January 18th, 2010

The Toughest Job in Politics

It is apparently “Blue Monday”, according to shrinks today is the most depressing day of the year due to the combination  of factors. Apparently the weather, debt level (personal rather than national), time since Christmas, time since failing new year’s resolutions (Mrs Fawkes hasn’t noticed the disappearing whiskey bottles yet), low motivational levels and feeling of a need to take action. Each year lazy tabloid hacks get a cheap story out of the day, but it must be noted that “Blue Monday” is going to be particularly hard for one woman.

Helen Scott Lidgett is an old friend of Sarah Brown, they used to work together at Sarah’s PR company and then at Brunswick, she has now been bought into the bunker for what must be the toughest job in both politics and PR – giving Gordon an intensive pre-election makeover.  It’s going to take more than airbrushing to turn the Prime Mentalist into someone that can actually be allowed out to meet the general public.

Her predecessor, Nicola Burdett (Sion Simon’s other half), was last heard of recuperating from suspected Nokia-related injuries in Barbados. Guido hopes Helen has the patience of a saint and an ability to duck…


  1. 1
    bosh says:

    Not another relaunch FFS.


  2. 2
    mr shifty says:

    “Her predecessor, Nicola Burdett (Sion Simon’s other half)”

    Nicola Burdett? Is that what he calls his right hand?


  3. 3
    The Dirty Rat says:

    Gordon Brown – The Billion Pound Man.

    We have the technology, we can rebuild him.


    • 56
      albacore says:

      Caution! The Terminator 2010 Series (“Gurning Nasal Excavator”) is programmed to self-destrust on exposure to ballot boxes.


    • 180
      Anonymous says:

      I’d like to rebuild him. With dynamite.


    • 267
      The Hon. Loretto Fettes says:

      I had a nightmare last night that Brown was actually a reasonably normal and approachable person. He therefore had a tiny chance of winning the election.

      I was so happy when I woke up and realised he was still an extremely odd person and a bully and therefore “completely and utterly fucked”.


  4. 4
    Thud Hardbutt says:

    How the f**k are they going to relaunch that stale old twat of a Prime Mentalist? I really pity the poor woman. Actually, scrub that! She is obviously some sadist if she has even contemplated tyaking on this role whilst sober!

    As the saying goes: “You can’t polish a turd!”

    That is all!


    • 75
      Mark Oaten says:

      Polish turds?

      Game on.


    • 76
      Be Afraid says:

      … but you can stick a flag in it. This shower are only in it to stay in power. Anybody who wanted to lead this country into the future with strong ideas, firm conviction and a vision would soon find the ground moving from under there feet. The spin doctors would have a field day, “a toff, wife is rich, kids are druggies, lack of leadership experience, dog shits in the street, they would have a field and people believe this shit. This spin stuff is endemic (Remember when we were fed the line ” Charles and Diana relationship is fine”)
      I find this Labour Party disturbing, Macmillan built a million council houses, this lot none, Thatchers union laws, how many undone? Kids milk, back in the classroom? And yet we have to listen to this mob go on about “the nasty tories”

      The war if its SO important they we all need to get behind the troops raise taxes (vat) to pay for it, for christ sake dont pussyfoot around get the lads the helicopters they need, buy them off the yanks!

      What is to be done? Where is the person who will have the ballsl to stand up and say what THEY are going to do, a positive future, a vision, I suspect this is not going to happen in my lifetime.


      • 112
        The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

        Be Afraid, please remember that the first British Prime Minister to scrap school milk was Harold Wilson in 1968. At the time, UK plc was in the deep soft stuff, fiscally. His Chancellor had to go cap in hand to the IMF. Harold was deperate to save money so he stopped children in secondary school having milk.

        Sadly, the lefties can only remember “Maggie Thatcher, milk snatcher”.


        • 128
          ...be Afraid says:

          … thanks for that info, I will check it out. All these years the Thatcher haters have gone on about “Thatcher the milk snatcher” and the bloody miners… why not blame Scargill… do we blame (West) Germany when we lose at football, no we blame our own team and manager!!


          • The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

            Whilst discussing the Scargill stuff ask your local lefties to explain a. the legality of the pit head ballot. b. Why was the UDM formed and c. the involvement of NACODS.

