December 4th, 2009

‘The John Bercow Guide’ on How to Pick Up Drunk Women

Yesterday Mrs Bercow told the Standard of her “ladette” two bottles of wine and one night stands past. Many often wonder how the pint-sized Speaker managed to end up with the six foot something “cross between Jerry Hall, Lady Macbeth and Eva Peron” and now thanks to this morning’s Metro everything becomes clearer:

Speaker John Bercow has been credited as the author of a sex tip guide which told men how to “pick up drunk girls … ‘The John Bercow Guide’ to understanding women” appeared in ‘Armageddon’, a Conservative student magazine, in 1986 – when Bercow was a Lambeth councillor. The guide included categories on ‘How to pick up drunk girls’, ‘How to pick up virgins’, ‘How to pick up refined girls’, ‘How to get rid of a girl during sex’ and ‘How to get rid of a girl after sex’.

Like global warming, the John Bercow Guide’s pick-up strategies are an interesting theory.  Guido isn’t entirely sure lines like “If you’re free later maybe we could go back to your place and name your breasts” ever really work.  In fact funnily enough Guido can’t recall Bercow even having a girlfriend back in those days.  Anyway he has done well to land an experienced girl like Sally, particularly now she has sobered up.

Guido thinks Sally looks vaguely familiar, but it was over a decade ago, Guido was very, very drunk that night and was never good at remembering names…

UPDATE : Bad Al Campbell, another reformed drunk, is sticking up for Sally. What a surprise…


  1. 1
    Mrs. Iain Dale says:

    oh matron, i’m first!


  2. 2
    Mr Ned says:

    Vote for farage to defeat this little fuckwit


    • 12
      Road_Hog says:

      If I lived in Buckingham I would.


    • 34
      Pickled Eric says:

      Farage who? Not that little Twit who always sounds mad when he comes on the telly.Bercow is far superior to him,even though he is a Tory.


      • 92
        BROWNED OFF says:

        Nigel Farage isn’t little.


      • 160
        Number 6 says:

        Eric, Bercow is just another EU cocksucker in a long line of blow job whores from Heath through Kinnock to Mandy I am voting UKIP to cut off their access to the knob they love to slobber on.


        • 178
          Anonymous says:

          Me too.
          And once the Tories realise that their polling lead is being cut because of defectors to UKIP (just like you and I ?) rather than any increase in the support of ZaNU then they might just realise that “support” for EU cesspool may just cost them an overall majority in May 2010.
          There is a solution, Dave.
          Guess what it is ?


  3. 3
    Sir William Waad says:

    He: “Am I the first man you ever made love to?”

    She: “Could be…your face looks familiar.”


    • 91
      TaT's 'special' Gay Friend says:

      She allegedly used to mumble during intoxicated sex.
      “And do you all play for the same team?”


    • 150
      Cyco Billy says:

      3 caption competitions in one day? Oh alright then.

      Which one of these is these is humming ‘Roll me over in the clover’?

      The unspeakable in pursuit of the inedible.


  4. 4
    concrete pump says:

    Phwoaarr !!!! I would, at the drop of a hat.

    Has Bercow got a ten incher or something.


    • 21
      smig says:

      Yes, but its hanging off his head.


    • 44
      Engineer says:

      Just a very active tongue.


    • 82
      Andy Carpark says:

      John Bercow first came to public prominence on TV-am in 1983 as Roland Rat’s sidekick, Kevin the Gerbil (catch-phrase: ‘Nyiiii! Number one rat fan!”). He then faded into obscurity, doing various odd-jobs such as punching the holes in cream crackers and working as a marshal at Romford Dog Stadium, before bouncing back into the limelight as Speaker of the House of Commons on the strength of a barnstorming speech read from placards held up by his old mucker, Errol the Hamster.

      Hobbies listed in Who’s Who include Pilates, shove-ha’penny and badger taxidermy.


    • 89
      Sir William Waad says:

      He is following official Tory policy and “doing more with less.”


