January 22nd, 2010

Friday Caption Contest (UKIP Burka Banning Edition)


  1. 1

    “You can’t win…. If you strike me down, I shall become more
    powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

  2. 2

    So, you want to be a Rabbi?

  3. 3

    I am not a big fan of your Sharia law. When I was flipping houses in the Yemen, they cut off my left arm. Look!

  4. 5
    Man With A Very Hot Bladder says:

    You are Hazel Blears and I claim my five pounds.

  5. 6
    Max the Impaler says:

    Fuck me Polly, thats a bit much.

    • 51
      Dick the Prick says:

      Not enough – can still see her mad eyes

      • 117
        GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

        You do realise that to be a snoop for the DHSS you will have to peep through peoples letter boxes
        What the fuck do you thing i’ve been doing in here for the last thirty years ?

  6. 8
    jgm2 says:

    Look into my eyes. Not around the eyes. Into the eyes.

  7. 9
    chomping at the bit says:

    As he play pocket billiards he’s saying…. “you have such lovely eyes James.”

  8. 10

    Good that you’re wearing our recommended work apparel for women sharing a room with Lembit.

    • 127
      Animal says:

      “I would have thought it obvious why Lembit was chatting up the blonde and brunette girls in the social and not you”

  9. 11
    Tankboy says:

    I thought the SAS just blank out the eyes

  10. 12
    jdennis_99 says:

    No, our proposed ban does not apply to ninjas.

  11. 13
    Wild_Eyed_Crombie says:

    Tell you what………Do you know how to sing Doh, Ray Me?

  12. 14
    Dry Martini says:

    Do you find men always look at your tits when talking to you?

  13. 15
    Helpful says:

    You look strangely familiar, have we met before?

  14. 16
    Mahatma Cote says:

    So that’s the list of benefits available. Have you got a house yet?

  15. 17
    Anonymous says:

    What? You can’t shake my hand because the Taliban chopped it off?

  16. 18
    Smash Labour says:

    Best move you’ve made Harriet, you really are one ugly fucking bitch.

  17. 19
    Fannie May says:

    Lower the eye slot to the mouth and I might be interested.

  18. 20
    Mr Plum says:

    Thats not what I meant by a cover up

  19. 21
    Tarzan_Costumes says:

    I’m your friendly Burkkogram

  20. 22
    Toad says:

    “I’ve got to hand it to you Geert, I didn’t think this ‘disguise’ lark was going to pan out, but here you are, in one piece!”

  21. 23
    Don Tully says:

    Do you pray to a false god? You disgusting muslim whore, i’d sooner screw my dead mother than engage with you….ugh!!!

    Money’s on the side love, same time next week for the wednesday wank?

  22. 25
    Anonymous says:

    “So I suppose a fuck’s out of the question ?”

  23. 26
    Anonymous says:

    “U-KIP if you want to, the lady’s not for burning..”

  24. 27
    Anonymous says:

    “Ticket for the Geert Wilders bash ? That’ll be £ 10 please..”

  25. 28
    genghiz the kahn says:

    ‘now if you make a ‘donation’ to gordon’s slush fund, we’ll always protect your privacy from guido fawkes.’

  26. 29
    On Harman Pride's Dossier says:

    Does my bigotry look big in this?

  27. 30
    jdennis_99 says:

    I didn’t know it was fancy dress! Why have you dressed up as a postbox? I thought they were red.

  28. 31
    Slush_Pup says:

    How do you get to do blowjobs?

  29. 32
    Anonymous says:

    “Well, at least we can agree on the issue of lesbian adoption !”

  30. 34
    Deeply Regret says:

    Look, you can’t chew bubble gum in here.

  31. 35
    backwoodsman says:

    Look Gordon, there was no mention in your statement, about appearing before the commission incognito.

  32. 36
    Ed P says:

    I can’t see your face, as you’re sitting with your back to the window

  33. 37
    Anonymous says:

    “Look, Iain, I know you’ve brought some interesting ideas from the Tory Party on a secret General Election deal, but I’m not really interested at the moment..”

  34. 38
    Grumpy Old Man says:

    ….and the house has been refurbished to Parliamentary standards.

  35. 39
    Anonymous says:

    “Of course we can forgive you for your past as a Tory PPC Mr Dale, but I’m sorry you will have to drop the burqa, even if it does cover up your terrifying TV ties..”

  36. 40
    Anonymous says:

    I’m a man really, but no busted would dare touch ME up!

  37. 41
    backwoodsman says:

    So, the guys get 72 virgins, what do you get, Warren Beaty ?

  38. 42
    Lord Pearson says:

    Well done Nigel I’m sure no one will recognise you. Now go out on the streets and frighten the natives.

  39. 43
    Anonymous says:

    “There has been a misunderstanding. I was talking about Nigel Farage. I said I wanted to ‘Ban the BURKE’..”

  40. 44
    Mr Plum says:

    I like the cut of you jihad

  41. 45
    che says:

    so barak what were you saying about the banks

  42. 46
    Ken Lorp says:

    I’ll bet underneath all that black, there’s a saucy little minx just waiting to get out.

  43. 47
    Harri says:

    Look, iz it because you iz ugly !

  44. 48
    astateofdenmark says:

    Do those outfits come in leather? I know a lady who might be interested.

  45. 49
    Strontium_89 says:

    You realise Mr Pearson that I’m naked under this

  46. 50
    righty right wing (mrs) says:

    No darling, you mis-understood my meaning of the word stoned

  47. 52
    EC1 PhD says:

    Wipe your arse with this hand if you want to but it won’t make you British.

  48. 53
    Anonymous says:

    “Eye Spy with my Parliament Eye, something beginning with… B.. “

  49. 55
    Anonymous says:

    Jacqui, I’m sure that you can go back to your second residence now, none of your constituents will recognise you!

