Guido will send a copy of A History of Political Trials: From Charles I to Saddam Hussein and a copy of The Big Red Book of New Labour Sleaze to the wittiest caption writer. Note that it is the wittiest, not most abusive comment that wins…
Investors HBack Over RBS Meddling | CityAM
Riddled With It | Pink News
I Went Mad in the Seventies | Ken
Guy Newsroom Splits | Indy
Polly’s Voodoo Polling | UK Polling Report
Labour SpAd Backs the Bill | Mark Wallace
Guido Goes for the Lobby | Press Gazette
Argentina has No Claim to the Falklands | George Grant
Why Is Sarah Teather Still in the Government? | Mail
Guido Fawkes “Out Ran Lawyers” | BBC
Ed Wins PMQs in TV Blackout | The Commentator
Sky Twitter Madness | Guardian
The Case for US Support for Israeli Raid on Iran | Niall Ferguson
Liberal Leftovers | Liberal Vision
Bad Week for the Guardian | Harry Cole
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John Higginson of the Metro explains Quantitative Easing:
“There is £100 and 100 loaves of bread costing £1 each. QE creates another £100. Each loaf now costs £2.”
Maybe if they really wanted to “decontaminate the Labour brand” with business people, they shouldn’t have totally buggered up the economy?
Just a thought.
scum and scummer
Two big fat ugly whores
what come on the truth can be funny as well
Hmmmm, anger management issues perhaps?
Hague was looking so old on Question Time.
See this picture here, it’s Yoda, from Star Wars, he’s now the spitting image of William Hague.
Fat scum squared.
S-”I think the debits are on the left and the credits on the right”
M-”Well, they certainly don’t come to zero!”
Jacqui: The Future is Reich
Moron: The Future is Orange
Second Home secretary and “get off my land” socialist Moran, discuss the art of fraudulent double claiming.
Are they actually reading “Anti Social Behaviour in South Luton” ?
I suspect the irony is lost on the thieving fat snorkers.
Jacqui displaying her wedding ring in a manner that shouts “I’m married to a Tosser” (literally)
Jacqui: The newspapers are reporting that I have become far more attractive to the male electorate since they discovered my husband is showing little interest in me.
Moron: Yes, I know, I can see the barge pole marks on your face.
I remember when the rot was young
Me and Mikey had so much fun
holding hands and skimming stones,
had a seaside property and a place of my own.
But the biggest kick I ever got
was stealing money for the dry rot
while the other kids were flipping round the clock
we were stelaing and defrauding for the dry rot.
Well, dry Rotting’
is something shocking
when your walls just can’t keep still.
I never knew me a better time
and I guess I never will.
Oh, Lawdy Mama, those Friday nights
when Harriet wore her dresses tight
and the dry Rotting was-a out of sight.
La la-la-la-la la,
la-la-la-la la,
la-la-la-la-la la.
Spliff: “Waiter, I’ll have the Hand Shandy Troughles…”
Moron: “And I’ll take the Flipping Dry Rot Biscuit…”
or maybe it’s:
Two little pigs consulting a construction manual after the Big Bad Electorate blew their brother Piggy Mick’s Westminster House down.
everybody sing along…. ‘Money for nothing and the chicks for free…’
Everybody sing along… ‘Things can only get better’…
Hahahaha! everyones talking about Duck Houses and we couldn’t find a photo.
Will this do ?
I don’t fancy yours much
SMITH why am i top of your antisocial behaviour list?
IT says here that this MP needs 30 tons of shit on his lawn! great we’ll hold the labour party conference on it problem solved!
er, if they were whores then those ugly fucking bastards would go hungry.
I wouldn’t pay the c’unts in washers, would you?
I still quite fancy a soapy tit wank off jackie, mind.
as long as her husband’s not hiding in the cupboard!
Smith: Does Luton south have a big problem with anti-social behaviour then?
Moron: Dunno. Never been.
This is what you get when you have a one eyed Scottish idiot picking them.
LOL
What is that stuff on her face?
Ha ha that’s fab
I don’t vote or buy a newspaper because I’ve checked out of “the game”. The sound and fury is just so many people trying to look like “authorities” and drive up “popularity”. That’s not a conversation or relationship. It’s just institutionalised abuse and a waste of time. The fact that politicians and the media are quitely nuking each other while a bemused pupulation looks on should give them a clue.
Not funny, but true.
I love that! Nice one!
How to behave towards the neighbours, in Spain.
Thats enough to turn you gay.
Thank God I am gay.
Do you have a spare bedroom that I can claim is my home?
Can you imagine this pair writhing on the bed?
Writing like a couple of slugs covered in salt, maybe…
128
Two girls and a cup video comes to mind.
Mandlebum of boy says that’s why I only like man arse……but wait a moment
Bitch! BITCH!!
German Goo Girls
thought i read Luton South NOT Southampton on the Hand Book ??
Can you smell bacon. No! I can only smell P–s the Two fat slags, the house of westminster version with a small W
Is this a grab a granny night at the Labour conference?
I can smell P. No not P–s Pork
Old kids song:
Oh Dear what can the matter be?
Two old ladies locked in the lavatory,
etc., etc.,
”Ere Moran stop hiding your assests behind the book and rules, The public have had a good look at mine”.
Education, education, education.
Which little piggy went to market and which little piggy stayed a home? (which home being the question?)
Margaret : This is what you need to get hold of
Jacquie : Look I will hold iy just like I do with my husband
A PIG AND A POKE.
J:- Nice tan!
M:- I got it in Boots , it’s called taxpayer terd!
PINKY & PERKY PLAN THEIR NEXT TRUFFLING SPURGE!
If you’re stuck Margaret, my sister has another spare room!
Where’s my book ya Huhne?
MORON: ime sick of the whole rotten buisness! SMITH: well me and mike have decided we have to PULL together!
All men are rapists.
Jackie smith passes new sex laws.
1. Men need permit to have sex with young women.
2. Men without permit are in breach of human right act and shall face fine, imprisonment or both.
3. Using the defence of consent by the Women in question is no defence.
4. Government have decided to take away all of a Womans responsibilty in consenting to have Sex.
5. Smith needs more convictions on Sex offences to fulfill obligation to fill proposed prison places for the next decade.
