin Prince – Andy Burnham
Edna Krabappel – Luciana Berger
Crazy Cat Lady – Glenda jackson
Comic book guy – John Prescott
Carl – Chucka
Lenny – Philip Hammond
Willie – Eric joyce
Poochie – Gordon Brown
Reverend Lovejoy – Tony Blair
“You can’t win…. If you strike me down, I shall become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
Brilliant.
Dave covers up his tarnished one man brand and seeks advice from UKIP.
Prince Harry attends Press Complaints after his latest faux pas.
Emily, you look so fetching in that outfit:
Seconded. Surely the winner
The more i see young Miss Emily Nomates
the more she does it for me !
although sometimes she looks butch ,
I think i still would even in that Burka
even if she is a lesbian I’d still give a weeks wages just to watch !
I do apologise madam. My wife’s cooking always gives me gas.
No welfare, no problem.
Unfortunately you are the wrong colour to be a Royal Mail post box -
“I find your lack of faith disturb… no, in actual fact, I find your faith bloody disturbing”
Some old guy being refused entry to Britain by UK Border agency ?
Fatwa is that you?
Brilliant and easily spotted by all w.hite travellers who have to put up with the surly f.uckers and their rac.ist attitute, plane load from Zim, certainly sir and madame pass on through, ageing white from Surbiton, then join that f.ucking snaky queue that goes round and round the arrivals.
U mean EU Boarder Agency… You traitor fuck !
Is that ‘cos I’m in black?
Marley, is that you?
Who the fuck are you, are you really that fucking ugly
I am sorry Madamoiselle, but my hands are tied. Mr Kipling says EU regulations dictate that you have to wear such an outfit to make French Fancies.
“Yes, I am. Can I borrow your niqāb?”
Although I’m not a racist socialist like Griffin, I do agree with most of what he just said their. The wars in the middle east have NOTHING to do with our national security but serve mainy the war profiteers and special interests. We ought to mind our own business, pursue a humble foreign policy and not be so arrogant as to police the world.
The Emperors Royal Guard changes outfir colour from Crimson to Black to mourn the passing of the Sith.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emperor%27s_Royal_Guard
So what drew you to a career as a ninja?
i don’t get it.
That’s because you are a fake.
Fucking hell. Tat is on as a fake tat spotter. This place just gets more surreal by the day…..
You are suffering from paranoia.
So, you want to be a Rabbi?
LOL!
PMSL
clearly coincidental.
Counterfeit TaT.
Fake tat spotter spotted.
Paranoid Fake TaT Spotter Spotter Spotted.
Do you want to call a truce, this is getting ridiculous.
Yeah. It is getting a bit daft isn’t it? Let’s call it a day. All the best.
I am not a big fan of your Sharia law. When I was flipping houses in the Yemen, they cut off my left arm. Look!
Pah, your Jedi mind tricks will not work on me!
You are Hazel Blears and I claim my five pounds.
Fuck me Polly, thats a bit much.
Not enough – can still see her mad eyes
You do realise that to be a snoop for the DHSS you will have to peep through peoples letter boxes
What the fuck do you thing i’ve been doing in here for the last thirty years ?
Look into my eyes. Not around the eyes. Into the eyes.
As he play pocket billiards he’s saying…. “you have such lovely eyes James.”
Good that you’re wearing our recommended work apparel for women sharing a room with Lembit.
“I would have thought it obvious why Lembit was chatting up the blonde and brunette girls in the social and not you”
I thought the SAS just blank out the eyes
worst caption comment ever. try again cripple.
Fake TaT.
No, our proposed ban does not apply to ninjas.
Damn. Beat me to it.
Tell you what………Do you know how to sing Doh, Ray Me?
Do you find men always look at your tits when talking to you?
You look strangely familiar, have we met before?
So that’s the list of benefits available. Have you got a house yet?
Crap
TRUE!
No,sadly only too true.
Very good. That should make Labourlist.
The wankers.
Wooooooooo ! Wooooooooo !
What? You can’t shake my hand because the Taliban chopped it off?
Best move you’ve made Harriet, you really are one ugly fucking bitch.
Winner!
Lower the eye slot to the mouth and I might be interested.
show me your fanny fannie, show me that fucking growler!
We don’t really need to hilight that comment is a fake one.
Self evidently counterfeit.
Thats not what I meant by a cover up
I’m your friendly Burkkogram
“I’ve got to hand it to you Geert, I didn’t think this ‘disguise’ lark was going to pan out, but here you are, in one piece!”
Do you pray to a false god? You disgusting muslim whore, i’d sooner screw my dead mother than engage with you….ugh!!!