  50. 56
    Mr Plum says:

    So this is the new government scheme to prevent global warming.
    They call it the mobile draft excluder

  51. 57
    Anonymous says:

    Guido – Will you come and visit us in prison if we make a reference to this scene taking place in the Business Class lounge of an airport ?

    Oops – too late…

  52. 59

    Now let me get this straight, Sally, you want to repudiate your past life and emphasise who you’re married to – wouldn’t it be easier to give an exclusive interview?

  53. 61
    genghiz the kahn says:

    girl: “keep on taking the fivers, three times a day until this Parliament runs its course.”

  54. 62
    The IMF is coming says:

    Sorry; I told my butler I wanted a meeting with Bercow.

  55. 63
    Flatus says:

    I bet it makes you squint if you blow a few trumps out in that get up

  56. 64
    genghiz the kahn says:

    still from ‘debbie does westminster’.

  57. 65
  58. 66
    jgm2 says:

    Look, if you’re going to show up dressed like that you could have saved us both a lot of hassle by just phoning.

  59. 67
    coldstone says:

    “Batman, Gotham city needs your help!”

  60. 68
    coldstone says:

    “How much for a the hand and how much for full sex?”

  61. 69
    coldstone says:

    “We will look after your kind”

  62. 70
    coldstone says:

    “No lets go through the plan again. We let you in. You make loads of babies. Then we shall rule the world”

  63. 71
    Harriet Tweet says:


    @SallyBercow Welcome to Twitter. Come to our gen elec launch party in Camberwell and Peckham. Peter Mandleson is celeb guest -we hope!

    • 74
      Dave says:

      Does this mean that gordon has called the election and Harriet has given the game away?

      • 82
        Anonymous says:

        Probably a reflection of the ‘jokey’ content on Bercow’s twitter site..

        Unlikely that Mandelson would be Harpie’s biggest cheerleader, but maybe they will all kiss and make up for the campaign ?

    • 95
      Talwin says:

      It might have been thought that by now Harman, or whoever wrote this crap, would have been aware how to spell Mandelson.

    • 160

      Interesting that Harriet fails the spelling test of Lord Mandy’s surname.

  64. 73
    jgm2 says:

    No Mrs Khan, I’m afraid Fatima cannot have a swimming lesson of her own.

  65. 75
    Anonymous says:

    I’ve checked the references from Baroness Scotland, you’ve got the job.

  66. 76
    jgm2 says:

    So you’re here to report the theft of your sunglasses?

  67. 77
    AC1 says:

    “I’m Sorry Miss Burqua, you seem to have evaded immigration and found yourself in the wrong country, now fuck off”.

  68. 79
    Anonymous says:

    “Sorry, but you will have to use my address in the constituency to serve the fatwa..”

  69. 80
    R2D2 says:

    Bring out the Gimp

  70. 81
  71. 83
    Gordon Bennette says:

    Berk and burka

  72. 84
    Engineer says:

    “Gordon, I know you want to get close enough to Obama for a photo op, but you won’t get near him dressed like that. Even if you did, who’s going to know it’s you in the photo?”

  73. 85
    Wise words says:

    There is a fine veil between what is funny and what is racist.

  74. 86
    Afghanistan Banana Stand says:

    Look. I’m sorry, but if you must go around dressed like that and then stand on street corners in the dark, people are bound to shove letters into your face.

  75. 87
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    Royal mail Unveil there new Muslim friendly letter box ?

  76. 89
    Browns Broadcasting Company says:

    Yes, your bomb does look big in that.

  77. 91
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    She’s singing “I Only Have Eyes For You !

  78. 92
    strapworld says:

    Darling, It may be the height of fashion in Hounslow BUT it would not be right for the wife of the Tory candidate to be seen wearing that!

  79. 93
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    yes i can tell by your passport photo ,That definitely is you !

  80. 94
    tax is taxing says:

    Answer found to the great Cherie Blair problem

  81. 96
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    Are you Bin laden ?
    No im Bin liner !

  82. 97
    Odds Bodkins says:

    “Can you start Monday 9:00 am? By the way Mecca is that way…”

  83. 98
    Odds Bodkins says:

    “Does my bum look big in this?”

  84. 99
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    We will Exterminate ! We will Exterminate !

  85. 101
    jgm2 says:

    Pensioner pleads with DHSS employee for his extra heating allowance.

  86. 102
    Silent Fart says:

    I agree, it’s just not fair when your husband gets to wear brown plastic slip-ons and chunky nylon cardigans

  87. 103

    I’ll see your five and raise you ten!

  88. 104
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    And tonight Mathew I’m going to be Shirley Bassey !

  89. 106
    The Dirty Rat says:

    No, no Mrs Jones. I said make your way to the interview in a MINI CAB!

  90. 107

    So, ma’am, you really think I would finally be able to pull if I dressed like that? Well I suppose it is worth a shot.

  91. 109
    Summer_Breeze says:

    Look, even despite this personal visit to explain things…
    You’re still too stupid to understand how, ‘ You’ve Been Cromwelled ‘ works!!! :-/

  92. 110

    Normally it is me that has to cover my face in order to be able to get to speak to a woman.

  93. 111
    Mobile Post Box says:

    If you will go will you send back,
    a letter from the Taliban

  94. 112
    jgm2 says:

    So, Mrs Choudhry, to recap, you say your husband is a load-mouthed, gob-shite dolie who sits around the house all day doing nothing but watching Jeremy Kyle and Countdown and you want a divorce…

  95. 113
    Doc Trough says:

    So, tell me dear, do you keep your curtains tied open with a tasseled sash?

  96. 115
    Man in Veil says:

    Man is saying “Well Prime Minister you do have reputation for wanting to disappear when there are problems, but surely the polls are not that bad”.

  97. 116
    Irene says:

    No comment

  98. 118
    Anonymous says:

    Not seeing you is actually more of a turn on. Look I can rub one out with my left hand as we speak.