Jacqui – So what do you think of our new policy document then?
Moron – Err, it’s full of blank pages…
Yeah, Bill Wiggin hasn’t got any receipts and he maxed out on his ACA.
Flipped his houses and claimed twenty three times for mortgage on a house with no mortgage.
Amazing that David Cameron thinks he can get away with it really.
Bill Wiggin de Friggin in der Rigging
You are right, MB, he should go. Just like Darling, Hoon, Purnell and Smith, and in the interest of fairness Mackay and Kirkbride. They are as bad as each other. It’s sad to see Clegg being soft on Kennard, as it seems each leader is picking scapegoats and shieldoing his mates.
Porker and Pork’ er.
Perhaps if food expenses were banned, female UK MPs would after a few years become just a little bit slimmer and only so slightly start to look like some of the french politicians (remember Ms Royale gave birth to 4 kids), not to mention the french first lady.
PS what is tha tax situation re food expenses? It sounds like salary in kind to me. As does subsidised alcohol.
We need more lookers in Westminster the porkers we have at the moment are a disgrace.
Yeah because comments like that will really encourage any remotely attractive women to enter the bear-pit. Douche.
MORON heres the new menu for the stangeways hotel SMITH not much trough to get your nose into
Southamptons’ finest seeks travel guidance from home economics guru and porn afficianado, wor jackie.
Jacqui: “I think I’ll have the chicken doner”
Moran: “The doner? Are you kidding? This can go on expenses. Let’s go for the whole lot. Again.”
No Margaret, it isn’t an instruction manual.
Eugh – the pages have been stuck together with what looks like flour glue – has Richard been anywhere near this?
smith: and this is what mike does when i’m not at home
Margaret to jacqui
” How do you like this political-looking cover for my lettings brochure? I charged for it under housing costs”
Its no good Hazel you cant hide behind this leaflet for ever.
4 – or is it 2?
From the time-table, I’d get the 10:44 from Platform 1, Margaret.
Eh? – how did this get here?
smith: so you go down this road for about 200 miles and you should find your constituancy.
Recession finally hits “Gordo’s Bunny Ranch” with the two for one offer, struggling to get off the ground.
Is “duck house” rhyming slang for something?
‘Thieving louse’ would fit the bill
Jacqui: I got the idea for hiding the holiday homes brochure behind this pamphlet from my husband, he does it with his wank mags.
Dry rot?
Why not?
was it dry rot in Spain? has the guy or girl who did the job been identified and confirmed it was in Southampton and not where some airlines from Southampton fly to, like Alicante or Malaga?
My husband had dry rot problems as well
What a coincidence, mine watches porn too!
SMITH: this product prevents rot i use it on the carpet in front of mike’s armchair
“It’s terrible….it creeps through the House, weakening all the supports….the place fills up with big, ugly fungoid growths….if you let it carry on, the whole place crashes round your ears.”
sounds like the HoC !
Is this the latest Home Office initiative to cut crime.
Simply stick that picture in your window instead of a neighbourhood watch sign and you’ll never get burgled.
Their ugly fat porcine mugs will either make any potential burglar start projectile vomiting, make them go blind due to the sheer vileness of their appearance or make them run off in repulsion of the vision before them.
“Margaret Moran, this is your life!”
“Margaret Moran, this *was* your life!”
You want to sell me a Time share in Luton.
Your having a Giraffe!
The rot stops here
or,
Tough on dry rot, tough on the causes of dry rot
“Google must be wrong. This atlas says Southampton is Southluton.”
screw the witty captions
Jaqui . Why do you think your husband has to buy soft core videos ?
do the decent thing and just f*** off
No, you fuck off, Old Street.
you could at least of given me a tra laa as well
“Have”, not “of”.
Ejukation, ejukation, ej…
aculation!
Ejaculation, ejaculation, ejaculation!
Tough on the causes of ejaculation
Jacqui Smith (thinks).
Oh My God. We’ve created a monster, a monster that will destroy us all!
(check out the sheer panic in her eyes…)
New Rules for MPs published!
“We’re only in it for the money”
We had to redesign our chequebooks to fit in all the extra zeros, It was a good idea to disguise it as a policy initiative on ASBOs though. The suckers will never realise.
‘ere Jacqui, what do you think of this magazine with these lesbian porn models? No, don’t worry about being found out, we’ll just hide it behind our Communist manifesto, nobody would suspect a thing.
Two genetically modified pigs trying to fart.
I think their parents were a bit of pig sperm which was inserted up a donkeys anus and fertilized with a wet fart – they got their brains from the wet fart and their fucking greed from the pigs sperm.
SMITH in this policy document gordon proposes we build several new prisons otherwise all the sacked MP’s will have nowhere to live!
“It’s horrible…it spreads through the House, out of sight, weakening all the supports…there are these big, ugly fungoid growths everywhere…if you don’t stamp it out the place will collapse around your ears.”
Well, I was desperate for sex with my husband and looking for ways to get banged up!
Well, at least we’ll all be friends, and I know a Lawyer who’ll fight for our Human Rights!
Keep counting Margaret – the good news is at least none of these will stand against you.
Second-Home Secretary
“It doesn’t say anything in these rules about not putting in expenses for porn videos – i think you’ll agree with me Margaret – I’ve done nothing wrong.”
Guido patents his new hangover cure
Guido patents his new pre jack cure.
Sorry – I didn’t think it had worked the first time.
My wife says that!
By the time the Fees Office heard about it, the report had become both dry rot advice and “Raw Meat 3″
Louise: You robbed the store? You robbed the whole damn store?
Thelma: Well we needed the money.
Louise: Oh shoot!
Thelma: It’s not like I killed anybody for God’s sake!
Louise: Thelma!
Thelma: I’m sorry, we needed the money, now we got it.
Louise: Oh shoot! Oh shoot, Thelma!
Thelma: Louise, get us to damn Andalucia.
Louise: Allright, oh shoot! Oh shoot! Oh shoot!