Money’s on the side love, same time next week for the wednesday wank?
“So I suppose a fuck’s out of the question ?”
so what’s the question? now that the expetive is removed.
“Is there not a slot for that too?, shame”
“U-KIP if you want to, the lady’s not for burning..”
“Ticket for the Geert Wilders bash ? That’ll be £ 10 please..”
‘now if you make a ‘donation’ to gordon’s slush fund, we’ll always protect your privacy from guido fawkes.’
Does my bigotry look big in this?
I didn’t know it was fancy dress! Why have you dressed up as a postbox? I thought they were red.
How do you get to do blowjobs?
At least there’s built-in protection!
“Well, at least we can agree on the issue of lesbian adoption !”
Look, you can’t chew bubble gum in here.
Look Gordon, there was no mention in your statement, about appearing before the commission incognito.
I can’t see your face, as you’re sitting with your back to the window
Good.
“Look, Iain, I know you’ve brought some interesting ideas from the Tory Party on a secret General Election deal, but I’m not really interested at the moment..”
….and the house has been refurbished to Parliamentary standards.
“Of course we can forgive you for your past as a Tory PPC Mr Dale, but I’m sorry you will have to drop the burqa, even if it does cover up your terrifying TV ties..”
I’m a man really, but no busted would dare touch ME up!
So, the guys get 72 virgins, what do you get, Warren Beaty ?
Well done Nigel I’m sure no one will recognise you. Now go out on the streets and frighten the natives.
“There has been a misunderstanding. I was talking about Nigel Farage. I said I wanted to ‘Ban the BURKE’..”
I like the cut of you jihad
so barak what were you saying about the banks
I’ll bet underneath all that black, there’s a saucy little minx just waiting to get out.
Look, iz it because you iz ugly !
Do those outfits come in leather? I know a lady who might be interested.
You realise Mr Pearson that I’m naked under this
No darling, you mis-understood my meaning of the word stoned
Wipe your arse with this hand if you want to but it won’t make you British.
“Eye Spy with my Parliament Eye, something beginning with… B.. “
Jacqui, I’m sure that you can go back to your second residence now, none of your constituents will recognise you!
So this is the new government scheme to prevent global warming.
They call it the mobile draft excluder
Guido – Will you come and visit us in prison if we make a reference to this scene taking place in the Business Class lounge of an airport ?
Oops – too late…
Now let me get this straight, Sally, you want to repudiate your past life and emphasise who you’re married to – wouldn’t it be easier to give an exclusive interview?
girl: “keep on taking the fivers, three times a day until this Parliament runs its course.”
Sorry; I told my butler I wanted a meeting with Bercow.
I bet it makes you squint if you blow a few trumps out in that get up
still from ‘debbie does westminster’.
BANG!
Look, if you’re going to show up dressed like that you could have saved us both a lot of hassle by just phoning.
“Batman, Gotham city needs your help!”
“How much for a the hand and how much for full sex?”
“We will look after your kind”
“No lets go through the plan again. We let you in. You make loads of babies. Then we shall rule the world”
OT
@SallyBercow Welcome to Twitter. Come to our gen elec launch party in Camberwell and Peckham. Peter Mandleson is celeb guest -we hope!
http://twitter.com/HarrietHarman/status/8069421228
Does this mean that gordon has called the election and Harriet has given the game away?
Probably a reflection of the ‘jokey’ content on Bercow’s twitter site..
Unlikely that Mandelson would be Harpie’s biggest cheerleader, but maybe they will all kiss and make up for the campaign ?
It might have been thought that by now Harman, or whoever wrote this crap, would have been aware how to spell Mandelson.
Interesting that Harriet fails the spelling test of Lord Mandy’s surname.
No Mrs Khan, I’m afraid Fatima cannot have a swimming lesson of her own.
I’ve checked the references from Baroness Scotland, you’ve got the job.
So you’re here to report the theft of your sunglasses?
“I’m Sorry Miss Burqua, you seem to have evaded immigration and found yourself in the wrong country, now fuck off”.
“Sorry, but you will have to use my address in the constituency to serve the fatwa..”
Bring out the Gimp
Gimp’s sleeping bubba
hug a hoody
Berk and burka
“Gordon, I know you want to get close enough to Obama for a photo op, but you won’t get near him dressed like that. Even if you did, who’s going to know it’s you in the photo?”
There is a fine veil between what is funny and what is racist.
Look. I’m sorry, but if you must go around dressed like that and then stand on street corners in the dark, people are bound to shove letters into your face.