  99. 120
    SAW says:

    UKIP vote on the terms of Nikki Sinclaire’s re-admittance to party meetings passed unanimously

  100. 121
    Anon says:

    Excellent, this is a really good way to get my bum-boy in undetected.

  101. 122
    Anonymous says:


    “Look – I paid for a gang bang and now you are telling me it’s off? ”

    Burkha Lady;

    “Yes – but the sticks of dynamite round my waist will go off and make a really big bang”.

    Pulls cord.

    Screen goes blank.

  102. 123

    ….and when I take my glasses orf you can see my shining face in its full glory.

  103. 124
    LarryDavid says:

    So it’s agreed. You’ll work for the Freedom Association with Anjem Choudary and co. Welcome aboard. Boy, this right-wing populism gets me horny, fancy a drink?

  104. 125
    jgm2 says:

    Pensioner stopped by Airport Security tries to convince HM immigration he is not a terrorist.

  105. 126
    Anon says:

    Well, that’s all for now. We’ll work on next week’s speech tomorrow Gordon.

  106. 128

    This is the Hashish department. You want the Baksheesh department.
    Just down the hall there…

  107. 129
    Penfold says:

    So Mrs Bin Laden, how much do you want in benefits and w’ell need 2 photo’s for your British passport, and of course 2 for Osama. We will of course guarantee his Human Rights and he’s free to arrange suicide bombers and bombings, but do tell him that Westminster and the environs of Parliament are a no-no. As for his team we will of course look favourable upon their applications.
    Super, welcome to Britain.

  108. 130
    Mark Oaten says:

    Is there a flap at the back?

  109. 131
    Labours fake ballot box says:

    So all you have to do is hide the Tory votes, and we can forget all about postal voting

  110. 132
    Monsieur Perv says:

    I am the victim here. I am a lecherous old man and if you cover yourself up I will not be able to leer at you properly.
    What about my rights?

  111. 133
    jgm2 says:

    How many postal vote applications?

    Goodness, 23a, Nelson Mandella Avenue must be an awfully big house.

  112. 134
    Jack Straw says:

    Excellent wheeze dad, the redcaps won’t have a clue

  113. 135
    Lady in Black says:

    Can’t you put a paper bag or something over your head you ugly bastard?

  114. 136
    Cart_Pulling_Hoarse says:

    Can you tell us what sort of qualities you think you would be able to bring to the Job Mr Pearson?

  115. 137
    next slide please, d-day says:

    So thats the interview complete. Well done. Even though you have no qualifications, can’t speak English and have a dubious residency status the fact you are a woman and a member of an ethnic minority gives you the right to a job in the public sector. Would the Home Office do? £30K a year plus pension, 4 months off fully paid and a no sacking clause? Excellent. Well, lets shake on it. Perhaps you could ask your husband Mr Choudray if he would like to be interviewed next.

  116. 139
    Uncle Owen says:

    “About those droids you sold me…”

  117. 141
    Four-eyed English Genius says:

    I’m sorry. We don’t have any openings for Lady Daleks!

  118. 143
    Anonymous says:

    So Sally Bercow it’s great you have joined the team,

  119. 144
    Anonymous says:


    “Look – I paid for a gang bang and now you are telling me it’s off? ”

    Burka Lady;

    “Yes – but the sticks of dynamite round my waist will go off and make a really big bang”.

    Pulls cord.

    Screen goes blank.

  120. 146
    barefootcontessa says:

    Ban religion while you’re at it. France leads the way!

    • 162
      sockpuppet #4 says:

      funny that. They still all want holidays for when jesus or his mum flew up into the sky (*) or whatever.

      (* sfx : swanee whistle).

      • 195
        Goatlove Collective UK says:


        • 207
          sockpuppet #4 says:

          flying mum day coincides with VJ day. They have official holidays for VE day, and the end of WW1.

          British people don’t get any of those as hols of course.
          Do you think we’ll get a bank holiday for the end of the iraq war? (1st May 2003 was “Mission Accomplished” day).

  121. 147
    jgm2 says:

    I’m not sure that a Lawrence of Arabia theme park would have quite the appeal to British youth as you appear to believe. However if you want to borrow a billion quid to buy a Premiership football club then I’m sure we here at RBS can make that happen for you.

  122. 148

    Ok, Obama, if you get kidnapped in Iraq, make the special “rescue me” sign with your right hand.

    Durka! Durka! Durka!

    And then Team America: World Police will rescue you.

  123. 149
    Sir William Waad says:

    “The beauty of man lies in the eloquence of his tongue”.

  124. 150
    Anonymous says:

    Let me have a rummage in my pocket. I’m sure I can spare a tenner for the Anjem Choudary Benefits Concert.

  125. 151
    Mr E Dissident says:

    Mail or female?

  126. 152
    French Racist Hiding Behind His Desk says:

    You got it all wrong love. Fraternity and all that shit only applies to white French people.

  127. 155
    Anonymous says:

    If I twist my knackers like this they turn purple. Go on take a look…

  128. 159
    Disco Biscuit says:

    “Nigel, is that you in there?”

  129. 161
    jgm2 says:

    Okay, so it’s fifty quid a gig, cash in hand.

    You go into the pub, as soon as the landlord sees you then you’ll hear the music start and when it gets to ‘I’m going out to dinner with a gorgeous little singer…’ then you do your thing.

    Anything you do after that is between you and the client.

  130. 163
    V for Vendetta says:


    If you want to join us that’s fine. Why the secrecy?

  131. 165
    Silent Fart says:

    I see, you won’t be the Scottish Widow until next thursday.

  132. 167
    Tom Logan, Institute for Studies says:

    just……fuck off

  133. 168
    Dustin Hoffman says:

    How did you know it was me?