            This info. is conveniently forgotten cos all they’ve been taught is “Maggie, Maggie, Maggie, Out, Out, Out!”


        • 298

          Ah Maggie … she had far more balls than cast-iron Dave.


      • 129
        AC1 says:

        Where’s this view that VAT isn’t the worst tax?


    • 183
      Bananaheid says:

      It will be like spinning candy floss from dog shite.


    • 199
      V for Vendetta says:

      I suggest a brown paper bag over the head would be a welcome improvement. Preferably with an explosive necklace.


  5. 6
    John Bull says:

    He’ll have to behave himself if she is his wife’s friend. Unless, perish the thought, he’s poking it. Sorry.


    • 80
      Bert the Cert says:

      Blimey I know some women like ugly men but that’s going too far!


      • 300
        Gobshite says:

        Isn’t that how he met Sarah?

        A ‘sexually liberated’ hippy in a time of severe mental crisis…

        Go on Gordon, give her one over the desk!


  6. 7
    blue labour says:

    Blue Monday? Let’s hope it’s a blue new year all round.


    • 62
      Dick the Prick says:

      I was fine until I got on the loser cruiser (bus to you lot) and happily reading about Mo Mowlam in yesterday’s Observer Review (brave lass and a half) when 3 utter scumbags sat a few seats in front of me and started gibbering the most inane shit ever. Plus, and this was the instant killer, the scummy Hoons had matted hair like they’d not washed for fucking weeks – I nearly vomitted there and then.

      I may write into BBC and suggest a companion to great railway journeys – utter shite bus ordeals.


  7. 8
    Anonymous says:

    “Helen Scott Lidgett is an old friend of Sarah Brown…”
    Mm, is she a lesbian as well then?


  8. 9
    Gordon Brown says:

    I am just writing a Good Luck greetings card to David Cameron


    • 21
      Bingo says:

      We’ve been through this Gordon, if you write a good luck card to Cameron in the hope that it will provide him with the opposite, the curse of Jonah will simply rebound onto you. Thus even more bad luck luck for you. Simple.

      Stick to seething in darkened rooms and crunching those pills, old boy.


      • 89
        Gordon Brown says:

        Just wait and watch Prime Ministers Question Time this week.

        I will “airbrush” the Tory Toff out of existence and his face will be redder than usual


  9. 10
    unelected nutter says:

    Thanks to McMental we’ve got depression every fucking day of the week.


  10. 11
    tax is taxing says:

    surprised nokia havent developed a shock proof phone … one that will take the impacts as well as the UK debt figures without falling apart


  11. 12
    Hugh Janus says:

    I make it another nineteen Blue Mondays before we see the back of our puffed up and utterly incompetent PM. Sounds a lot, but when compared with what we have already had to put up with….


  12. 13

    im sure someone looking like Helen won the 2:45 at Kempton park on Saturday


  13. 14
    Anon says:

    You can’t polish a turd, and certainly not one as big as McMental.


  14. 17
    Wight Tory says:

    Not so much airbrushing, more like sandblasting….


  15. 18
    JohnRS says:

    So who’s paying for this latest hanger-on then?


  16. 19
    jgm2 says:

    Who is paying for this makeover woman? The Labour Party or the taxpayer?


    • 134
      AC1 says:

      I’m guessing that is a rhetorical question?

      BTW. See if you can spot the BBC Narrative reinforcement in the third paragraph of this.



      • 149
        jgm2 says:

        Tee hee. ‘In the recession the banks made’. Yes indeed. The recession they made by lending too much money to imbeciles who would never be able to pay it back. A recession that will be stopped as soon as they get back to lending 2007 levels of money…. to imbeciles who can’t pay it back.

        It would be so much funnier if I was watching this from Switzerland.


        • 207
          • Old Nick Heavenly(real dimwit) says:

            Sheer smugness from Belgium, a wonderful country!

            It’s sad, it’s fascinating, it’s a once in a lifetime event watching the putrefaction of a once great nation,

            but seriously, it’s your own fault

            and I can only muster the very slightest giving of a monkeys fuck!