One little piggy fiddled their expenses for the property market
One little piggy never stayed at home
One little piggy claimed for dry rot
One little piggy charged for porn
And both litle piggies went wee wee wee
All the way to their second/third/fourth home
lol
42- Winner
Pork dressed up as lamb
Excellent!
Don’t you mean pork dressed up as mutton?
Nice!
Mutton dressed as pig…
THE CHEATY GIRLS!
Lu…lu…luton…south…a..a…a….az……azboooo…
Oh sod it! This learning to read is far too much hard work, i’m going to be an MP.
Brilliant.
So Margaret – do you think wanking is anti-social?
Margaret thought Wanking was a province in China
Jacqui: ‘So what happens after we’ve gone “Weeweeweeweeweeweewee” all the way back to our second homes?’
Or, seeing as Porcine Troughers @ #41 had the same idea…
Moron: ‘Redditch? I can get you some cream for that.’
Moron -> Jacqui:
So, where exactly is Luton?
You did put in our exemption clause didn’t you? I’d hate to think we could break the rules.
smith : When i said the house was rotten and we needed to get someone in to fix it i didn’t means yours!!!!!
Moron: oink oink!!!
I’d much rather be reading ” A History of Political Trials – from Charles I to Saddam Hussein”.
I’d like to know what the future has is in store for me and Marge
Margaret: Jacqui, even with all the new offences you’re created, I think we’ve done the lot.
Jacqui: Perhaps that’s why they asked us to write this hand book.
Authors unveil new supplement to the “Green Book”.
MM: This place looks awful, where is it again??
JS: Luton? I dunno. Just off the M1?
MM: That’s up north, innit?
JS: Do I look like I care?
Looting South’s Moran teams up with Home Sexcretary to stop the rot
Jaqui prefers to hold it with two fingers, Moron prefers a both hand grip.
Excellent.
If Jacqui’s using her fingertips because she hasn’t had time to wash her hands, it rather looks like she sleeps on the left of the bed.
The speed dating dating event turned out to be a real disappointment!
Study the picture above. How many morons can you see?
Haha. Dick.
Dry rot
rotten to the core
“re-writing the rules, one page at a time”
Here we see a pointless and irrelevent waste of taxpayers’ money….holding the new anti-social behaviour booklet
MM – So Jacqui, do you think they can see the porn mag behind leaflet
JS – Not sure, but his whopper isn’t as big as the ones that Gordon’ tells
SMITH if mike had one that big i’d tug it for him! MORON she’s got a bigger hole than the one in my floor!
Margaret: My Husband is so pissed he’s considering bashing the Telegraph.
Jackboots: Mine blamed being pissed for bashing the bishop.
Photoshopped claim form saves Smith from scandal.
Home sec. to piggy Moron
“Thanks for telling me all about your constituency Looting”
Smith: Don’t laugh but when the picture comes out, take a look at the bottom of the brochure, and you’ll see me giving two fingers to the plebs.
Anti Social Behaviour? I’m nicking it
Brown gets tough. Fiddlers Handed ASBO.
That’s so lame, I’m going to publish your name and address as punishment – and watch you snivelling like a big girls blouse.
Moran : I thought when they said Luton South, they meant get the plane from Luton to the South of Spain
Smith : Any chance of renting out your Holiday home tome?
Moran: Why do you want to stay in Luton?
Smith: “My husband likes gay porn vids”
Moran: “Mine’s got dry rot”
Both together: “And you dumb bastards are paying for it LOL!!”
Bargain MPs: buy one get one free.
SMITH : when i get sacked in the reshuffle gordon’s offered me a job as his cleaner same money as home secetary but i get to wear a french maids outfit and tickle his ball’s with a feather duster, MORON: and you beat mandleson for the job?
M.M : I’m going to have a Spanish omellette
JS : My Dick loves a bit of Spanish fly with his TV dinner
Do we have a copy in Urdu?
Fuck off racist
fuck off Draper
Old Borehoon might be a complete twat, he might even be racist (along with a lot of the world – it’s not exclusice to white people you know), but joking about the profusion of leaflets in umpteen different languages is perfectly valid – this is the UK after all, not the Punjab.
You have clearly never been to Luton. It’s neither racist nor even a joke.
http://www.tijarapages.com/categories.asp?id=170&cid=20
Battersea dogs home finds latest escapees have become MPs
Moran: “The natives are revolting”
Smith: “Let them eat cake”
Who let the dogs out?
I like this. A lot.
Tsk! Youth of today – they just “don’t get it”
Calling their gangs “posses” and “massives” and robbing people of pennies.
If they were smart like us, they’d call their gang a “party” and rob people of millions.
“Why don’t you employ your husband? Mine does ever such a good job writing letters to the local press!”
“Because I prefer getting my staff to line up local government contracts for him, and I quite like all the sailors in Southampton!”
The Penguin
88
House!
Sharp as a knife in the back.
Nice one. Gets my votes, all of them.
Very good Margaret. How much did your husband get for producing it? And what was your consultation fee?
Two pints of lather and a packet of skits
Don’t worry Margaret, an ASBO isn’t for life – only ’til Christmas
“So show me, what part of Southampton is in your Luton constituency?”
This little piggy went to Southampton,
This little piggy cleaned his moat,
This little piggy claimed for women’s clothing,
This little piggy did not.
And this little piggy went…
“Oink oink oink” all the way to her sister’s home…
Christ almighty – I know we asked you to redesign the Luton van, but we didn’t expect a self-propelled skip or a Zeppelin !
Ms Harman introduces the author of the ‘Financial Misfeasance’ chapter
Rehabilitation reading matter being enjoyed by new Holloway “new girls”.
Now Margaret, from this book, read after me… “Another Piggy went too Market…”
Having swindled the (parliamentary) benefits system for years, Jacqui and Margaret decide the next step to appeal to the core labour vote is getting themselves an ASBO each.
Margaret and Jacqui looked shocked when they opened the “Luton South Anti-Social Behaviour” bible, and saw their faces in Chapter 1, entitled “Benefit Cheats and How to Catch Them.”
double lol
“Your’e just mere members of the public and you just don’t get it do you.”