  134. 169
    Diablo says:

    Sorry Harriet, the court of public opinion demands that you keep it on.

  135. 170
  136. 171
    jgm2 says:

    Here at Peppermint Rhino we expect staff to work Fridays – it’s our busiest day.

  137. 172
    Jedi says:

    If we ban kippars as well, will you take your togs off?

  138. 173
    Sir William Waad says:

    “So, Miss Hussain,you’ve come about the job. Have you any previous experience as a piece of window-dressing?”

  139. 174
    Anonymous says:

    There’s this stuff called deodorant……………….

  140. 175
    French Amabassador says:

    Sorry but the CIA said if we didn’t ban your outfits in France they would pay Alqaeda to bomb our embassies and blame it on French Muslims.
    Yes, they are sneaky duplicitious bastards, aren’t they?

  141. 176
    HF says:

    I am sorry you cannot join UKIP. We have only just got rid of a 7 foot lesbian.

  142. 177
    Pole Star says:

    What makes you think that you really could be my other curtain?

    Do you have a sister?

  143. 178
    DisgustedOfMitcham2 says:

    Have you any idea just how ridiculous you look in that crazy outfit? Seriously? Waistcoats are so old fashioned!

  144. 179
    Douglas says:

    Farage dresses up to make Nikki feel more welcome in the EDF group

  145. 181
    Anonymous says:

    Iris, I’m sorry, we’re all over 60 here…

  146. 182
    Slim Jim says:

    Bank manager: ”Do you have a slit with 2 holes in the lower half?”

    Muslim Ladyboy: ”I’m going to shoot, infidel”.

  147. 183
    News of the Screws says:

    It’s very simple. If you don’t remove your kit you can’t be in Asian Babes

  148. 184
    Morrisons .............. says:

    Darling – this really is unnecessary – getting dressed-up like this!

    You could have emailed me the shopping list!

  149. 185
    Charlie the Chump says:

    Lift up that hood and place your beard in my right hand

  150. 185
    Smurf says:

    ……. and what do you do for an encore?

  151. 187

    Harry Cohen completes course “How to become anonymous”

  152. 188
    the fettes/eton axis says:

    Labour and Tories agree burkas are a good idea after considering the cases of Crazy Horse Beckett and Ann (the man) Milton.

  153. 189
    Pole Star says:

    Actually – I asked for Mrs Bercow to be shown in!

  154. 190
    Groucho says:

    Good to see you again.

    It is you, isn’t it?

  155. 192
    Lady in Burka says:

    I’m not a muslim, I just wear it to wind up sexist old farts like you!

  156. 194
    the fettes/eton axis says:

    Shadow Cabinet smuggle Natalie Rowe into meeting.

  157. 196
    Groucho says:

    “Is anything worn under the Niqab?”

    “No, its all in perfect working order you saucy old infidel”

  158. 197
    Damian McBride says:


    a me

    or give me a job

  159. 198
    Pole Star says:

    ……….. so you’ve tied your camel to a parking meter have you?

  160. 200
    Pole Star says:

    ……….. didn’t duffle coats go out of fashion some time ago?

  161. 201
    Sir William Waad says:

    “….tell me about it, if that wasn’t a penalty! Some times I think the refs are watching a different game.”

  162. 202
    Tommy Cooper says:

    Berk and Burka.
    Just like that!

  163. 203
    MI55Y says:

    …….. so decided to go to the MI5 fancy dress party as ………..

  164. 204
    La' says:

    Sorry, love, halloween’s not for another 10 months

  165. 205
    Tensing says:

    put that past me again – you’ve stolen what from the Post Office and your hiding in here?

  166. 206
    Joshua says:

    Yes sir, the sizes come in Small, Medium, Large and Extra Large for the big egod types.

  167. 208
    Showbiz Agent says:

    look love, I can see where you are coming from but I really am not sure whether the pubs and clubs are ready for your particular Alexandra Burka tribute act

  168. 209
    Bemused British bloke whose been sold a pup says:

    “Ok, when does the celebrating bit start?”

  169. 211
    Sarah Smith says:

    The new better looking Jacqui Smith

  170. 212

    “I need to hire a halal stripper for a stag do……….”

  171. 213
    Purpleline says:

    In olden days a glimpse of stocking
    Was looked on as something shocking,
    But now, Allan knows,
    Anything Goes.

    Good authors too who once knew better words,
    Now only use four letter words
    Writing prose, Anything Goes.

    The world has gone mad today
    And good’s bad today,
    And black’s good today,
    And day’s night today,
    When most guys today
    That women prize today
    Are just silly gigolos
    And though I’m not a great romancer
    I know that I’m bound to answer
    When you propose, cutting my penis off
    Anything goes

    When grandmama whose age is eighty
    In night clubs is getting matey with gigolo’s,
    Anything Goes.

    When mothers pack and leave poor father
    Because they decide they’d rather be tennis pros,
    Anything Goes.

    If driving fast cars you like,
    If low bars you like,
    If old hymns you like,
    If bare limbs you like,
    If Mae West you like
    Or me undressed you like,
    Why, nobody will oppose!
    When every night,
    The set that’s smart
    Is intruding in nudist parties in studios,
    Anything Goes.

    Pearson showing his liberal roots

  172. 214
    streamfisher says:

    You look so different in Western clothing EL Orance, my camel is double parked on Kensington high street.

  173. 216
    Anonymous says:

    How do you solve a problem like Sharia?
    How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

    (With apologies to the nuns in The Sound of Music)

  174. 217
    George"The Joker"Osborne says:

    Right you are Madam,stop me if you’ve heard this one before

    3 anxious new fathers arrived in the maternity ward to see their newly born babies only to discover the babies had been mixed up, one was German, one Jewish and the other was Irish, nobody could tell the difference, so the German shouted “Zeik Hail”, the German baby sat up with it’s arm out, the Jewish baby shit itself and the Irish baby shovelled it up!!