    • 90
      Pickled Wizard says:

      Put your hat back on, get in the queue, and act like a civilised Englishman!


  5. 6
    Lord Carrington's binoculars says:

    Like global warming…..

    Indeed, indeed.

    Check out this piece of pro-Labour propoganda on the BBC website

    The rich have the biggest carbon footprints in the UK

    By David Thompson

    Politics Show…

    …..this piece includes a colour graphic of the supposed CO2 output of the UK by local volume, and includes this gem in the text.

    ‘David Cameron’s Witney constituency is up there at number 37. The Doncaster North seat of Ed Miliband, the Environment Secretary, is a lowly 432 out of the 646 parliamentary constituencies. He’ll be on the Politics Show this Sunday.’

    Red Dave follows this up with this thinly-disguised line

    ‘For politicians, this data presents two problems. They must find a way of turning good intentions into changed behaviour – to put it glibly, how to stop people driving their 4x4s to the bottle bank.’

    David Cameron, high CO2 output, 4x4s, bottle bank greens….eh? eh? gedditt?

    BBC eh? Wot a bunch of c*nts.


    • 15
      Mr Ned says:

      This is what the Canadian version of the BBC is reporting about “climategate”

      And these guys are just as left wing as the BBC. Canadians are reporting their shock at seeing some truth on the CBC!


    • 18
      Road_Hog says:

      Were obviously not giving the right sort of comment on the BBC’s have your say on climate change.

      Total comments 620
      Published 96
      Rejected 3
      Someone sitting there with their finger up their are not accepting comments 521


    • 49
      lol says:

      I don’t use the 4×4 to go to the bottle bank – I use the BMW


      • 60
        Ferrari owner says:

        A BMW?
        How common


      • 62
        smig says:

        BMW X5 per chance?


      • 64
        Dr Moheki (Witch Doctor, ten years experience)) says:

        HEAR ME NOW

        Climate change is the eugenics of the 21 st century

        They will catalogue every activity and action and give it a carbon signature and then tax you and control what you can do you via your overall output within this system.

        In theory middle class to rich people with one child will not be producing the same carbon output as a poor family with three children. Yet as the system can be rigged whoever and whatever government and ideology sees fit then expect to see the middle classes and rich taxed to pay for the poors fecklessness.

        As more poor = more votes in theory.


        • 137
          TaT's 'special' Gay Friend says:

          anti-science fuckwit
          f*ck off and tell us evolution is bullsh*t while you’re at it wanker


        • 162
          Anonymous says:

          Agreed, all this carbon bullshit is just another excuse for the socialists to exert more tax and control. I used to love this country now I fucking hate it.


        • 174
          Zacaroo says:

          Carbon tax is Cameron’s idea. Silly man, he has to put electricity into his wind turbine so that it turns round to make people think he is green.


    • 67
      Sir William Waad says:

      I can’t imagine that anyone could calculate these figures with even the accuracy of, say, one of Anatole Kaletsky’s economic forecasts in The Times. They probably made it up from a few vaguely relevant statistics such as average size of house, number of cars etc. It certainly can’t be based on observations, like real science. In other words it’s hogwash.


  6. 7
    Dave "Cast Iron Guarantee" Cameron says:

    I just can’t wait for Sally to start “naming and shaming”

    Wasn’t it Christine Keeler who said”Life’s better under the Conservatives” and you know I think she was fight


    • 37
      Sweet Rose says:

      Guido,shame on you for suggesting that you might have known this woman.A gentleman never tells.


      • 78
        Sukyspook says:

        “Guido,shame on you for suggesting that you might have known this woman.A gentleman never tells.”

        Yes Guido – after your comment:

        “Guido thinks Sally looks vaguely familiar, but it was over a decade ago, Guido was very, very drunk that night and was never good at remembering names…”

        I expect you’ve received a ‘slap on head’ from Mrs Fawkes – and quite rightly so!! Here’s one from me too “slaps” – (hard)!


    • 93
      Pickled Wizard says:

      Handy her being in PR, what with all those ‘phone boxes to advertise in.