            That’s News did you get the sure fire cure for arthritis that I posted?
            End of Sundays thread!


      • 278
        The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

        Aah, Yes.. the Scottish Parliament building. As it’s you guv, no more than forty mill. Ooops sorry that should be four hundred mill!!

        Britain’s olympic stadium. As it’s you guv no more than 2.7 billion. Ooops sorry that should be ten billion.

        And as for that Fred the Shred, how come he can cause such a cock up get a gold plated pension and then swan off into a highly paid “advisory” job? I thought that was only for clapped out politicians?


    • 231
      Cynical B******D says:

      That is actually a very good question.

      I wonder whether some Whitehall warrior has pledged public money to that?

      If he has, his dept will the first exterminated – they obviously have too large a budget.

      If the labout Party are paying for the makeover, they must be paying in bottle tops, air miles and lose change from down the back of the sofa.


  17. 20
    Cheese Lover says:

    “Bought” into the bunker. I’m sure lots of money is changing hands, but did you perchance mean ‘brought’?


  18. 23
    Groucho says:

    Surely this is the PR assignment from hell.

    When old friend Sarah asked her if she could make Gordon appear to be normal, Helen’s heart must have sank.

    An impossible task that was impossible to refuse!


  19. 24
    Jonny Jimmy says:

    New Gordo poster out! :)



  20. 24
    Sir William Waad says:

    Gordon might respond better to a more confident approach rather than Ms Lidgett being patient. He is a bully, but insecure, so establishing a degree of conditional dominance over him at the beginning is essential, i.e. she must take charge of all matters relating to image and presentation. Mandelson has already done this. “You’re going to be humiliated if you don’t do what I say” is the line for her to take.

    Brown and Cameron are both more attractive to women than to men, I think.


    • 31
      Anon says:

      “…so establishing a degree of conditional dominance over him at the beginning is essential…”

      She gets to ride on top then?


  21. 29
    Ancient Proverb says:

    You can’t polish a turd.


    • 53
      The Dirty Rat says:

      In theory it could be electroplated.
      Of course it would involve attaching electrodes and immersing in acid. Sounds like a great idea to me.


      • 86
        South of the M4 says:

        I’d go for the dip in the galvanising bath.


      • 292
        Airey Belvoir says:

        The Royal Navy has a Royal Turd, collected on Britannia, freeze-dried and sprayed gold. The top brass have been trying to hunt it down, without success, for years. It’s collection was a matter of observation, perfect timing at the outlet and involved a trial run with a potato. AireyBelvoirtrufact.


    • 71
      turd polisher undergrad says:

      You mean to say I’m taking this course and there won’t be a job at the end of it?


  22. 32
    Groucho says:

    “Mandrake disclosed this month that Scott Lidgett had taken a temporary leave of absence from Brunswick, the public relations firm..”

    I think this is a typo – it should have read “…Scott Lidgett had taken temporary leave of her senses…”


    • 42
      mandy's makeovers says:

      With a double barreled name like that, she must get special dispensation to enter Gordon’s bunker.


    • 42
      Engineer says:

      Do people who take on these impossible tasks do so out of some need to test the limits of human endurance (like walking to the south pole dragging half-a-ton of supplies on a sledge), or out of latent masochism? Or are they just too daft to recognise an impossibility?


      • 84
        South of the M4 says:

        Nope. They are just getting on the public purse gravy train. Their charges increase 20%, and they cannot lose. Whatever the outcome, payment comes.
        Sound business move by whatever her name is. She sure does not give a *uck about the imbecile that is her client – or about the train-wreck he continues to make of the economy et al.


        • 279
          Willie says:

          Maybe the light has gone on? Without GB in charge the public teat to pay the NGO/Tranzi/Fake Charity/Climate Changer/Focus Group/Trade Union or any other useles sponging Labour voting wankfesters will soon have no money and the similar PR firms no clients.
          And the Grauniad no ads.


  23. 35
    Clarence says:

    And you, Mr. and Ms. Taxpayer, are paying for this Number Ten turd-polishing exercise.


  24. 37
    Mike Rouse says:

    How strange. I’ve not felt as good as I do today for ages.

    Though today is Blue Monday, the actual suicide rates don’t peak until a couple of months from now. What starts today ends later, as it were.