“You are just unqualified to pass judgements on things that can confuse you so easily.”
“So what I did might be against the spirit of the regulations but you must understand they were within the legislation – so I have dont nothing wrong.”
“……and i’m getting Richard to proof the braille verion.”
pair of cunning stunts
How to Promote an Official NuLab Publication
SMITH so this is the lineup for the new labour calender me in basque and boots pointing at mike my rotten husband .you dressed as a builder pointing to your rotten floor . and gordon looking like popeye pointing at his rotten party.
The divorced and desperate evening hit a new low when the Venal sisters arrived!
Two porkers announce new strategy for loot’n.
GENIUS ! *cough*
Are that’s how it is done, you don’t get found out, if only we had known that.
And we have widened the scope of anti-social behaviour to include publishing personal details relating to Honourable Members and selling The Daily Telegraph
Giant Haystacks meets Big Daddy
Excellent
Both” Aren’t we clever? We’re paid a shed-load plus easily fiddled expenses and all we have to do is sit here and be photographed holding a booklet which is some kind of Handbook for Anti-Social behaviour in Luton South. Cashback!”
Smith:” By the way, I got a plug and a sink though, but never thought to go for the whole damproof thing. Well done you!”!
“See, Margaret is not mentioned at all on this page!”
THIS REPORT IS FULL OF ROT.
Margeret – That’s a nice string of pearls Jacqui
Jacqui – Can’t be, I showered before I came out.
Porkies ‘R Us
plenty belly pork between them two
THE CHEATY GIRL’s
Quick, don’t let them see what we’re actually reading
The deal is we give them a cheap leaflet and they give us a couple of million pounds.
Classic and all too true.
Two Mps read the Looting gazette
“Alias Smith and Mahon: the two most successful outlaws in the history of Westminster. And in all the trains and banks and electors they robbed, they never shot anyone. This made our two latter-day Robin Hoods very popular with everyone but the railroads and the banks and the electorate.”
(crap)
Which one’s the pork and which one’s the barrel ?
the virgins of King Gordon’s Scamalot hawk for business
Sisters
Sisters, sisters
There were never such devoted sisters,
Never had to have a chaperone, No sir,
I’m there to keep my eye on her
Caring, sharing
Every little thing that we are scamming
When a certain Burlusconi arrived from Rome
She wore the dress, and I stayed home
All kinds of weather, we stick together
The same in the rain or sun
Two fat ladies, tight in many places
We think and we act as one
Those who’ve seen us
Know that not a thing could come between us
Many men have tried to split us up, but no one can
Lord help the mister who comes between us and our scams
And Lord help the sister, who comes between me and my scam
Sister and me Gordon
I know deep inside your heart that you will feel the worst intention
Sister you will know
You understand that in the far I’ll always be you, the men will come and go
All kinds of weather, we stick together
The same in the rain or sun
Two fat ladies , tight in many places places
We think and we act as one
Those who’ve seen us
Know that not a thing could come between us and our scams
Many men have tried to split us up, but no one can
Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister and her scams
And Lord help the sister, who comes between me and my scam
Marge: Ha ha! Anti-social behaviour, these guys don’t have a clue. You should see the claims I’ve been making.
Jacqui: It could “cum” back to bite us you know. Dick’s always after a few extra X-raters.
Marge: Don’t worry, I know the guys on security at Luton airport. They’ll slip us out of the country on the next flight to the Caymans
Bible class at labour HQ.
Do you have a spare bedroom I can claim is my home?
Moron : ” My property portfolios bigger than yours.”
Smith : ” But mine has a blue plaque on it”.
Look Marg you’re in here am I, quick smile for the camera.
Jackboots – ” That fooking Gordon, he’s demanded that I get knife crime down and the tosser knives every thiving cabinet twat in the back”
Moron ” Really! He told me that rotton behaviour begins at home, cure that and you are on your way to becoming a saint….”
I put all the gear I’ve filched into a Luton. Very useful for flipping it between first, second and their homes.
Ah…..the whiff of NuLab Porkers in the morning….has one ever smealt the awful odour of bacon gone orf!
“Maggie, I see you’ve got the same problem as me. Weight is a real problem when you’ve got to chomp through £400 a month food allowance”.
No flash seems to have been used, so the government is either
-incompetent because it has bought a million flashlights and can’t use them
or
-running out of money because it has no money for flashlights or a decent photographer
or
-incompetent because it can not enhance the photo with editing software.
Unfortunately for UK taxpayers it’s a combination of all the above.
In fairness to Mr Smith, a porn movie or having to Jiz over Jackie, which would you choose? Or maybe he needed it to ‘get the motor running’ so to speak, wouldn’t you?
This way a bit. That’s it. Completely hides the pile of cash.
Scamalot? fuck that. Winalot.
Smith:So Margaret , despite all the nasty things Look East and the FT are saying about you we can’t slap an ASBO on them.
Moran: But I thought the whole point of the Labour legislative program was that you could use against anyone for anything !
Political Correctness Directive.
The popular saying “like a dog with two dicks” is to be changed to “like a Labour party with two c unts”
Only two chronic? Surely a miscount there or is that a Nu Lab postal voting scam strikes again?
do you think they realise we are hiding our expense receipts behind this book
Porkfest
Cagney and Lacey set to make shock return as a pair of criminals!
Chapter 1 – Trough on crime, trough on the causes of crime.
Least successful audition in history for ‘Readers Wives’
(Onanist Mr Smith now fully exonerated by understanding taxpayers)
Smith: I took this picture of Guido with his “chopper” out last night, his party trick apparently, someone told me he was back on the Baileys again.
Big Issue..
Bolly or Moet darling?
[together] “And I thought my stylist was crap!”
Botox ad
before and after.
Actually, possibly more a (yet another hugely funded) Government caution ad on what can go wrong?
Margaret ‘Gus’ Moran : I’ll have a take ‘everything in sight’ away
Tacky Jackie : Me too, with a prorn cocktail
Jacqui – we had Dry Rot as well but that bastard husband of mine told me it was just a porno movie!