Royal mail Unveil there new Muslim friendly letter box ?
Yes, your bomb does look big in that.
She’s singing “I Only Have Eyes For You !
Darling, It may be the height of fashion in Hounslow BUT it would not be right for the wife of the Tory candidate to be seen wearing that!
yes i can tell by your passport photo ,That definitely is you !
Answer found to the great Cherie Blair problem
Are you Bin laden ?
No im Bin liner !
“Can you start Monday 9:00 am? By the way Mecca is that way…”
“Does my bum look big in this?”
“Nol, but your bomb does”
We will Exterminate ! We will Exterminate !
Pensioner pleads with DHSS employee for his extra heating allowance.
I agree, it’s just not fair when your husband gets to wear brown plastic slip-ons and chunky nylon cardigans
I’ll see your five and raise you ten!
And tonight Mathew I’m going to be Shirley Bassey !
No, no Mrs Jones. I said make your way to the interview in a MINI CAB!
Excellent, DR!
Thank you sir.
So, ma’am, you really think I would finally be able to pull if I dressed like that? Well I suppose it is worth a shot.
Look, even despite this personal visit to explain things…
You’re still too stupid to understand how, ‘ You’ve Been Cromwelled ‘ works!!! :-/
Normally it is me that has to cover my face in order to be able to get to speak to a woman.
If you will go will you send back,
a letter from the Taliban
So, Mrs Choudhry, to recap, you say your husband is a load-mouthed, gob-shite dolie who sits around the house all day doing nothing but watching Jeremy Kyle and Countdown and you want a divorce…
So, tell me dear, do you keep your curtains tied open with a tasseled sash?
No, she has a full Brazilian wax.
Man is saying “Well Prime Minister you do have reputation for wanting to disappear when there are problems, but surely the polls are not that bad”.
No comment
well you had me fooled,but the i’m just a regular guy,gave you away!
Not seeing you is actually more of a turn on. Look I can rub one out with my left hand as we speak.
UKIP vote on the terms of Nikki Sinclaire’s re-admittance to party meetings passed unanimously
Excellent, this is a really good way to get my bum-boy in undetected.
Man;
“Look – I paid for a gang bang and now you are telling me it’s off? ”
Burkha Lady;
“Yes – but the sticks of dynamite round my waist will go off and make a really big bang”.
Pulls cord.
Screen goes blank.
….and when I take my glasses orf you can see my shining face in its full glory.
So it’s agreed. You’ll work for the Freedom Association with Anjem Choudary and co. Welcome aboard. Boy, this right-wing populism gets me horny, fancy a drink?
Pensioner stopped by Airport Security tries to convince HM immigration he is not a terrorist.
Well, that’s all for now. We’ll work on next week’s speech tomorrow Gordon.
This is the Hashish department. You want the Baksheesh department.
Just down the hall there…
So Mrs Bin Laden, how much do you want in benefits and w’ell need 2 photo’s for your British passport, and of course 2 for Osama. We will of course guarantee his Human Rights and he’s free to arrange suicide bombers and bombings, but do tell him that Westminster and the environs of Parliament are a no-no. As for his team we will of course look favourable upon their applications.
Super, welcome to Britain.
Is there a flap at the back?
So all you have to do is hide the Tory votes, and we can forget all about postal voting
I am the victim here. I am a lecherous old man and if you cover yourself up I will not be able to leer at you properly.
What about my rights?
How many postal vote applications?
Goodness, 23a, Nelson Mandella Avenue must be an awfully big house.
Excellent wheeze dad, the redcaps won’t have a clue
Can’t you put a paper bag or something over your head you ugly bastard?
Can you tell us what sort of qualities you think you would be able to bring to the Job Mr Pearson?
So thats the interview complete. Well done. Even though you have no qualifications, can’t speak English and have a dubious residency status the fact you are a woman and a member of an ethnic minority gives you the right to a job in the public sector. Would the Home Office do? £30K a year plus pension, 4 months off fully paid and a no sacking clause? Excellent. Well, lets shake on it. Perhaps you could ask your husband Mr Choudray if he would like to be interviewed next.
No sack, except what you are wearing!
“About those droids you sold me…”
Brilliant – liked yours better than number 1
Good one
1st Class.
I’m sorry. We don’t have any openings for Lady Daleks!
So Sally Bercow it’s great you have joined the team,
Man;
“Look – I paid for a gang bang and now you are telling me it’s off? ”
Burka Lady;
“Yes – but the sticks of dynamite round my waist will go off and make a really big bang”.
Pulls cord.
Screen goes blank.