  7. 8
    tom tom says:

    she did’nt shag the horse as well, did she?


  8. 9
    Technomist says:

    O/T but interesting. The Labour Party in Leyton and Wanstead (Harry Cohen’s seat) is imploding


  9. 10
    Anonymous says:

    It was the right thing to do


  10. 11
    Speaker Bercow says:

    I’m just back from the dentist and the bastard left me with a swollen face.

    I don’t suppose I should have been fucking his daughter in the chair though.


  11. 13
    James says:

    Ha! My estimation of him has improved!

    I still think he’s a better Speaker than Martin. It would still be funny to see Farage boot him out though – not because I hate Bercow, but Farage makes me howl!

    Farage for Speaker.


    • 30
      Hugh Janus says:

      “I still think he’s a better Speaker than Martin.”

      Christ on a bike – no one could be any worse, surely?


  12. 13
    Man With a Very Hot Bladder says:

    Looks like the Bercows have the morals of baboons.


  13. 16
    Trollop says:

    An amazing PR stance, really amazing.

    The most amazing thing is it will work!


  14. 20
    Hugh Janus says:

    Not only do we have a PM who is a national and international laughing stock, we also have a Speaker who now seriously tarnishes yet another great office of state.

    GE now, for a good clear-out of these utter Hoons.


  15. 23
    Kezza the Hat says:

    I do hope the horse is sober.


  16. 29
    Speaker Bercow says:

    Stop me if you’ve heard this one before

    Mr Cadbury met Ms Rowntree on a Double Decker, it was just After Eight.
    They got off at Quality Street, in front of the Fisherman’s Friend Pub.
    He asked her name ”Polo” she said in a quiet Wispa ”I’m the one with the hole”
    ”I’m Marathon” he replied ”The one with the nuts!”
    Then he couldn’t help himself, he grabbed her Creme Eggs, they checked into a hotel.
    He slipped his hand down her Snickers and felt her Milky Way, he fondled her Flap Jacks
    and she rubbed his Tic-Tacs.
    It was a Fab moment and she let out a scream of sheer Turkish Delight!

    Sadly though 3 days later his Sherbet Fountain had started to drip, turns out Ms Rowntree
    had been with Bertie Basset and he had Allsorts!!


  17. 32
  18. 39
    Randy SpAD says:

    So all i need to do is buy her a drink and she’ll be sucking my nob in the westminster bogs.



  19. 42
    Verticaly challenged Bercow chats up the missus says:

    Bercow:Can I smell your pussy?

    Mrs Bercow: no you can’t

    Bercow: Oh, it must be your feet then


  20. 46
    The heavyweight champs of pie eating says:

    Anyone listen to the clash of the pie eating titans this morning?

    Prescott V Pickles Radio 4 = right laugh


    • 53
      Hugh Janus says:

      Humphrys very one-sided though – plenty of challenges to Pickles, hardly any to the fat oaf.


      • 80
        While You're Down There says:

        I loved listening to John “Two Banjoes” Prescott talking about class on the Toady programme. What effin class has he ever had or demonstrated, eh?

        Still, all in all, I suppose he has done alright for a Secondary Modern lad.


      • 84
        mondeoman says:

        As the country sinks under the pile of debt loaded on by this cr*p government they pull out the politics of envy and class cards, what utter s**ts they really are!


        • 97
          While You're Down There says:

          Funny (yuk not ha-ha) how the trendy-liberal elite think its perfectly acceptable to hurl insults about perceived interpretations about social class but have hate crimes for rude and inflammatory comments about race, sex and disability.

          (Mandy being slated on R4 right now, they’ve just lost another 1700 jobs in Labour heartland of Teeside, oops!)


      • 121
        They're all hoons says:

        No change there then.

        BBC/Liebour = two cheeks of the same arse


  21. 48
    Hugh Janus says:

    Anyone hear the pie-eating oaf on Toady this morning? When asked if NuLiebour are fighting the GE on the basis of class, old Two-Bogs said no, it would be on their record. Phew, that’s a relief – with a record like theirs I am beginning to think that DC is home and dry.