Margaret – it is – we claimed for that too.
2 Labour wummin plan a make over
Smith to Moran:
Was it with you when Prescott broke the other loo seat?
Moran….’Naah, I was down in Sarfampton innit, babe’
Lovely……… now Jacqui give us a little “V” with your bottom two fingers
Nice one.
and this years turn out for westminster carnival queen was disapointing.
Margie Moran: “‘Ere, Jax babe, that Nadine Dorries ‘as bin sayin this is a Mackarfy bitch hunt or summink. Is she callin us bitches then?”
Jacqui Smiff: “She can talk. Farkin cow!”
Quick! Hide the jewel-encrusted, expensed swag on the table! They’ll never find out….
Jaqui says
“I wish my old man was as interested in my mott as yours seems to be in dry rot I’d save a fortune on porn films”
Did she put a claim in to get her Mott cleaned?
do you have the same problem ordering a TAKE-AWAY?
yes they never get my home right
“Well Jacqui luv, here’s this John Lewis list.
Never mind the front cover-up – that’s just for the camera.
Let’s pick out wallpaper and curtains for the bedroom today.
That can go on your expenses”
“And what about bathroom & tampon things hunny?
should that also go on my husband’s?”
SMITH: i don’t need tampons i’VE got a cock!
Hey, it says here theft is anti-social.
Don’t worry, that applies only to the tax payer…
Birds of a feather….
“What do you mean, a five knuckle shuffle is anti social behaviour now?”
If we sit here for a few more minutes we can flip this as our second home.
Like it – barbed, but true.
Smith: Are you member for Looting South?
Moran: Yes. I also represent Looting left, right and centre.
Lovely ladies…………..now Jacqui, give us a little “V” with your bottom two fingers luv.
Janice Battersby and Hailey Cropper to do “Stars in their Eyes” in Luton
Janice says ” Tonight Matthew, I gonna be … The Saint”, to which Hailey replies ” Oh goodie,that means I can be Rogered More, well that’s what hubby calls me…”
After finding a copy of Razzle in her latest pamphlett Jacqui assured Margaret this was the last time she would ask Richard to “sex up” her policy documents.
Brilliant!!!!!!
Surely a winner, Guido?
“Ok Jacqui if you could just sign another 27 of these for my husband’s clients then it’s a wrap!”
Moran – “If you tell your hubbie you’re on page 3 Jackie, he may not download any movies tonght. I only made page 5.”
Jackboots thinking: ‘See my two fingers holding the bottom of this leaflet, that’s what I think of the public’.
Moron: “Oh look, they’re going to give me an ASBO. What’s that mean?”
Slug: “All Socialist Bastards Out.”
“I love these “How to” manuals, Jacq.
I especially love that bit about stealing from the proles – that’s the best antisocial behaviour tip I’ve ever had!”
Jackie : Shedloads yesterday. Nunhead today. fuck all tomorrow
Marge the Large : Costa Lotta yesterday, Looton today, Southampton harbour (bottom of) tomorrow
GuidOaf Orcs,
Hope you are feeling even worse, will be thinking of you between 3 and 4.
Enjoy.
Do have a big greasy pizza with an undercooked egg in the middle so that you are under toilet arrest for the next 36 hours.
You are the third Cheeky Girl and I claim my £5.00!!
Two notes were found with this picture in Common’s Fees Offie:
“I bought the Richard Timney’s handbook on Anti-Social Behaviour in the picture attached for Margaret Moran MP. The purchase price was £249.00, please reimburse me. Rt, Hon Jacqui Smith MP.”
“I bought Equality Networks specialist handbook on Anti-Social Behaviour in the picture attached for Jacqui Smith MP. The purchase price was £249.00, please reimburse me. Margaret Moran MP”
Don’t fancy yours much
What a lot of rot!
Did you two waft here from Paradise???
Naaahhhhhh… Holloway!
Day release, I gues…
Jacqui, did you get those “room” refurbishments at Holloway approved before the Fees office was shut down ?
We used to be Blairs Babes… now we’re just Babe and Babe in the City (the sequel).
Sorry that should have been:
We used to be Blair’s Babes… now we’re just Babe and Babe in the Kitty (the sequel).
The mystery had been solved over who actually ate all the pies
And they say “no two humans are ever alike”
WHAT A PAIR OF BEAUTIE’S
should have gone to specsavers1
Jackie : Where’s the damn gravy train Margaret ?
Margaret : At the bottom of Southamton Harbour !
We’ve upped our income bracket, so now, up yours!
If you are fat and ugly your Parliament needs you.
smith THE WORKING CLASS CAN KISS MY ASS IV’E GOT AN MP’S JOB AT LAST I’M IN WORK AND OFF THE DOLE STICK YER RED FLAG UP YER HOLE!
So that is what Guido has on Hoon
I wince when I think of the state of their personal hygene – In the words of Col. Walter E Kurtz, the horror…the horror!
We can teach Garfield a thing, or two!
or
My snouts are bigger than yours
or
Show me your snouts and I’ll show you mine
I keep telling you Jaqui “You should never judge a book by its cover”
(dry) Rottin’ Robbin’ ! beep shiddlydeep…….
Should give Mandi an ASBO.
Apparenty he’s been eyeing up a Foreign Orifice
very good
No expense spared…..it takes two MPs to hold up a book or an electrician to change a light bulb
Once Margaret Beckett is here we can begin the rehearsal for MacBeth.
“Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power. ”
P. J. O’Rourke
That’ll be two positive results here then.
Never knowingly underclaimed !
fantastic!
Jacqui: Just smile and look interested. They’ll never know the difference.
Well look on the bright side Jaqui “We’ll never need to carry ID cards ever again”
Smith to Moran: “No need to explain the rules, there’s nothing in it, we make them up as we go along.”
http://www.plenty2say.com
Caption: “This is how we learned!”
God- if this is the base, no wonder it’s all balls.
Moran: Is it taking the piss to claim for a fake tan?
Smith: Two words; Duck. Island.