Ban religion while you’re at it. France leads the way!
funny that. They still all want holidays for when jesus or his mum flew up into the sky (*) or whatever.
(* sfx : swanee whistle).
SAVES THEM HAVING TO FIND MILITARY VICTORIES TO COMMEMORATE, OBNOB
flying mum day coincides with VJ day. They have official holidays for VE day, and the end of WW1.
British people don’t get any of those as hols of course.
Do you think we’ll get a bank holiday for the end of the iraq war? (1st May 2003 was “Mission Accomplished” day).
I’m not sure that a Lawrence of Arabia theme park would have quite the appeal to British youth as you appear to believe. However if you want to borrow a billion quid to buy a Premiership football club then I’m sure we here at RBS can make that happen for you.
Ok, Obama, if you get kidnapped in Iraq, make the special “rescue me” sign with your right hand.
Durka! Durka! Durka!
And then Team America: World Police will rescue you.
“The beauty of man lies in the eloquence of his tongue”.
Let me have a rummage in my pocket. I’m sure I can spare a tenner for the Anjem Choudary Benefits Concert.
Mail or female?
You got it all wrong love. Fraternity and all that shit only applies to white French people.
If I twist my knackers like this they turn purple. Go on take a look…
“Nigel, is that you in there?”
Okay, so it’s fifty quid a gig, cash in hand.
You go into the pub, as soon as the landlord sees you then you’ll hear the music start and when it gets to ‘I’m going out to dinner with a gorgeous little singer…’ then you do your thing.
Anything you do after that is between you and the client.
Gordon,
If you want to join us that’s fine. Why the secrecy?
I see, you won’t be the Scottish Widow until next thursday.
just……fuck off
How did you know it was me?
Sorry Harriet, the court of public opinion demands that you keep it on.
“It is I, Leclerc”
are you sure its not Herr Flick of the Gestapo in disguise?
Quality!
.. its not the Madonna with the fallen boobies……
or even the fallen Madonna with the big boobies……
Here at Peppermint Rhino we expect staff to work Fridays – it’s our busiest day.
If we ban kippars as well, will you take your togs off?
“So, Miss Hussain,you’ve come about the job. Have you any previous experience as a piece of window-dressing?”
Indeed, I was selected as a candidate by David Cameron.
There’s this stuff called deodorant……………….
Sorry but the CIA said if we didn’t ban your outfits in France they would pay Alqaeda to bomb our embassies and blame it on French Muslims.
Yes, they are sneaky duplicitious bastards, aren’t they?
I am sorry you cannot join UKIP. We have only just got rid of a 7 foot lesbian.
and a small transvestite who pretended to be our leader.
What makes you think that you really could be my other curtain?
Do you have a sister?
Have you any idea just how ridiculous you look in that crazy outfit? Seriously? Waistcoats are so old fashioned!
Farage dresses up to make Nikki feel more welcome in the EDF group
Iris, I’m sorry, we’re all over 60 here…
Bank manager: ”Do you have a slit with 2 holes in the lower half?”
Muslim Ladyboy: ”I’m going to shoot, infidel”.
It’s very simple. If you don’t remove your kit you can’t be in Asian Babes
Darling – this really is unnecessary – getting dressed-up like this!
You could have emailed me the shopping list!
Lift up that hood and place your beard in my right hand
……. and what do you do for an encore?
Harry Cohen completes course “How to become anonymous”
Labour and Tories agree burkas are a good idea after considering the cases of Crazy Horse Beckett and Ann (the man) Milton.
Actually – I asked for Mrs Bercow to be shown in!
Good to see you again.
It is you, isn’t it?
I’m not a muslim, I just wear it to wind up sexist old farts like you!
Shadow Cabinet smuggle Natalie Rowe into meeting.
Allah be see’in Yah !
“Is anything worn under the Niqab?”
“No, its all in perfect working order you saucy old infidel”
Burk
a me
or give me a job
……….. so you’ve tied your camel to a parking meter have you?
……….. didn’t duffle coats go out of fashion some time ago?
“….tell me about it, if that wasn’t a penalty! Some times I think the refs are watching a different game.”
Berk and Burka.
Just like that!
Somebody already said it.
Not like me to copy jokes is it? Ask Max Miller. AHA!
…….. so decided to go to the MI5 fancy dress party as ………..
Sorry, love, halloween’s not for another 10 months
put that past me again – you’ve stolen what from the Post Office and your hiding in here?
Yes sir, the sizes come in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large for the big egod types.
look love, I can see where you are coming from but I really am not sure whether the pubs and clubs are ready for your particular Alexandra Burka tribute act
“Ok, when does the celebrating bit start?”