  175. 218
    The French Have More Common Sense In All Things Burka says:

    Gordon employs that go anywhere diguise favoured by male terrorists to see if he can find out what makes UKIP tick.

  176. 219
    Toxteth Rambler says:

    It could be worse you could be wearing a 1980′s shell suit with a Liverpool shirt on underneath. How embarrassing would that be!

    Alright calm down calm down

  177. 221

    Liek the star wars ones best.

    I’ll tell you what though; the Diversity and Equality Kops are not going to like Guido’s at all after this…

    You are all fucking nicked.

  178. 223
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    If you look at me without it you’d be Stoned !
    If i look at you without it i’d have to be Stoned !

    • 229
      jgm2 says:

      Up in Cumbria they just made walls out of all their spare stones. But Islam had to go the extra fucking mile eh?

  179. 225
    Mike Law says:

    No, no, no. You hve the wrong end of the stick, it’s Bercow we want to ban not the berkha.

  180. 226
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    So Mrs Griffin
    how do you rate your husbands chances in the general election ?

  181. 228
    Disliker of Bankers says:

    Barry’s got it right then (on the bankers). Conservitude policy is that it’s ok so long as the rest of the world controls them first. Feckwits.

    Brown’s policy: Do nowt.

    Bankers are as serious a threat as Alky Ada, the bastards.

    Give the money back!

  182. 230
    Anonymous says:

    What do you mean you’ve gone commando?

  183. 233
    Not long until Labour gone says:

    You look just like your photo on the Muslim Brides website!

  184. 234
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    Asian babe’s reveal their Miss January Pin Up !

    • 370
      GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

      I forgot to add :
      Imagin Knocking One Out Over That ?

  185. 235
    Sir George of formby says:

    its like this chick…

  186. 236
    OL' BLINKY says:

    Come on darling – Get your ears out for the lads

  187. 237
    streamfisher says:

    As a lawyer who specialises in these cases, the chance of you being picked out in the identity parade is 5/1.

  188. 238
    .243 Win says:

    Sharia, Sharia, Sharia, Sharia
    Sharia Khan let me blow up
    Let me blow up – blow up you
    Sharia Khan let me blow up,
    Shahid’s all I wanna do

  189. 239

    Lord Pearson struggled to make voice activated floor light switch itself on though he did admire the lampshade.

  190. 240
    Disco Stew says:

    Of course you can have a passport,but you must promise to vote Labour.

  191. 241
    norfolkandgood says:

    I see, and after Cheltenham Ladies College?

  192. 242
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    Have you heard the one about the cleric, the jar of cook-in sauce and the pork sausage?

  193. 243
    BillyBob ... reduce crime, national debt and carbon footprint, stop immigration? Every little helps! says:

    ” Sorry, we can only arrange 35 virgins ! “

  194. 244
    Alexandra Burka says:

    Some people call them players
    But I’m far from terrified
    Cos somehow I’m drawn to danger
    And have been all of my life
    It feels my heart’s divided
    Half way ‘tween wrong and right
    I know I’m playing with chemicals
    But I don’t know why

    Yeah the bad boys are always catching my eye
    (Ooh Way, Ooh Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)
    I said the bad boys are always spinning my mind
    (Ooh Way, Ooh Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)
    Even though I know they’re no good for me
    It’s the risk I take for the chemistry set
    With the bad boys always catching my eye
    (Ooh Way, Ooh Way, Ooh Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah)
    Oooooh, bad boys

  195. 245
    Popsy says:

    Hello Gordon.
    Chasing the Islamic vote are we?

  196. 247
    Dave Cameron says:

    Not a lot of people know this

    Lionel Richie has officially announced today that he is turning to the Muslim faith…

    To celebrate, he is releasing a new song entitled: ‘Halal, is it meat your looking for?’

  197. 248
    Fees Office Clerk says:

    Gordon Brown: “How on earth can I possibly divert attention away from my slush fund investigation?”

    Jack Straw: “Offer to go in front of the Iraq Inquiry before the General Election”

    Gordon Brown “Dear Sir John (smirk)…”

  198. 249
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    But Damian, now you’re back at the BBC you don’t need your disguise any more.

  199. 250
    Rest_and_be_Thankless says:

    I can’t believe it Mr Pearson! I’ve just won 50P!!!!!!!!!!!

  200. 251
    Charles Flaccidwidger says:

    Sister Wendy, I love the new outfit.

  201. 252
    Anonymous says:

    “Is it because I is in black ?”

  202. 254
    Captain Lugard says:

    “Look I don’t have a problem with you people…. some of my best friends are ninjas.”

  203. 255
    Anonymous says:

    Cunning plan by Damian McBride to discredit the Guido Fawkes blog prior to the General Election comes to fruition…

  204. 256
    BillyBob ... reduce crime, national debt and carbon footprint, stop immigration? Every little helps! says:

    Hmmmmmm I use Gillette Mach3 for a good close shave !

  205. 257
    snore says:

    Grovelling backbench MP to McMental on his latest wheeze for winning the election

    “Thats fantastic Gordon. There’s no doubt it’ll secure a massive victory for Labour

    er , did you say we all have to wear them? “

  206. 258
    First they came for ladies in burkas says:

    This is how it works in Vichy France, you cannot be told what to wear by muslim men but you can be told what to wear by French Republican men, clear?

  207. 259
    Al_goner says:

    Do you by any chance have the expression “Burkha Up” in your language?

  208. 260
    verticalwater says:

    Thank you for coming in! I now have an idea of how the Lone Ranger would look like in a negative photograph. How’s Tonto by the way?

  209. 261
    Sacha Cohen says:

    How did you know it was me?

  210. 262
    Victor says:

    I’m left handed

  211. 263
    ukipwebscheister says:

    ‘ Look,I’m NOT paying £50 extra for GFE!’