I’m celebrating RedFace month with a t-shirt…
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&item=250428341517
Song titles that would go along with the album cover:
We’re gonna trough to the top (apologies Mr Weller for abusing your song)
or
Let’s trough tonight (EWF)
or
Let us trough (along Let It Be)
or
Troughing queen(s) (Abba)
or
The Trougher(s) Takes it All (Abba, indeed one of their worst ones)
or
Thank You for the Troughing (apologies for the Abba theme)
or
We are the Troughers (Queen, not the)
or
You Never Trough Alone (although you may need a pacemaker after too much of it)
or
Troughs of London (let me take you by the hand and show you the ……)
of
Snout (“Snout, Snout suck the taxpayer out”, by Tears for Taxpayers)
With a little refrain
“We are in Palermo now”
THE CONTEST FOR MISS WESTMINSTER WAS THOWN WIDE OPEN AFTER THE WITHDRAWEL OF MARGRET BECKETT !
We have it all in Luton South,
Fraud and greed and two big mouths.
We’re here to fleece you every day,
We’ll ensure all of you pay
To have us represent you.
We are the chosen few.
JaqBoot: I’ll have the noisette of fascism to start and the rack of incompetence for main, with a side order of cabinet vegetables du jour. Oh, and can we have a dish of slavish europhilia too please?
Moron: Nice choice Home Secretary. I’ll have the P45 with dishonesty shavings for my hors d’oeuvre and a police investigation with side order of fraud for my main course.
Waiter: Would mes dames like drinks with their last supper?
JaqBoot: Yes please. We’ll each have a Bloody Brogan.
Waiter: And what about the whine?
Both: A bottle of the Chateau Not-My-Fault 2009, naturally.
So if I’m reading this right if we scrap Gordon before 2010 we all get £2,000.
The gruesome troughing twosome
Moran: This is an odd menu Jacqui, I think I’ll go for the set menu for four.
Smith: That sounds good, I think I’ll do the same, I do like truffles and pork.
Moran: Oi waiter, two set menu meals for four please, oink oink!
I must show you page 22. I know its what usually happens on sink estates but I’ve adopted it very successfully to keep the filthy locals from a right of way next to my villa in spain!
“Look at these lovely new homes we could expense… Oh darn, I picked up the Seaside Homes Marketing Brochure for the wrong place!”
It’s not theft, it’s expenses!
Page three has a lovely picture of Gordon on his rocking horse.
Spanish practices explained
“Over to our Luton studio where Jeremy has two ladies who are going to do something very special for red arse day. ….”
“Over to our Southampton studio where Jeremy has two ladies who are going to do something very special for red arse day. ….”
There, fixed that for you
Flippin’ hell Jacqui have you had a foursome aswell?
Moran: Have you read this report Home Secretary?
Smith: I certainly have, and I definitely recommend that you move your second home away from the constituency. There’s a wonderful little place I’m flipping in Southampton, just needs a little dry rot work and it could turn a real profit. Maybe you’d be interested….?
Desperate housewives
Big Jaq “the film was so durty I dropped my chips”
“Here two-homes,I don’t like the script of this porno film that your old man wants us to make!”
BREAKING NEWS; PRESCOT/SMITH /MORON IN LABOUR PARTY ORGY SCANDAL
Blears: I’ve found a way to replace the entire police presence in South Luton with a stern pamphlet about ASBOs!
Moran: Yeah, great. Let me help hold it so I can claim travel expenses to this table.
Customers were finding that Luton’s Spearmint Rhino really had let standards fall.
vg
Moran: Lovely property, long way from Luton and Redditch, never mind the dry rot, only £1000 per week to you darling, you look like a good honest sort.
Smith: That’s no way to treat your sister.
Moran: Sister? Who the f*** are you?
You’re looking very pale by the way., Jacks.
Only next to you’re tanned flesh Marge.
Jesus – a Margaret Beckett centerfold? We really ARE scraping the barrel!
The Luton South antisocial behaviour handbook by Margaret Moran…Your Guide to the Law…
Jacqui: Say Margie, Do you think the voters know about your dry rot in Southampton?
Maggie: If they do then Im going to have a bloody asbo on them before they can say Piggy in the Trough….
Anthony Steen can f.u.c.k. off
Sex, Ducks, and Moats and Mole….
Lembit Opik was horrified. The pictures that the Cheeky Girls had used on the internet were nothing like reality.
We’ve done it! Everything in the Antisocial Behaviour Handbook! So, do we make it into the Guinness Book of Records?”
Do you think Gordon will notice me giving him the finger
Tarts in a trance
We present you with the Guidebook to the Independent Republic of Lutistan
Margaret, have you seen this horrible song Richard wrote about me? Give him a bl**dy ASBO!
Ode to Jacqui & Margaret (a la Jilted John)
I’ve been going out with a girl,
her name is Jacqui,
But last night she telephoned me,
when I was watching telly
(Interrupted my stroke)
She said listen Rich, I love you,
But there’s this bloke, I fancy,
I don’t want to shag you,
so it’s the end for you and me
Who’s this bloke I asked her
Goooooordon, she replied
Not THAT twat, I said dismayed
Yes but he’s no twat she cried
(He’s more of a man than you’ll ever be)
Here we go, two three four
I was so upset that I cried,
all over my porn mag,
At the centrefold was Gordon,
standing with an old hag,
(And guess who was with him? Yeah, Jacqui, and they were both smiling at me)
Oh, she is cruel and heartless
to pack me for Gordon
Just cos he’s better looking than me
He’s been nobbing Maggie
He loves the moron, Gordon loves the moron
Gordon loves the moron, Gordon loves the moron
Here we go, two three four
Oh she’s a slag and he’s a creep
She’s a tart, he’s very cheap
She is a slut, he thinks he’s tough
She is a bitch, he is a puff
Yeah yeah, it’s not fair
Yeah yeah, it’s not fair
(I’m so upset)
I’m so upset, I’m so upset, yeah yeah
(I ought to smash his face in.)
(Yeah, but he’s bigger than me. In’t he?)
(I know, I’ll get my mate Mandy to hit him. He’d flatten him)
(Yeah but Mandy’s a mate of Gordon’s in’e?)