  25. 39
    DisgustedOfMitcham2 says:

    Toughest job in politics?

    Nah. Sounds like the toughest job in the universe. Seriously, where would you start?


  26. 40
    Anonymous says:

    Liebour Party Manifesto 1997

    Note number nine in particular without laughing if possible.

    1. Education will be our number one priority, and we will increase the share of national income spent on education as we decrease it on the bills of economic and social failure

    2. There will be no increase in the basic or top rates of income tax

    3. We will provide stable economic growth with low inflation, and promote dynamic and competitive business and industry at home and abroad

    4. We will get 250,000 young unemployed off benefit and into work

    5. We will rebuild the NHS, reducing spending on administration and increasing spending on patient care

    6. We will be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime, and halve the time it takes persistent juvenile offenders to come to court

    7. We will help build strong families and strong communities, and lay the foundations of a modern welfare state in pensions and community care

    8. We will safeguard our environment, and develop an integrated transport policy to fight congestion and pollution

    9. We will clean up politics, decentralise political power throughout the United
    Kingdom and put the funding of political parties on a proper and accountable basis

    10. We will give Britain the leadership in Europe which Britain and Europe need


    • 45
      The Dirty Rat says:

      They really were aving a larf!


    • 54
      Under a flower pot at the bottom of the garden until that c'nt brown calls the General Election says:

      5 is pretty hilarious too given the explosion in the number of managers and administrators.


    • 57
      The IMF is coming says:

      Failed on each one


    • 64
      DisgustedOfMitcham2 says:

      Not a great record of keeping to them, is it? One thing surprised me about that list, however. I had no idea that they could even spell “integrated transport policy”, but apparently they can. Shame they have no idea what it means.


    • 107
      Brown - going going GONE says:

      No.6 – tough on crime;

      So let’s all remember the mother who killed her daughter and herself when the police never helped protect her.

      And let’s remember the countless people targeted by feral scum while the police do nothing.

      And we must not forget the man put in prison because he hit the criminals who invaded his house and tied his family up.

      Gordon Brown – you odious lump of excrement – you will be smashed in to tiny bits at the election you so fear to call – you utter coward.

      Come down to our part of England and we shall give you and your protection mob a fine welcome.


      • 245

        Not to mention the texting Labour peer who killed someone on the motorway then got off with two weeks in a holiday camp, of course.

        Or the Deputy Leader of the Labour Party who hit a parked car while on the phone but somehow got off with a fine and only 3 points.

        Or the Labour Baroness who employed an illegal immigrant cleaner without checking her details.

        Or… you get my drift.


        • 259
          Anon says:

          Or the former PM who lied to the people and Parliament in order to get us involved in an illegal war?

          By the way, our Tone (aka The Grinning Chimp) will be lying to the Chilcot Enquiry on the 29th.


    • 282
      Moley says:

      Pledge number 1.

      Spend more money.

      Nothing at all about standards.

      We should have read it properly.


  27. 41
    Alan Douglas says:

    Sion Simom HAS an other half ? No accounting for taste there either then !

    Alan Douglas


  28. 48
    The IMF is coming says:

    Get fit – go jogging. Tick
    Present smiling exterior. Tick
    Get ‘with it’ – mention current pop groups such as ‘The Artic Monkeys’. Tick. TV Shows, such as ‘Britain’s got talent’. Tick.
    Dress smartly. Tick.

    Done all this, still manages to be a knob and mess it up.


    • 181
      Biffo says:

      D’you believe Gordon really goes jogging? Like fuck – it’s just one of his ‘lies’ to try & appear ‘normal’. That turd would keel over from a heart attack before he got halfway around the first block.


  29. 51
    TheCourtOfPublicOpinion says:

    This could be fun. Wasn’t the amazingly successful 2012 logo design job given to “old friends of Sarah Brown” too?


  30. 55
    • 68
      DisgustedOfMitcham2 says:

      Lucky his name wasn’t Mustahpa Jihad, or he’d have been locked up for 20 years on the basis of that.