  212. 264
    R.Emery says:

    I think that most of the comments are an utter disgrace——– but I like them

  213. 265
    Mp_on_Expensez says:

    I went on an all-paid fact-finding tour – and all I got was this Burkkha

  214. 266
    chunder says:

    Job applicant to manager of Folies Bergeres

    “Look, just tell me straight, have I got the job or not?”

  215. 267
    Anonymous says:

    Look Gordon, you really are going to have to go out and meet some real members of the electorate.

  216. 268
    Vote Vote Vote for Jacqui. says:

    At the Metropolitan Police college in Hendon recruits are taught the new greeting.

    In days of old the Constable would greet everyone and everything with Hello,Hello Hello what do we have here?

    Nowadays it is Halal,Halal,Halal what do we have here?

  217. 270

    Look, frankly, this “Fathers For Justice” campaign is a bit lame now.

  218. 272
    Brown 'n out says:

    Virgin scout, working for the official virgin aloting department within the ministry for Jihnad, being advised to steer clear of Essex.

  219. 273
    Tom Logan, Institute for Studies says:

    I know this is going to sound a bit racist but I feel morally obliged to tell you anyway.

    I fucking hate the French

    • 281
      Temeraireious says:

      That’s the Nelson spirit!

      • 298
        Tom Logan, Institute for anti- french Studies says:

        Yes, we need a little more of the Nelson spirit these days. For instance how do you think Nelson would deal with Somali pirates I wonder? Would he be afraid to intevene lest he fall foul of some damnable human rights shennanigans?

        No! A broadside from the twelve punders and boarders away I imagine! Jack Tar would dish out swift justice with their cutlasses and those that survived/surrendered would be given a swift court martial and hung from the yardarm within the hour as brigands they are.

        • 301
          Hugh Janus says:

          I say, a court martial? Isn’t that a bit over the top? Can’t we just forget the formalities and string ‘em up?

      • 299
        Pierre la Poof says:

        The feeling’s mutual you ros beef b*astard.

  220. 274
    Not_Next_Door_Toomy says:

    The Thing: How much will you sponsor me to burn my burkkah?

    Pearson: I’ll pay you five hundred as long as you stay in it!

  221. 275
    Titless says:

    Ok Gordon I’ll give you that the eye patch helps but underpants on the outside really won’t help you look like Superman…more Superburk

  222. 277
    Stately Lord says:

    Drat, I knew I should have invested in one of those buzzing blue light thingies that you find in bakers shops.

  223. 278
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Are there really 20,000 of you, or just the one?

  224. 279
    Alan Philip Bonggg says:

    You were so vague on expenses they’ve redacted you?

  225. 280
    View from the bottom says:

    I give up, who are you

  226. 282
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    But have you thought this breast implantation through?

  227. 283

    I know it sounds obvious but it’s the best way to conceal the pants.

  228. 284
    Under a flower pot at the bottom of the garden until that c'nt brown calls the General Election says:

    Tell me Mr Jones:

    How are you getting on at terrorism school, I see you have the uniform already.

  229. 285
    Rearson Pannock says:

    Get your face out !
    Get your face out !
    Get your face out for the lads !
    Get your fa-ce out for the lads !

  230. 287

    All this brou-ha could easily be settled.

    1. No banning of any wearing apparel.

    2. All official forms which require a photograph, such as passports and driving licence to have the same rules. Either everyone has to be allowed to hide their face on the photographs, or nobody can do so.

    3. If a member of the public doesn’t agree with the rules, they don’t get a driving licence or a British passport.

    If they then have one of those documents, and refuse to bear their face to a Policemen or official, we would have insist they do this but, on top of whatever offence they have committed, refusing to bear your face when asked would mean an extra £1,000 fine – minimum (I will be fair – it could be reduced to £500 if paid within 14 days).

    Ampers who believes in the same laws for all.

  231. 288
    Jolly_Good_Friday_Laugh says:

    There are some real vintage captions on here already , Guido
    Let’s see how many of them migrate to other media. We know who invented them all first.

  232. 289
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Yes, I can understand why Specsavers have a problem. You have no ears

  233. 290
    nell says:

    No Mrs Moran I do not think you stand a better chance of getting re-elected in Luton by canvassing in a burkha.

  234. 291
    Too many Lords says:

    Baroness Scotland in disguise, tries to get a job as a cleaner as she’s crap at law!

  235. 293
    Prince Phillip says:

    What the F.uck is that!

  236. 294
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Yes I know, but you can’t equate it with a folded white handkerchief in a top pocket

  237. 296
    Jolly Good TV says:

    Piers Morgan in deep cover as he researches for his latest programme ‘Piers Morgan in UKIP’

  238. 297
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Look, I’m the doctor. There’s only one way of finding out whether you can become one of the 70 virgins.

  239. 300
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    You have a cold? I know it’s difficult but in England we blow our noses.

  240. 302
    Staff_Shortages says:

    Let me explain Mrs Khan: we simply have NO female Gynecologists!

  241. 304

    Well, maybe I didn’t make myself completely clear: when I said “cat-suit” I meant somthing a little less… er… loose.

  242. 305
    I Squiggle says:

    Mum, take it off. You’re fooling no one..

  243. 306
    More 'green' taxes coming your way says:

    My dear, my dear, I fully understand that it’s a novel way of re-cycling your own CO2 but we simply cannot make it law yet for everyone to wear one of those contraptions!

  244. 308
    Le_Premier_Chose says:

    Well let’s first look at things from the bright side. Number One… you’re not in France…..

  245. 309
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Are you ” Anonymous” from order-order?

  246. 313

    No dear, I really can’t imagine why the Dragons turned down your Portable Rock Festival Tent.

  247. 314
    Joey Joe Joe says:

    “I am trying to tellings you that Islams is peace! We wants peace! And if you don’t agreeings with us, we will blows you up!”