(Oh well, I don’t care)
I don’t care
I don’t care
Cause she’s a slag and he’s a creep
she’s a tart, he’s very cheap
she is a slut, he thinks he’s tough……
triple lol
I’m so sorry, I thought I was MP for Luton Southampton!
Every time I have second thoughts about my other houses I just read this and plan my next holiday.
Moran “look at this ”
Smith “look at it ? we’re in it “
Dyslexic Printer used to prepare Gordon’s new Guidelines for MP’s expenses:
‘Luton South’ should read ‘Looting Sloth’ .
“two fat trout faced slags dripping over mugshots of chavs.”
why are british female politicians all so minging?
Sylvio, we need your inspirational brand of electioneering to rub off on us!
Jacqboot – I see so little Dick that I have to claim for his porn.
Moron – That’s nothing. It took £20 grand of taxpayer money to get rid of my bloke’s dry rot.
It’s all half smiles as the new, ZuNuLabia leaflet ” Every Girls Guide to Fisting” is published.
Please tick the box on the back if you would like this publication in:
Gujarati
Arabic
Farsi
Bengali
Polish
Tamil
Urdu
Turkish
Somali
Chinese
or
Welsh
you forgot scottish, you’re just not pc enough, and you certainly would not make it as pm or speaker
Sorry about that, that was a genuine mistake, but I left off braille because I did not want to pander to Blunkett
So then girls – seen much of Cinderella since the wedding ??
Excellent: that’s the winner, Guido.
No it isn’t, you prick
Don’t get it?
1st boot
Says here, people have to make allowances.
2nd boot
Don’t worry, I’ve got a few suggestions about allowances here, we’ll add them later.
The famous internet video: “Two Girls, one Trough”
We are holding a High Mass for your recovery and that of your right arm this evening
The Massed bands and Choir of the Nu Labour IRA under the direction of the Tight Reverand Martin Macginnis, Q.C., M.P and the Right Thug Nick Browne, QPM of the Scottosh Catholic Rotten Boroughs Association, will sing one thousand Bloody Marys for your speedy recovery.
If you can make it, we will then carry you should high down Victoria Street to Barclays Bank (collect our expenses in cash) and turn left if we are still standing to the WA
or right to collect lovely Totty from DemLib Cowley Street General Woman-Abusing Headquarteers.. . and then adjourn to WA
OK?
as in above. nick brown a THUG? how can this little common dwelling fagot be a thug????
Margaret Moran MP accepts no liability for action you may decide to take against anti-social behaviour in your community. This handbook is a guide to the law and relevant legislation. You should always refer incidents to the Police and take appropriate legal advice when required. You should never take the law into your own hands.
Don’t worry about the numbers Margaret, If things go pear shaped, the government will step in and bail you out.
Not a caption, more an observation;
Why is 2nd Home Secretary holding the document as one might hold a rotten fish?
‘Let’s just “flip” to the next page – see what else we can get on expenses!
The fat slags make a comeback in Viz.
MM: “Jaqui, you’re looking very pale. You should have a holiday. I’ve a very nice place in Andalucia you can rent”
JS: “Shut up bitch or I’ll set the Metropolitan Police on you. Ever tried an asp kiss?”
This is just a copy of the Green Book.
Ssshhh.
http://www.twofatthievingslagsinthecesspit.com
You may hate us, but you can’t do **** all about us!
I don’t think it is fair to be unkind about these two respectable and beautiful Labour MPs. These two charming ladies are trying their best to give pubklic service and deserve more than cheap jibes and silly captions.
People should refrain from jumping on the bandwagon about MPs’ expenses and such. Most of it is simply jealousy and media hype.
Sorry … I cannot write any more, my medicaton is due.
Armed with this new information we can really up our game I think.
What a pity Guido took his mask off! I would have loved to have joined you & him for a sex club sandwich, Madge. My hubby is not working hard, so he could cum-around to video us as well, this time next year we could be Millionaires’.
Nah ! don’t be silly Jacqui, let’s just spend like millionaires anyway and charge it as usual, I’d rather feck the constituents anyday.
On the topic of annoying women: Why won’t Nadine Dorries Shut Up?
She’s a trougher, but she’s distracting us from all the premier league troughers.
Why is Hazel Blears still a cabinet minister? Why are the bloody Balls completely untouched. Why the fuck isn’t Elliot Morely in prison yet?
And why hasn’t Baroness Uddin been dragged onto the streets and hung from a lamp-post?
Good to see you’re constantly on the c(h)ase! Indeed, the guilloutine should used to the max now. Quickly as well, before the suicides start.
Poor luvvies
They steal and pillage
and now wa nt our sympacthy for being found out
NO WAY LUVVIES
THE PEOPLE WANT JUSTICE
And what’s happened about the bloody Uddin woman ???????
There is honour among thieving peers – especially Tony’s Cronies – we now see what that really means
A bunch of criminals no less covering up for each other
Uddin’s gone quiet – too quiet. Something is afoot and we’re not being told.
On similar stuff, why did Hague on QT last night not agree that Martin should be denied the customary peerage? All he said was Martin should be asked if he was going to be an active member of the HofL! Of course he’ll be active – how esle can he claim his per diem exes and travel from Jock-land for Lady Martin’s shopping trips. If there’s been any kind of nod and wink on this, and if Martin goes to the Lords, there will be trouble on the streets – the public will not stand for it.
What is becoming obvious is that the current crop of MPs think that they are the people best placed to change the way things are done and should be given time to do so. They are out of touch on this – the public wants “clean skins” not anyone associated with the old guard. When will they get this into their tiny minds?
why don’t you racists leave her alone!
Cameron should withdraw the Whip from Dorries
before she does any more damage to the Tory Party AND HERSELF !!
theres something a bit :hookie: about the above comment!
hanging me and jailing the others you are discrminating against bangladeshis you racist
Nadine’s a stupid bitch, that’s why. I’d give her one though – and her comely daughter, eh Guido.
Jenny Dorries is one hot bitch. Fucking delicious!
Mmmm. Imagine a mum and daughter sandwich. Slurp.
Bercow been at it big time as well according to the Telegraph. Flippin heck!