    I wonder why they think class war is such a good idea when Crewe clearly demonstrated otherwise? Short memory or just congenitally stupid?


    • 100
      mondeoman says:

      How very clever bringing up this coordinated class message, brown, myners and harperson, with the arch spinner campbell at work and may be mcbride playing a part time role from his school job. I hate this government with a passion, I find it hard to accept the circa 28% of the population are willing to vote form them. The recurring nightmare of waking up on a Friday morning, be it sometime between Feb and June, with this lot still in charge is getting too much, where are the tablets!


      • 125
        Hugh Janus says:

        Ah yes, Myners – getting all hot and bothered about excessive bonuses a) because the govt can’t control them, and b) this is the man who nodded through Fred the Shred’s gargantuan pension and pay-off.

        More gesture politics from this bunch of complete incompetents.


  22. 51
    A drunk never changes their liver spots says:

    Is it true she screwed one of her lecturers in Oxford?


    • 69
      1381 says:

      IF she did it didn’t do her much good.
      Wasn’t she requested to leave sans degree – which she lied about having.
      All power to Farage.


  23. 54
    Johnny says says:

    “How to get rid of a girl during sex”

    Why on earth would you want to?

    Bercow’s chatup lines sound as credible as Brown’s University manual on being a tight fisted miser student – including such things as sneaking into hotel rooms to have a free bath and putting a brick in a bag with some cans when you’re bringing booze to a party. Preposterous and deluded. Brown will likely never have had the balls to do those things. Now he has two Balls and still dithers.


  24. 56
    genghiz the kahn says:

    Are these odd little stories about Bercow writing a puller’s guide and his wife’s penchant for too much wine and the thrill of the chase, revenge for slapping down Balls and Gordon?

    After reading Sally Bercow’s plea for help in The Standard, I wondered if she had forgotten to turn up at an Alpha Course to confess that she used to get drunk, go off with men she picked up in bars and had sex. It could be worse, she could have become a Happy Clappy Evangeilical.


  25. 58
    Airey Belvoir says:

    Looking at the reader comments under the Standard interview, it looks as if this was not a well-judged PR exercise by Mrs Bercow. Best comment on her:

    “A boyfriend warned her that she was behaving badly while drunk. “I said he was being sexist and misogynist. My response was to attack him rather than think about the truth.”

    was: “You’ll fit in very well with the Labour Party and the Left in general.”


    • 158
      Talwin says:

      Nice lady. Bernie Ecclestone wasn’t available so she settled for Bercow.


    • 175
      Zacaroo says:

      “A boyfriend warned her that she was behaving badly while drunk. “I said he was being sexist and misogynist. My response was to attack him rather than think about the truth.”

      was: “You’ll fit in very well with the Labour Party and the Left in general.”

      Yeah you are right, the left shag a lot more than the right.


  26. 65
    Disco Biscuit says:

    My understanding is that Bercow’s tastes have changed somewhat since his university days…


  27. 71
  28. 73
    TaT's 'special' Gay Friend says:

    Was Tertiary education beyond your reach dahliiing? You talk so much better than you write. But repetition was always your strong suit honey bunch.


  29. 76
    Randy SpAD says:

    8===============) ((

    My cock, your ass.

    Now behave.


  30. 77
    Eileen Critchley says:

    I’ve recently taken to sucking Owd Roger through a straw – on all fours of course!


  31. 94
    Shocked of Sheen says:

    Is it possible that Long Tall Sally gave the interview as a spoiler? Does one of the Sunday Red Tops has some steamy photos?


  32. 98
    Anonymous says:

    It amazes me that ladette Bercow states that she abhors privelige, yet she is from a back ground of ease, easy money, wealth and drunken Oxford Uni background. When I heard this woman speaking from her lofty position of wealth and ease I at once thought she must be a Labour supporter. Blow me down with a feather when I read she IS a supporter of failed Labour and wants to be a Labour MP.
    This ex drunken ladette should keep her opinions to herself knowing her hubby is Speaker.
    Was she drunk when she gave the interview ?