The new better looking Jacqui Smith
“I need to hire a halal stripper for a stag do……….”
In olden days a glimpse of stocking
Was looked on as something shocking,
But now, Allan knows,
Anything Goes.
Good authors too who once knew better words,
Now only use four letter words
Writing prose, Anything Goes.
The world has gone mad today
And good’s bad today,
And black’s good today,
And day’s night today,
When most guys today
That women prize today
Are just silly gigolos
And though I’m not a great romancer
I know that I’m bound to answer
When you propose, cutting my penis off
Anything goes
When grandmama whose age is eighty
In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo’s,
Anything Goes.
When mothers pack and leave poor father
Because they decide they’d rather be tennis pros,
Anything Goes.
If driving fast cars you like,
If low bars you like,
If old hymns you like,
If bare limbs you like,
If Mae West you like
Or me undressed you like,
Why, nobody will oppose!
When every night,
The set that’s smart
Is intruding in nudist parties in studios,
Anything Goes.
Pearson showing his liberal roots
You look so different in Western clothing EL Orance, my camel is double parked on Kensington high street.
How do you solve a problem like Sharia?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?
(With apologies to the nuns in The Sound of Music)
Right you are Madam,stop me if you’ve heard this one before
3 anxious new fathers arrived in the maternity ward to see their newly born babies only to discover the babies had been mixed up, one was German, one Jewish and the other was Irish, nobody could tell the difference, so the German shouted “Zeik Hail”, the German baby sat up with it’s arm out, the Jewish baby shit itself and the Irish baby shovelled it up!!
Stop There !
Gordon employs that go anywhere diguise favoured by male terrorists to see if he can find out what makes UKIP tick.
It could be worse you could be wearing a 1980′s shell suit with a Liverpool shirt on underneath. How embarrassing would that be!
Alright calm down calm down
Liek the star wars ones best.
I’ll tell you what though; the Diversity and Equality Kops are not going to like Guido’s at all after this…
You are all fucking nicked.
Council Housing Official : The Sand People are easily frightened… Just wave your arms.
Tenant: But they will be back. And in greater numbers..
If you look at me without it you’d be Stoned !
If i look at you without it i’d have to be Stoned !
Up in Cumbria they just made walls out of all their spare stones. But Islam had to go the extra fucking mile eh?
No, no, no. You hve the wrong end of the stick, it’s Bercow we want to ban not the berkha.
I like!
So Mrs Griffin
how do you rate your husbands chances in the general election ?
Barry’s got it right then (on the bankers). Conservitude policy is that it’s ok so long as the rest of the world controls them first. Feckwits.
Brown’s policy: Do nowt.
Bankers are as serious a threat as Alky Ada, the bastards.
Give the money back!
What do you mean you’ve gone commando?
You look just like your photo on the Muslim Brides website!
No refunds given after the point of Burka lift off!
Asian babe’s reveal their Miss January Pin Up !
I forgot to add :
Imagin Knocking One Out Over That ?
its like this chick…
Come on darling – Get your ears out for the lads
As a lawyer who specialises in these cases, the chance of you being picked out in the identity parade is 5/1.
Sharia, Sharia, Sharia, Sharia
Sharia Khan let me blow up
Let me blow up – blow up you
Sharia Khan let me blow up,
Shahid’s all I wanna do
Lord Pearson struggled to make voice activated floor light switch itself on though he did admire the lampshade.
Of course you can have a passport,but you must promise to vote Labour.
I see, and after Cheltenham Ladies College?
Have you heard the one about the cleric, the jar of cook-in sauce and the pork sausage?
yes but how did he ever get that off there ?
” Sorry, we can only arrange 35 virgins ! “
Some people call them players
But I’m far from terrified
Cos somehow I’m drawn to danger
And have been all of my life
It feels my heart’s divided
Half way ‘tween wrong and right
I know I’m playing with chemicals
But I don’t know why
Yeah the bad boys are always catching my eye
(Ooh Way, Ooh Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)
I said the bad boys are always spinning my mind
(Ooh Way, Ooh Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)
Even though I know they’re no good for me
It’s the risk I take for the chemistry set
With the bad boys always catching my eye
(Ooh Way, Ooh Way, Ooh Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)
Oooooh, bad boys
Hello Gordon.
Chasing the Islamic vote are we?
Not a lot of people know this
Lionel Richie has officially announced today that he is turning to the Muslim faith…
To celebrate, he is releasing a new song entitled: ‘Halal, is it meat your looking for?’
Gordon Brown: “How on earth can I possibly divert attention away from my slush fund investigation?”