    • 91
      Purpleline says:

      Come on readers and Mr Guido, you chaps on Twitter, let’s get this up on the top to embarrsse this country

      England the new East Germany



    • 220
      Groucho says:

      What kind of utter fuckwit would have taken this ‘threat’ seriously?

      Its terrifying to think of the powers that have been granted to such cretins under NuLabour.


  31. 60
    Chuck E Egg says:

    On the pretext of taking him “jogging” get him down near the canal, pull his pants around his ankles and push him in, followed quickly by a four draw Bisley cabinet


  32. 67
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Crate of sow’s ears been delivered to number ten
    ” solely for practice purposes”


  33. 74
    yacht boy says:

    Yeah, from a distance we can see that you’re a total fucking knob.


  34. 81
    Bert the Cert says:

    I notice you said “bought” into the bunker Guido. Wonder what this is costing the taxpayer.


    • 175
      Bewildebeest says:

      A lot of people (particularly in the meeja) seem to think that bought and brought are interchangeable. A sign of sloppiness or a low intellect. I’ll forgive Guido this once.


  35. 82
    Mr Plum says:

    Cameron wants to make teaching a noble profession.
    Does that mean more women teachers.


  36. 94
    Hugh Janus says:

    O/T but:


    Let’s hope that she continues to fight it so that we can get Baroness Scotland into court for cross-examination. Or will the CPS drop it ‘because it isn’t in the public interest’?? The hell it is!!


  37. 96
    Silver Jackass says:

    This is one of the happiest days of the year for me.
    It is my sweethearts birthday.
    Our first date was on 29th April 1963-17102 days ago.
    We are off to Liverpool shortly to the Hard Days Night Hotel.



  38. 97
    What a laugh says:

    Well,you certainly can’t design a decent website – we are pissing ourselves here looking at this dreadful example – utter rubbish.


  39. 98
    channel 4 executive says:

    Hey I have a great idea for a new reality show starting late May 2010

    ‘Make Gordon Brown A Normal Human Being’

    Week 1 – detox, get him off those pills
    Week 20 – anger management ( sponsored by Nokia )
    Week 25 – embrace you innner homosexuality
    Week 30 – how to smile at the right time
    Week 42 – how to hold a conversation with dinner guests
    Week 45 – a tie in with ‘How to Look Good Naked’

    Any other episode ideas ???


  40. 115
    genghiz the kahn says:

    tall order sowing brown as a normal, well adjusted human being. he turns up at primary schools, for a stage managed ohoto shoot, but somehow he avoids taking questions, in effect the kids are human shields protecting brown from scrutiny.

    there was a news clip recently when the great man arrives at a school, but parents had seen him and were booing loudly. then again he was booed at wembly with merkel, booed by dday veterams in june, which makes me wonder what sort of reaction he received at the last football match he saw – was it man u v everton?

    however the new pr guru should be presented with this quote from marr’s old hag.

    ” But one leading minister, asked for an assessment following the attempted coup, says simply: “We are fucked. We are so fucked, completely and utterly fucked.” Just now, that is a pretty sober assessment.”

    how does she sort that one out?

    but brown would be more concerned about getting one over on the ‘leading minister’.


    • 120
      Thats News says:

      It’s a bit late to start this job, now!


    • 121
      Andrew (I shall ask the question and then interrupt you) Marr says:

      Sorry,which one of Marr’s hags is that?

      The one we are supposed to know about or the one we cannot mention?

      To quote Sybil;

      “Do you really believe in your wildest dreams that a girl like this could possibly be interested in an aging, Brilliantine, stick-insect like yourself?”


      • 127
        genghiz the kahn says:

        it is in the grauniad masquerading as political comment.


        • 143
          Question master says:

          Why the big secret over Marr’s “arrangements”?


          • jgm2 says:

            It’s one way of keeping Marr ‘on-side’ for his regular Sunday chats with the Maximum Imbecile. Nice easy pre-prepared questions to give Brown an excuse to reel out his monologues and tractor stats.

            And, in return Andrew, we’ll make sure the injunctions stay in place.


    • 217
      Talwin says:

      Maybe she’ll have a quick word with Dougie Alexander who can explain that even the PLP don’t like Brown, so the popularity thing might be a bit tricky..