  33. 101
    JF says:

    Is Sally Bercow a male transvestite? She looks very mannish.

    As for John Bercow. He’s quite effeminate. I always thought he was gay.


  34. 105
    greatbiglizard says:

    Lovely to see you doing your bit to raise the tone of political debate, Guido. Do remember to pop up for air every once in a while won’t you ;)


  35. 107
    Susie says:

    What’s the attraction for the Labour Party — a drunk ex-slapper who lies about her qualifications on her CV? Oh I see.


    • 138
      Anonymous says:

      An ex drunken yobbette with all the manners, morals and behaviour of a Saturday night alleyway puking tart who comes from a privileged background, who has had an easy ride through life with loads of money now wishes to continue to have an easy life by becoming a Labour MP.
      Why should a wealthy ex drunken yobbette who has never had to work think she has the right or morals to pass laws and judgement on us all when she becomes an MP, especially as she would automatically be selected as a Labour MP by Brown just to cause more embarrassment to her husband Bercow?
      She shows just how shallow, out of touch and morally bust many of those who wish to rule us are.


  36. 111
    Jimmy says:

    There’s a theme running through today’s stories (Balls, Bercow). Young impressionable people become exposed to the conservative party and are led down a spiral of drunken and debauched behaviour. Only by embracing the ideals of democratic socialism have they been able to redeem themselves and turn their lives around. It is a valuable life lesson for any tory drunks who may be reading (or indeed writing) this blog.


  37. 113
    Jimmy says:

    There’s a theme running through today’s stories (Balls, Bercow). Young impressionable people become exposed to the conservative party and are led down a spiral of dr*nken and debauched behaviour. Only by embracing the ideals of democratic socialism have they been able to redeem themselves and turn their lives around. It is a valuable life lesson for any tory dr*nks who may be reading (or indeed writing) this blog.


  38. 117
    Torygirl says:

    I hope this vile couple are booted out of Speaker’s House next year when the Tories elect someone who a, represents the next and NEW parliament and b, dresses properly.


  39. 118
    Up For It says:

    Hmm, Mrs B looks a bit of all right.
    I wonder if I could interest her in this bottle of wine?


  40. 120
    Anonymous says:

    Mis Yo Yo Knickers

    Six feet tall but then again it is easy to climb a fallen tree.


  41. 123
    iain, ni says:

    Do all those posh tarts have that same look?
    She reminds me of Prince’s whatshisname’s wife, Sophie


  42. 124
    Steve says:

    Are you having a laugh Guido? As if she’d sleep with you…


  43. 126
    next slide please, d-day says:

    Does the term ‘modern woman’ have the same meaning as the term ‘slapper’? She sound no better than a council estate tart.


    • 144
      An Englishman says:

      And what’s wrong with council estate tarts, then?

      Not ‘no better than'; not as good as. She lacks their basic unhypocritical honesty.


  44. 129
    Lydia Dustbin says:

    She looks as if she’s trying to ease a fart out.


  45. 130
    Senor Frizby says:

    Mrs Bercow is obviously a New Labour female role model:

    1. Brags about rehabilitation / being a tart and drunk

    2. Thinks that the confessional route is worthy of reward – becoming a trougher

    3. Has no idea that she is NOT the kind of slapper we need governing the any aspect of the country.

    Now love, get yerself back down the Dog & Duck, nail some Shard-donnay and open yer legs for Thomas the Tank Engine.

    Horrible woman!


  46. 141
    Anonymous says:

    Laughing at people for alcohol abuse? Poor show Guido.


  47. 143
    Bram Stoker says:

    You’ve got to hand it to her, she’s made William Hague’s “14 pints a night” claim seem rather tame.


  48. 145
    FCS Hack says:

    Contrary to Speaker Bercow’s claim in today’s London Evening Standard that he was the author of the John Bercow Guide, I can officially confirm this is not in fact the case.