Jack Straw: “Offer to go in front of the Iraq Inquiry before the General Election”
Gordon Brown “Dear Sir John (smirk)…”
But Damian, now you’re back at the BBC you don’t need your disguise any more.
I can’t believe it Mr Pearson! I’ve just won 50P!!!!!!!!!!!
Sister Wendy, I love the new outfit.
“Is it because I is in black ?”
“Look I don’t have a problem with you people…. some of my best friends are ninjas.”
Cunning plan by Damian McBride to discredit the Guido Fawkes blog prior to the General Election comes to fruition…
Hmmmmmm I use Gillette Mach3 for a good close shave !
Grovelling backbench MP to McMental on his latest wheeze for winning the election
“Thats fantastic Gordon. There’s no doubt it’ll secure a massive victory for Labour
er , did you say we all have to wear them? “
This is how it works in Vichy France, you cannot be told what to wear by muslim men but you can be told what to wear by French Republican men, clear?
Prat!
Do you by any chance have the expression “Burkha Up” in your language?
Thank you for coming in! I now have an idea of how the Lone Ranger would look like in a negative photograph. How’s Tonto by the way?
nice of you to ask very well thanks..still rogering trigger in between gigs
How did you know it was me?
I’m left handed
‘ Look,I’m NOT paying £50 extra for GFE!’
I think that most of the comments are an utter disgrace——– but I like them
I went on an all-paid fact-finding tour – and all I got was this Burkkha
Job applicant to manager of Folies Bergeres
“Look, just tell me straight, have I got the job or not?”
Look Gordon, you really are going to have to go out and meet some real members of the electorate.
At the Metropolitan Police college in Hendon recruits are taught the new greeting.
In days of old the Constable would greet everyone and everything with Hello,Hello Hello what do we have here?
Nowadays it is Halal,Halal,Halal what do we have here?
Look, frankly, this “Fathers For Justice” campaign is a bit lame now.
Virgin scout, working for the official virgin aloting department within the ministry for Jihnad, being advised to steer clear of Essex.
I know this is going to sound a bit racist but I feel morally obliged to tell you anyway.
I fucking hate the French
That’s the Nelson spirit!
Yes, we need a little more of the Nelson spirit these days. For instance how do you think Nelson would deal with Somali pirates I wonder? Would he be afraid to intevene lest he fall foul of some damnable human rights shennanigans?
No! A broadside from the twelve punders and boarders away I imagine! Jack Tar would dish out swift justice with their cutlasses and those that survived/surrendered would be given a swift court martial and hung from the yardarm within the hour as brigands they are.
I say, a court martial? Isn’t that a bit over the top? Can’t we just forget the formalities and string ‘em up?
The feeling’s mutual you ros beef b*astard.
The Thing: How much will you sponsor me to burn my burkkah?
Pearson: I’ll pay you five hundred as long as you stay in it!
Ok Gordon I’ll give you that the eye patch helps but underpants on the outside really won’t help you look like Superman…more Superburk
Drat, I knew I should have invested in one of those buzzing blue light thingies that you find in bakers shops.
Insect O’Cuter (I know cos he used to run a pub in Ireland)
!!!!!That’s the one, where can I get it.
Are there really 20,000 of you, or just the one?
You were so vague on expenses they’ve redacted you?
I give up, who are you
But have you thought this breast implantation through?
I know it sounds obvious but it’s the best way to conceal the pants.
Tell me Mr Jones:
How are you getting on at terrorism school, I see you have the uniform already.
my name’s Smith stupid
Get your face out !
Get your face out !
Get your face out for the lads !
Get your fa-ce out for the lads !
All this brou-ha could easily be settled.
1. No banning of any wearing apparel.
2. All official forms which require a photograph, such as passports and driving licence to have the same rules. Either everyone has to be allowed to hide their face on the photographs, or nobody can do so.
3. If a member of the public doesn’t agree with the rules, they don’t get a driving licence or a British passport.
If they then have one of those documents, and refuse to bear their face to a Policemen or official, we would have insist they do this but, on top of whatever offence they have committed, refusing to bear your face when asked would mean an extra £1,000 fine – minimum (I will be fair – it could be reduced to £500 if paid within 14 days).
Ampers who believes in the same laws for all.
There are some real vintage captions on here already , Guido
Let’s see how many of them migrate to other media. We know who invented them all first.
Yes, I can understand why Specsavers have a problem. You have no ears
No Mrs Moran I do not think you stand a better chance of getting re-elected in Luton by canvassing in a burkha.
Baroness Scotland in disguise, tries to get a job as a cleaner as she’s crap at law!