  41. 116
    jgm2 says:

    If your definition of a ‘real man’ is a purple-faced, heart-attack-in-waiting then Alex Salmond fits the bill.

    Would you like another curry to go with that banquet of nationalist bile Alex?


  42. 122
    Angry Englishman says:

    If her job is to get Brown electable, she will have to become an expert in postal votes and othe “techniques” for improving Labour’s performance without actually persuading anyone to to vote for them.

    In reality she will just increase the Labour Party’s overdraft and not affect the election outcome at all. Everyone despises Brown and it’s too late to change it (for reference I have hated Brown since I first was made aware of him in the late 80’s).


    • 131
      Brown - not long now says:

      Gordon Brown – the most hated man in Great Britain.

      Booed by British war veterans on the D Day beaches.

      Booed everywhere he goes.

      Despised by everyone.

      Gordon Brown – soon to be the ex-unelected PM.


      • 140
        Anonymous says:

        Don’t forget, he is also boohed (metaphoricaly) by his own Labour Cabinet.


      • 145
        Doris says:

        Don’t forget to mention that Brown is a spineless coward with a marked absence of courage. Oh, he also tells big lies and is permanently engulfed with hate and envy. And this is a man who says he is a christian!!! He clearly doesn’t know the meaning of the word.


      • 153
        Brown's Buggered Britain says:

        It’s just possible he might be able to boost his personal ratings if he died – maybe worth a try Gordon?


  43. 124
    The Bottle Fed Triplet says:

    So let’s get this straight, she had a fake stamp in her passport and a forged document to allow her to stay in this country, but, she says she did not have them to commit fraud? So, er.. why did she have them in the first place?


  44. 138
    Sir William Waad says:

    Scott Lidgett – I liked her in The English Patient and Gosford Park.


    • 190
      streamfisher says:

      The English Patient , is that the one where they get hit by a Brown truck and end up on a life support machine?


  45. 141
    AC1 says:

    He IS a socialist,
    Narcissist Personality Disorder TICK.
    Class-War Envy TICK
    Projection (just one of his mental issues).
    Last he falsely believes he can spend money more wisely than the people that earned it.


  46. 146
    Brown's Buggered Britain says:

    Her best strategy might be to tape up his mouth, put a paper bag over his head and stand him in a corner – and hope everyone forgets about the cretin.


  47. 150
    Anonymous says:

    If you had to constantly manouvre, plot, lie, spin deceive all to the jeers of onlookers to desperately hang on to a job would it not occur to you that you may not be cut out for the job?


  48. 154
    Batty Hattie Hamanescu says:

    If she has real confidence in her ability to make Gordon Brown electable, she might take the assignment on a no win – no fee basis. Wonder if she has?

    Fact is, the election is not there for Brown to win, no matter what the make over, but will be for Cameron to lose, a possibility not to be discounted.


    • 160
      jgm2 says:

      Indeed not. Look at Neil Kinnock.

      Do you think a victorious Brown would appoint Cameron an EU minister as a reward for throwing the election?

      Would he fuck.


      • 288
        Batty Hattie Harmanescu says:

        He is not just trying throw the election, he, along with other opposition leaders, has been a blessing for New Labour with their inept, incompetent, lazy and poor performance in opposition.

        And yes, I can quite see David (Blair) Cameron taking a job as EU minister.


  49. 164
    Cato Street Conspirator says:

    Daily Telegraph June 2007: ‘Recently it was suggested that Helen Scott Lidgett, who runs Brunswick Arts PR, where Sarah used to work, would take over the Carole Caplin role. “It’s a joke,” says Scott Lidgett, who first knew Sarah when she taught at Camden, after which Sarah went to Bristol to read psychology. “People are bound to try to cast people in the roles Cherie created. Sarah isn’t like that.”‘

    So even the one who wants to convince us he isn’t a liar lies.


  50. 167
    Anonymous says:

    The BBC digs itself out of a hole

    An attempt to jazz up Gardeners’ World – part of the corporation’s relentless quest for younger viewers – alienated millions of green-fingered viewers, says Olga Craig.

    Just what they have done to working lunch and Countryfile. Does any one learn anything any more from these programmes? I used to but what a waste of time now.

    How long before songs of praise is replaced by “A call to Mecca”.