  248. 315
    Ronald McDonald says:

    “I’m sorry but the auditions to play Batman have now ended.”

  249. 316
    Stately Lord says:

    I fully sympathise, scoring zero minus in your British Citizenship test could look bad but it really need not hold you back, I will speak personally to the Home Office, they should be able to give you a job, oh and a passport too. Role up, role up, to the grand British multicultural experiment.

  250. 317
    Autre_Premier_Chose says:

    Good Moaning!!

  251. 318
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    So you say, but Ronnie Corbett could well be under there

  252. 319
    Abu Bonanza says:

    “Is it coz I is a fundamentalist fanatic?”

  253. 320
    Abu Bonanza says:

    “Why CAN’T I work in an operating theatre dressed like this? And why should I have to operate on men anyway?”

    • 365
      The Rabbi says:

      It will not be too stressful, you just have to cut off that wrinkly bit of skin at the end.

  254. 321
    Lembit Opik says:

    Out of the way Pearson!, can I have you phone number darling.

    • 332
      Muddled_Massage says:

      Sounds like Lembit needs grammar lessons from Sven

    • 333
      A Silent Emission of Bowel Gas says:

      “Does your husband make you wear that?”

      “Only when he can’t find my collar and lead.”

  255. 323
    Shahid Malik MP says:

    “I’m wearing La Senza lingerie underneath this”

    • 339
      The self righteous righteous hand of Sharia says:

      You can be stoned to death for that one, no islamic cross dressing, even under a burka.

  256. 324

    As far as I am aware they are not presently looking for a replacement for The Stig.

  257. 330
    bandersnatch says:

    ‘And when you get into No10, his office is on the first floor. Don’t scream “Allahu akbar” and pull the cord till you’re near enough to smell the prime ministerial halitosis.’

  258. 334

    Julie, when I said we should try role play, I was thinking more along the lines of air hostess or Nurse.

  259. 335

    Yes, Lord Pearson, I take your point about Superman. But if I wear my pants on the outside they will spot the explosives.

  260. 340
    Abu de Souuflé says:

    Here’s my sifting of the most disgraceful and downright, in the absence of any official adjudication:

    Constantly Furious:
    “You can’t win…. If you strike me down, I shall become more
    powerful than you can possibly imagine.”

    Archer Karcher:
    Fatwa is that you?

    Bingo Wings:
    Is that ‘cos I’m in black?

    Bill Quango MP:
    So, you want to be a Rabbi?

    Max the Impaler:
    Fuck me Polly, thats a bit much

    Look into my eyes. Not around the eyes. Into the eyes.

    Dry Martini:
    Do you find men always look at your tits when talking to you?

    You look strangely familiar, have we met before?

    Ed P says:
    I can’t see your face, as you’re sitting with your back to the window

    Mr Plum:
    I like the cut of you jihad

    Jacqui, I’m sure that you can go back to your second residence now, none of your constituents will recognise you!

    Pensioner pleads with DHSS employee for his extra heating allowance.

    Doc Trough:
    So, tell me dear, do you keep your curtains tied open with a tasseled sash?

    Sir George of formby:
    its like this chick…

    Come on darling – Get your ears out for the lads

    Captain Lugard:
    “Look I don’t have a problem with you people…. some of my best friends are ninjas.”

    Job applicant to manager of Folies Bergeres
    “Look, just tell me straight, have I got the job or not?”

    Let me explain Mrs Khan: we simply have NO female Gynecologists!

    View from the bottom:
    I give up, who are you

    Prince Phillip:
    What the F.uck is that!

    • 358
      No_Capt'n! says:

      You’re not a Star Wars fan then? (but you got one of my eight- so I’ll let you off)

    • 363
      Francis Futurama says:

      “So, tell me dear, do you keep your curtains tied open with a tasseled sash?”

      Sounds like Brian Sewell confronting Peter Mandelson, post rectal surgery.

    • 369
      One _Moore says:

      I agree that you missed the most bestest StarWars:

      Uncle Owen says:

      “About those droids you sold me…”

  261. 344
    Desparate tactics says:

    Face it, its the only way a Ukipper is going to get on Question Time.

  262. 345
    BillyBob ... reduce crime, national debt and carbon footprint, stop immigration? Every little helps! says:

    Hmmmmm you cannot beat a good Burpa !!

  263. 346
    Francis Futurama says:

    This is about Swine Flu, right?

  264. 348
    thick as thieves says:

    what i’d say: so do you have osama’s number? i like the darker skinned chaps. maybe him and one of my somalian boyfriends could double plug my gaping bumhole! yay!

  265. 349
    EyeSee says:

    “This is going to have to stop, Gordon”

  266. 353
    Nigel says:

    I dunno who you are, but vote UKIP anyway

  267. 356
    jackie double quilted for comfort smith says:

    Princess Tony BLIAR finally appears at the Iraq enquiry

  268. 359
    Francis Futurama says:

    … and emergency gender re-assignment therapy, the success of which is difficult to quantify from appearances alone.

  269. 362
    Disaster_Relief says:

    At Last! A change from bloody Haiti!

  270. 364
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    Anyone remember when one of these fucking darlek’s applied for a job at a top hair stylist’s ?
    she didn’t get the job so sued the hairstylist for racial descrimination
    (In my opinion a deliberate act knowing full well she didn’t have a cat in hell’s chance of getting it )And Won ! This is the” True Face” Of Lie-Bores Fucked Up Britain !

  271. 372
    50 Calibre says:

    Cherie, I promise you that nobody will recognise you in that if you wear it after Tony’s been to see the Chilcott Enquiry…

  272. 373
    Looking_Good_in_Deniers says:

    So that’s your “take” on the Holocaust is it then?

  273. 374
    MOHAMMED ALI says:

    Programme on Telly tonight. Britains first female muslim boxer. Channel 4 must watch to see if they go for the head or tits.