What the F.uck is that!
Yes I know, but you can’t equate it with a folded white handkerchief in a top pocket
Piers Morgan in deep cover as he researches for his latest programme ‘Piers Morgan in UKIP’
Piers Morgan takes it up the bum
With that image you’ve just ruined some jolly good tv.
Look, I’m the doctor. There’s only one way of finding out whether you can become one of the 70 virgins.
You have a cold? I know it’s difficult but in England we blow our noses.
Let me explain Mrs Khan: we simply have NO female Gynecologists!
Have you tried Persil?
Oops not intended as a reply
Well, maybe I didn’t make myself completely clear: when I said “cat-suit” I meant somthing a little less… er… loose.
Mum, take it off. You’re fooling no one..
My dear, my dear, I fully understand that it’s a novel way of re-cycling your own CO2 but we simply cannot make it law yet for everyone to wear one of those contraptions!
Well let’s first look at things from the bright side. Number One… you’re not in France…..
Are you ” Anonymous” from order-order?
No dear, I really can’t imagine why the Dragons turned down your Portable Rock Festival Tent.
“I am trying to tellings you that Islams is peace! We wants peace! And if you don’t agreeings with us, we will blows you up!”
Behead those who say islam is violent
“I’m sorry but the auditions to play Batman have now ended.”
I fully sympathise, scoring zero minus in your British Citizenship test could look bad but it really need not hold you back, I will speak personally to the Home Office, they should be able to give you a job, oh and a passport too. Role up, role up, to the grand British multicultural experiment.
Good Moaning!!
So you say, but Ronnie Corbett could well be under there
“Is it coz I is a fundamentalist fanatic?”
“Why CAN’T I work in an operating theatre dressed like this? And why should I have to operate on men anyway?”
It will not be too stressful, you just have to cut off that wrinkly bit of skin at the end.
Out of the way Pearson!, can I have you phone number darling.
Sounds like Lembit needs grammar lessons from Sven
“Does your husband make you wear that?”
“Only when he can’t find my collar and lead.”
“I’m wearing La Senza lingerie underneath this”
You can be stoned to death for that one, no islamic cross dressing, even under a burka.
As far as I am aware they are not presently looking for a replacement for The Stig.
So you may as well go home to your Dump!
‘And when you get into No10, his office is on the first floor. Don’t scream “Allahu akbar” and pull the cord till you’re near enough to smell the prime ministerial halitosis.’
Julie, when I said we should try role play, I was thinking more along the lines of air hostess or Nurse.
Yes, Lord Pearson, I take your point about Superman. But if I wear my pants on the outside they will spot the explosives.
Here’s my sifting of the most disgraceful and downright, in the absence of any official adjudication:
Constantly Furious:
“You can’t win…. If you strike me down, I shall become more
powerful than you can possibly imagine.”
Archer Karcher:
Fatwa is that you?
Bingo Wings:
Is that ‘cos I’m in black?
Bill Quango MP:
So, you want to be a Rabbi?
Max the Impaler:
Fuck me Polly, thats a bit much
jgm2:
Look into my eyes. Not around the eyes. Into the eyes.
Dry Martini:
Do you find men always look at your tits when talking to you?
Helpful:
You look strangely familiar, have we met before?
Ed P says:
I can’t see your face, as you’re sitting with your back to the window
Mr Plum:
I like the cut of you jihad
Anonymous:
Jacqui, I’m sure that you can go back to your second residence now, none of your constituents will recognise you!
jgm2:
Pensioner pleads with DHSS employee for his extra heating allowance.
Doc Trough:
So, tell me dear, do you keep your curtains tied open with a tasseled sash?
Sir George of formby:
its like this chick…
OL’ BLINKY:
Come on darling – Get your ears out for the lads
Captain Lugard:
“Look I don’t have a problem with you people…. some of my best friends are ninjas.”
chunder:
Job applicant to manager of Folies Bergeres
“Look, just tell me straight, have I got the job or not?”
Staff_Shortages:
Let me explain Mrs Khan: we simply have NO female Gynecologists!
View from the bottom:
I give up, who are you
Prince Phillip:
What the F.uck is that!
You’re not a Star Wars fan then? (but you got one of my eight- so I’ll let you off)
“So, tell me dear, do you keep your curtains tied open with a tasseled sash?”
Sounds like Brian Sewell confronting Peter Mandelson, post rectal surgery.
I agree that you missed the most bestest StarWars:
Uncle Owen says:
“About those droids you sold me…”
Face it, its the only way a Ukipper is going to get on Question Time.