    Yet another reason why I hope the corridors of the BBC are strewn with cynanide pill wrappers after the next election.


  51. 169
    nell says:

    Well I think Nigel Farage is right about discouraging the use of the burkha.

    But in gordon’s case I think the burkha is scott-lidgett’s only option for covering up his immense flaws.


    • 195
      Anonymous says:

      The woman who was arguing with Farage said they would take their Burkhas off for security reasons. I do not believe that for a minute, they would go screaming to the authorities if a shopkeeper told them to take the Burkha off so that they could be identified by his CCTV .


      • 214
        anon,anon,anon.... says:

        To knock this on the head. Get a good sized burka and trawl Oxford street shops. Make sure you are CCTV’d hiding a few fur coats underneath and then claim your human rights have been violated when store detectives ask you to reveal what’s underneath.


    • 264
      Granny smith says:



  52. 176
    Dave Cameron says:

    My wife has stopped having sex with me.
    Because I only have a 3 inch cock, she said could not see the point of it!..


  53. 184
    Confused of Kew says:

    If this woman turns Gordon into a silk purse then she will be able to write her own cheques for evermore.

    But Why buy in a woman, Gordon already has a wife doesn’t he?


  54. 187
    Colonel Nut says:

    Even Dr Frankenstein wouldn’t be able to breathe new life into Brown though a few new body parts and a bolt through his neck might broaden his appeal.


  55. 189
    Ancient Proverb says:

    Behind every successful man there is a wise woman


  56. 194
    Mordechai Rumkowski says:

    Nice to see people turning to the Daily Mail as an authority. It bodes well


    • 229
      Richard ChimneyVox Populi says:

      ********************THE GORD’S PRAYER********************

      Our Pariah, which art in Downing Street,

      Hated be thy name.

      Thy government come,

      Our Nation’s wealth go, in 2010 as in the 1970’s.

      Give us this day our daily soundbites

      And forgive us our tirading against those who tyrannise against us

      And lead us not into another term of office,

      But deliver us from evil

      For thine is the catastrophe, the penury and the gloom

      For ever and ever. Amen.


  57. 197
    Anonymous says:

    Has Nicola been sacked? Or is this yet another drain on the taxpayer?


    • 208
      La' says:

      Would you have hired Nicola? – has made Brown even worse and hasnt had any noticable effect her twat of a partner Sion ‘proppa blogga’ Simon


  58. 205
    Things can only get better says:

    Just heard a 5 minute interview of Peter Watt on WatO with Martha NuKearney after an intro about Zanu’s GE past campaigns and she spent the first 3 mins castiagting him about his lack of due diligence when Gen Sec of Zanu on donations before asking his opinion about the forthcoming GE campaign!!

    WTF Martha, why don’t you treat Mandlescum and other Zanu criminal types the same when you interview them, you biased silly woman!!!


  59. 212
    Anonymous says:

    The Undertaker says…..

    A makeover for Gordon certainly. I recommend embalming. My rates are very reasonable.


  60. 215
    Sir William Waad says:

    Nicknames, now…Hot Widget? Gordon Not Fidget? Scott lig-it?


  61. 219
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Get him some really loud kipper ties…….didn’t do Sir John Harvey-Jones any harm. At least little children will see him coming.


  62. 221
    Angry of SE1 says:

    Ot – Peter Watt revealed on Sunday the existence of a £50,000 fund raised by the Labour Party and assigned personally to GB for personal polling ( See conshome – leftwatch) – any connection between this and our old friends Deborah Mallinson and the Smith Institute?

    Would like to hear your thoughts!!


  63. 222
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Guido. Let’s have a competition for the first person to ‘spot-the-difference’.


  64. 227
    The Beast of Clerkenwell says:

    I dont wish to be crude, but what man here would want a wank off that dog?
    Slag Tone off as much as you like but apart from his wife he had decent taste when it came from getting a quick oil enhanced hand shandy from a north london “therapist”


  65. 230
    Gordon ( SoldGoldAtThe ) BottomBrown says:

    A makeover ?? Sarah tweeted to me that I was going to get a fake over ?