  274. 378
    underpants says:

    “Beautiful eyes”.

  275. 380
    elizabeth says:

    No Gordon, it doesn’t make your bum look big and yes Gordon, it is better than the spangly dress or the basque but you still look bloody stupid in it. Just wear a damn suit for the Party Political broadcast like everyone else, OK?

  276. 381
    nrg says:

    I suppose a shag is out of the question then.

  277. 383
    ScoobyPoo says:

    …and that’s why you shouldn’t be offended if someone tries so shove a letter into your face.

  278. 384

    Mr Blair, it won’t help. Your voice will be recognised at the enquiry.

  279. 386
    Boudicca says:

    Does my bum look big in this?
    Yes, but its not as big as your nose.

  280. 387
    Gobshite says:

    Tits or GTFO.

  281. 389
    Stephen Shorland says:

    ‘ Woman cautioned for loitering within tent.’

  282. 391
    Fatima says:

    Her: “Yes I would like to come to Britain because I love your culture money”.

  283. 392
    Kings Heath Lad says:

    So answer me this, if you’re the Grim Reaper were is your Scythe

  284. 393
    lolcat says:

    …yes, Domino’s pizza – 2 for 1 on a Tuesday

  285. 394
    Busted Nokia says:

    The winner of Miss Bradford 2009 discusses the merits of world peace

  286. 395
    Porky Pies MP says:

    “I think it’s a bit over the top just because you dribble your soup.

  287. 396
    udderly 'orrible says:

    Yes Harriet I know you Hatemen but err… perhaps… a little… ethnic! No?

  288. 397
    Flat Earther says:

    So you are a female Rolf Harris impersonator – hmmmm that being the case why are you clad head to foot in a blackdust sheet?
    On second thoughts don’t answer that we’ll issue a work permit without delay.

  289. 398
    Miss Direction says:

    Constituent: Lord Pearson, will you pay back the £100,000 you coned us out of by claiming that your house in London was your second home ?

    Lord Pearson: Erm . . . she’s wearing a Burkha ! Let’s get her !

  290. 399
    Master Bates says:

    Hand me a tissue, would you ?

  291. 400
    Anonymous says:

    “Nigel, It will work. If we get our activists to dress up in Burkhas and then wonder around leafy villages in middle England chanting anti-British slogans we will upset the villagers and they will flock to UKIP as their saviours, trust me, I am a Lord you know…”

  292. 401
    anonymouse says:

    Pearson: “See-through, Agent Provocateur underneath but with the face covered – that’s my final offer”

    Burkagal: “long-johns in winter?”

    Pearson: “You kidding me – nylon mesh body suit – i’m told they’re warm”

    Burkagal: “This is so sexist”

    Pearson: “The fun stuff always is duck”

  293. 402
    f'uckaduck says:

    Listen Miss Binliner you might think the fact that you took a donkey up the kyhber to get your brownie map reading badge means something in Teatowelland but Baroness Scotland still needs to see the paperwork

  294. 406
    GORDON McBUST(and his amazing magic cheque book) says:

    I really dont think the escort buisness is for you my dear !

  295. 407
    Dick Scratcher says:

    “Why don’t you fuck off back where you belong?”

    “oh, sorry, I didn’t hear the division bell.”

  296. 408
    Anonymous says:

    Sir John Chillcot : “I’m sorry Mr Brown but Im afraid I cant agree to your compromise solution over whether you should appear at this enquiry in secret or not”

  297. 409
    Marcus Aurelius says:

    UKIP clowns commenting on Burqa! You’re supposed to be in favour of individual liberty, you bozzos. It’s your only USP.

    Everyone else in favor of ID cards, ‘elf ‘n’ safety and BIG GOVERNMENT bossing us around.

    Who cares what anyone wears or thinks or says?

    If you are joining the LibLanCon trick of endless petty legislation then you need not expect me to pay the fine to which your pompous, imbecile treasurer made yo liable.

    • 410
      Biggus Dickus says:

      “Who cares what anyone wears or thinks or says? ”

      No one cares what you think either – so you might as well fuck off

  298. 411
    Politically Incorrect Numpty says:

    “You really do have the most beautiful eyes, my dear…”

  299. 412
    Jack Straw's Constituency Agent says:

    “OK, tell me how much it would cost to see what you are wearing under that black thingy…”

  300. 413
    I would not ban the Burch'A in England says:

    I would the Kilt and all who live in them

  301. 414
    Jamijary says:

    Ladies & gentlemen of the press I am delighted to announce that we in Ukip have finally found how to accomadate Ms. Nikki Sinclaire!

Seen Elsewhere

Labour’s Plan to Attack Part-Time Boris | Standard
Ex-Sun Hack Cleared After 582 Days on Bail | MediaGuido
11 Times Boris Denied He Would Stand for Parliament | Buzzfeed
Attacking UKIP’s Posters is Counter-Productive | Guardian
Sarkozy Tried it on With Hollande’s Ex | Times
Another Spare Room Subsidy Cut Success | Harry Phibbs
Rich Now Have Less Leisure Than Poor | Economist
UKIP’s Immigration Policy Promotes Migrant Entrepreneurs | Breitbart
Another Feminist Lecture | Laura Perrins
UKIP Posters Bad Economics But Good Politics | James Delingpole
Tories Losing to UKIP in Scotland | ConHome

Guido-hot-button (1) Guido-hot-button (1)

A confused Nick Griffin says Nigel Farage is a shill for the City, forgetting that City banks want to stay in the EU:

“Farage is a snake oil salesman, but a very good one. His supposed anti-immigration stance is all smoke and mirrors, as is his carefully cultivated image as a ‘man of the people’. The truth is that UKIP is a pro-immigration party that exists to lobby for the interests of the City of London.”

Alexrod says:

It’s money innit.

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