Hmmmmm you cannot beat a good Burpa !!
This is about Swine Flu, right?
what i’d say: so do you have osama’s number? i like the darker skinned chaps. maybe him and one of my somalian boyfriends could double plug my gaping bumhole! yay!
nell’s hobnobs did it then ? u’re back
“This is going to have to stop, Gordon”
I dunno who you are, but vote UKIP anyway
YOU CAN’T VOTE IF YOU’RE ANONYMOUS
Princess Tony BLIAR finally appears at the Iraq enquiry
… after a sudden and unnanounced faith-switch.
lets hope cherie mouth like a letter box follows suit. lol
… and emergency gender re-assignment therapy, the success of which is difficult to quantify from appearances alone.
At Last! A change from bloody Haiti!
Anyone remember when one of these fucking darlek’s applied for a job at a top hair stylist’s ?
she didn’t get the job so sued the hairstylist for racial descrimination
(In my opinion a deliberate act knowing full well she didn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of getting it )And Won ! This is the” True Face” Of Lie-Bores Fucked Up Britain !
Cherie, I promise you that nobody will recognise you in that if you wear it after Tony’s been to see the Chilcott Enquiry…
So that’s your “take” on the Holocaust is it then?
Programme on Telly tonight. Britains first female muslim boxer. Channel 4 must watch to see if they go for the head or tits.
“Beautiful eyes”.
No Gordon, it doesn’t make your bum look big and yes Gordon, it is better than the spangly dress or the basque but you still look bloody stupid in it. Just wear a damn suit for the Party Political broadcast like everyone else, OK?
I suppose a shag is out of the question then.
…and that’s why you shouldn’t be offended if someone tries so shove a letter into your face.
Mr Blair, it won’t help. Your voice will be recognised at the enquiry.
Does my bum look big in this?
Yes, but its not as big as your nose.
Tits or GTFO.
‘ Woman cautioned for loitering within tent.’
Her: “Yes I would like to come to Britain because I love your
culturemoney”.So answer me this, if you’re the Grim Reaper were is your Scythe
…yes, Domino’s pizza – 2 for 1 on a Tuesday
The winner of Miss Bradford 2009 discusses the merits of world peace
“I think it’s a bit over the top just because you dribble your soup.
Yes Harriet I know you Hatemen but err… perhaps… a little… ethnic! No?
So you are a female Rolf Harris impersonator – hmmmm that being the case why are you clad head to foot in a blackdust sheet?
On second thoughts don’t answer that we’ll issue a work permit without delay.
Constituent: Lord Pearson, will you pay back the £100,000 you coned us out of by claiming that your house in London was your second home ?
Lord Pearson: Erm . . . she’s wearing a Burkha ! Let’s get her !
Hand me a tissue, would you ?
“Nigel, It will work. If we get our activists to dress up in Burkhas and then wonder around leafy villages in middle England chanting anti-British slogans we will upset the villagers and they will flock to UKIP as their saviours, trust me, I am a Lord you know…”
Pearson: “See-through, Agent Provocateur underneath but with the face covered – that’s my final offer”
Burkagal: “long-johns in winter?”
Pearson: “You kidding me – nylon mesh body suit – i’m told they’re warm”
Burkagal: “This is so sexist”
Pearson: “The fun stuff always is duck”
Listen Miss Binliner you might think the fact that you took a donkey up the kyhber to get your brownie map reading badge means something in Teatowelland but Baroness Scotland still needs to see the paperwork
I really dont think the escort buisness is for you my dear !
“Why don’t you fuck off back where you belong?”
“oh, sorry, I didn’t hear the division bell.”
Sir John Chillcot : “I’m sorry Mr Brown but Im afraid I cant agree to your compromise solution over whether you should appear at this enquiry in secret or not”
UKIP clowns commenting on Burqa! You’re supposed to be in favour of individual liberty, you bozzos. It’s your only USP.
Everyone else in favor of ID cards, ‘elf ‘n’ safety and BIG GOVERNMENT bossing us around.
Who cares what anyone wears or thinks or says?
If you are joining the LibLanCon trick of endless petty legislation then you need not expect me to pay the fine to which your pompous, imbecile treasurer made yo liable.
“Who cares what anyone wears or thinks or says? ”
No one cares what you think either – so you might as well fuck off
“You really do have the most beautiful eyes, my dear…”
“OK, tell me how much it would cost to see what you are wearing under that black thingy…”
I would the Kilt and all who live in them
Ladies & gentlemen of the press I am delighted to announce that we in Ukip have finally found how to accomadate Ms. Nikki Sinclaire!