  66. 232
    dr. sipp says:

    kabul in flames—-capital

    looks like afghanistan isnt secure yet


  67. 233
    ZaNuLiebor Elf N Safety Department says:

    ….and an ability to duck

    Might we suggest that a Kevlar bunker suit will help.


  68. 236
    Kevin Pietersen says:

    From one English success to another, I’m supporting Gordon Brown!


  69. 237
    Antony Gormley says:

    I wonder if, when you have finished with Gordon Brown, I could have him as my one hundred and first statue on the beach at Formby. It’s known as ” Another Place ” and you could kid him he is going to the House of Lords……He won’t be able to tell the difference. I’m sure the local scousers will find something to hang on him.


    • 253
      Brown - as much charisam as a fallen Stalin statue. says:

      Yeah – send ‘im up ‘ere.

      We can hang himself on himself,if you get my drift,like.


      • 266
        anon,anon,anon.... says:

        Are you related to ‘ Brown – as much charisma as a fallen Sadam statue’ by any chance?


  70. 238
    Anonymous says:


    in this article it mentions that Gordon was always losing his mobile phone – which irritated him.
    We know where they went, don’t we?


  71. 239
    tat says:

    grendel brown needs a psychiatrist, not a make-over.


  72. 242
    Helen Scott Lidgett says:

    I just want to make it quite clear that I am not a CIA Common Purpose stooge.


  73. 244
    allan akhbar says:

    you cant make a silk purse out of a deranged cock sniffing embarrassment like brown……..how the fuck does he live with himself?

    every word he says is a lie and his marriage was arranged by one of his aides!

    check out the photo of him in shitistan-

    looks like he should be in broadmoor!


  74. 250
    Cynical B******D says:

    3 Surgeons are playing golf.

    The first one tells a story about a bloke who lost his arm in a factory, how the surgeon sewed it back on in a 9 hour operation, and how the guy is now a world class tennis player.

    The second tells a story about a bloke who lost his leg in a farm machinery, how the surgeon sewed it back on in a 15 hour operation, and how the guy is now a world class long distance runner.

    The third tells a story about a bloke who lost his head in a car accident, how the surgeon tried to sew it back on in a 19 hour operation, but failed. In desperation they got an old turnip, drew a smiley face, stuck a bit of a wig on it and it seemed to work. Unfortunately the guy is now the PM.


  75. 260
    Sir Trev Skint MP says:

    This is a non-story! Apparently the whole thing has been misinterpreted. Sarah simply told a friend she was going to have her arsole made-over.


  76. 265
    jgm2 says:

    One for the connoisseurs…




  77. 272
    anon,anon,anon.... says:

    Whu does the Baroness have her hair straightened and not her face?


  78. 273
    Cannon Fodder says:

    re 171 Doris above:–

    Talking of guns. First time I was in The USA on business I booked a cab from the hotel to get to the company office. I started chatting to the driver.
    He told me he’d just got out of prison for murder. Bloody hell I thought what do I do now? Keep calm I said to myself it’s not a long journey, so I just kept chatting. Yea he said “my wife & kids left me because of the drink and drugs, so I tried to kill myself. I got the gun to my head & pulled the trigger AND MISSED”. “The bullet hit the guy across the street and killed him, so I spent 10 years in jail”. “Tough deal” I said as I gave him a very big tip and ran into the office.

    And the moral of the story is…. No point in giving Gordon a gun, the incompetent bar steward would miss. If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself.


  79. 275
    Alan Douglas says:

    Wanted : Turd Polisher and Bottom Knocker
    To work on a confidential project in the deepest
    guts of the Labour Party. 6-month contract.

    Persons of a darker appearance will find
    this job very rewarding. We are an equal
    poopertunity employer.

    She looks highly qualified.And could then make
    a fortune on a new version of “What’s My Line”.

    Alan Douglas


  80. 291
    Jimmy says:

    “It is apparently “Blue Monday”, according to shrinks today is the most depressing day of the year due to the combination of factors.”

    Perhaps you should stagger the timetable so that Rich’n’Mark and Guy TV don’t appear on the same day.


  81. 297
    oldrightie says:

    She looks like a bloke. Mind you if anyone could polish a turd she looks a candidate who might enjoy trying.


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