    FCS had a tradition of naming guides after people who did not write them, for example the legendary Gordon Liddy Guide to Disrupting NUS Conference (which was not written by Gordon Liddy but was rather in homage to him).

    In this case naming the guide after John Bercow is part of the humour – because Bercow never picked up anybody and using those lines you’d never pick anyone up either.

    Not only was Bercow tragically scrofulous and knew absolutely nothing about women by that stage of his life, he was also incapable of humour more advanced that exemplified by the BBC Home Service in the 1950s.


  49. 146
    Jill says:

    I was a year behind John Bercow at Essex Uni. I can assure you he didn’t pick up many women there.


  50. 147
    Anonymous says:

    What kind of halfwit would vote for this vaccuous cow ?????


  51. 148
    Brixjac says:

    Revered psoition of the speaker? It’s all justa load of ceremonial bollocks, that no one cares about (outside some political geeks, westminster and teh blogs)


  52. 149
    Alan Douglas says:

    What is it about the political classes that makes them and their spouses think we have any interest in their sexcapades ?

    Blair and postbox-mouth ? Yuch
    Major and Currie ? at least it got stuck horrors of above out of the system.
    Ber-cow and Ber-chow ? Promiscuous Great Dane and poodle, yuch yuch yuch.

    Alan Douglas


  53. 151
    Anonymous says:

    Any suggestion at what number the Berk went in to bat?


  54. 153
    Anonymous says:

    This one could run like Tiger with one nighters ringing in from all over the place.
    Any reason Ali is being so very supportive???


  55. 156
    John Moorcraft says:

    Gotta love old YC and FCS publications. Time to dust down The Right Handbook again methinks. Now that was a classic


  56. 163
    john miller says:

    I think you missed the trick here.

    Our Sally was the author of the Labour guide to picking up midgets (first line – “not as heavy as you thought they were”) and sadly (for him) none of Bercow’s guides worked.


  57. 166
    Pick Up says:

    I though I saw her too – in Leicester Square


  58. 167
    Ratsniffer says:

    I guess the slimey little twit bercow is would have no problem pulling those into the niche fetish market of midget sex.


  59. 176
    Anonymous says:

    Which Bar was John originally “picked up” by his wife ?


  60. 179
    Coolingphile says:

    Guido, what did you make of the Delingpole v Moonbat debate last night?….Your jacket was very cigar-room esque. Surprised Alexei did not chirp in. I was the bluesuited one with the Crossroads Benny Beanie at the back…..Keep up the good anti-establishment leadership. A Disciple


  61. 187
    Ivor Biggun says:

    When Long Tall Sally met Johnny B. Goode
    He didn’t do nothing but pull his pud’
    Just the wrist and the fist and you can’t go wrong
    Doing the Hand-Jive all night long

    All you need is the rhythm and the wrist control

    And you can do the w*nker’s rock ‘n’ roll


  62. 24
    Kezza the Hat says:

    Incompetent financial misconduct – Liebour


  63. 26
    smig says:

    Hahahahahaha, did you get up late this morning?

    20th is a shocking result!


  64. 27
    Technomist says:

    Tell me, are you in the G20 Inquisition or just the Spanish branch?


  65. 36
    Anonymous says:

    Hit the road Zac!


  66. 38
    Anon says:

    He’s dropped his non-dom status.

    Do try to keep up.

    NuLiebour = political misconduct on a grand scale.


  67. 43
    Michael Gove says:

    Wobble, smirk, wobble


  68. 66
    Climategate says:

    Zac Goldsmith is such an Enviromong that he made the daft bint who created the film ‘Age of stupid’ look sane on Newsnight.


  69. 115
    El Forleather says:

    Is he moving to a country in Gordon and Hattie’s G20?
    Spain maybe?


  70. 116
    smig says:

    That boy has never done a decent and proper days work in his life.

    That idle little gobshite needs working on with a mallet.

    If he knocks on my door looking for a vote he’ll get a smack in the mouth and I’ll set the dogs on him.


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