At 4’10″ maybe nobody noticed her?
From Anti-Social Behaviour in Luton South(ampton), to Anti-Socialist Behaviour in Redditch, New Labour go from believing they can do no wrong to believing they’ve done nothing wrong…
“Do you like Luton?”
“Well, I’ll take what I can get.”
or
“Nice instruction manual.”
The feminine face of Tammany.
The Bonnie and Clyde of Westminster
Two eager hopefuls await their turn to be interviewed as porn stars by
http://www.fat-lezza-porkers-bukkake-fest.com
JS: ‘Dearie – you’ve overdone the fake tan’
Moron: ‘Nah it’s real from the sun in Spain and them bloody taxpayers should be pleased as I didn’t ‘ave to claim for no fake tan.’
JS:’Well the leather handbag look really suits. Are the broken bloodvessels from the Rioja?’
Two poor inocent victims of the Telegraph’s notorious MCCarthyite witch hunts are kept on round-the-clock suicide watch.
js: Why is there a huge dress-shaped hole in the curtains?
second and third place contestant in the new labour extreme make over contest : won by margret beckett!
Moran: “My husband’s company promotes inclusivity?”
Jacqui: “Really? Maybe he could include mine in a circle jerk.”
Together: “Piss, moan. Piss, moan. Aren’t men awful?”
Tugger up for “Menage et Trois” after this?
“…and that is why, no matter what we do, its you who all belong in prison.”
Moran and Smith reminiscing at their post-election job orientation as new members of the Big Issue sales force.
Anti-social behaviour handbook? I’ve never really needed a handbook myself. It just sort of comes naturally.
Moran: “So where it puts stealing in the “yes” column, that means we’re supposed to do it, right?”
Smith: “Yes. At least that’s how I understand it. This handbook’s what I’ve been working to for years.”
Moran: “Cool. It’s a fantastic handbook. I’m in the “yes” column for everything.”
Smith: “Me too. We must both be really good at our jobs, then.”
Two fat ladies 88 – maggie and jacki
BINGO
Moran explains the difference between ‘Hand Book’ and ‘Hand Job’ to Jackie Smith.
[jacqui smith ] “Inspired idea to hide the second homes brochure, Margaret”
[maggie] “Jacqui, what the voters don’t know, cannot hurt them !”
js: Remember to smile. The Fees Office posts the cheques on a Friday.
O/T but doesn’t Smith seem to be handling that book the way Delia Smith handles her food? Ie (in the words of Viz) likes she’s washing a tramp’s cock.
margaret so your auntie has written this rule book on how to behave said jackie. Is it as easy to follow as the one on expenses she commented.
“Who are the cheeky boys?”
It’s a chavalanche!
Desperate to get some more money now her allowances have been cut, Margaret Moran MP launches her autobiography.
‘Richard not eating with us tonight Jacqui?’
‘No, it was a bad line but I believe he said he ‘d rather stay in on his own and enjoy – what sounded like prawn coctail’.
Margaret Moron and Jaqui Smith in dispute over toilet paper expenses.
Lard have mercy. It’s the fat slags.
Does my claim look big in this?
C’mon girls smile. Say sleaze!
Labour MPs view the finished product after several million pounds of consultancy fees and printing contracts given to close family members.
Two deep-fried crispy pork to go please
I didnt realise they even had social behaviour in Luton let alone anti-social behaviour…
” Jackboot Jackers is assisted by a Moran in promoting ‘Gordo’s extra large print guide to tractor stats 1997-2007′ “
Two MPs sign suicide pact.
Can we both claim for the ware and tear on our eyes reading this shite?
Of course we can.
I was just thinking that about reading this blog
2 New prisoners on thier arrival in the Governor of Holloway’s office flicking through the prison welcoming pack.
‘I am sorry ladies, says the Governor, but at Holloway prison unlike your former home, only the pigs are allowed to put their snouts in the trough. Flipping, no, no flipping between cells. Porno, no none of that either. Dry rot, relax, its at our second home, sorry prison, so we will fix that.
Oh, and by the way others like you will be arriving so you will have to bunk up.
Enjoy you stay and we may make an exception for you both and permit you to put your snouts in the trough, since clearly its habit of yours. If we didn’t I am sure the European Court of Human rights would over turn our ruling so go ahead and dig in’.
I would love to have a threesome with both of them. The tit wanks would be amazing.
*retches*
But as they flop upward with the momentum, you will see all the blackheads underneath, you would have to be a real pro to be able to keep going till the pearl necklace!
If you looked at your pay slip you’d find that you’ve already been fucked over by that pair…
Luton socially sucked by Leechers.
J.SMITH (through gritted teeth): Just pop your name in there above my husbands.
Stage direction – Fat Huhne signs the thieves register.
[jacqui] – ‘Just look on the bright side, Mags, nobody thinks we are as bonkers as Nadine Dorries – yet..’
[mags] – ‘Well, if she wants a twelve-bird roast with Liverpool FC, that is her business and her’s alone..’
“it’s all in the rules- see!”
Latest Kate Garraway look alike hopefulls rejected by Simon Cowell.
Errr…. who would hope to look like Kate Garraway….she’s a f**king moose
JS: ‘She’s having the dry rot flipped with a fraudulent sauce of lies. I’ll settle for the lies.’
If you look at my ring margaret youll see its five carrot diamonique and on sale for two pound fifty but i claimed 6432 quid.
Does my fraud look big in this?
On waking up between these two, Guido determines to forsake alcohol forthwith.
I bet Guido would love to watch these two strap one on and then take turns fucking him up the arse.
Does my bung look big in this?’
So this is the draft copy of the new Green Book? Who leaked it to you?
Slappers of Mass Corruption
2nd HS to Moron – “The Luton South Anti-Social Behaviour Hand Book? I didn’t think the the Human Rights Act meant we had to supply the Chavs with an instruction booklet.”
LOL
“So you represent Luton South? I heard it as ‘Looting Sow.”
S&M – you know it makes sense!
Mrs Smith shows with her right hand what they both think of the electorate
Brown unveils the panel for his tough new MP’s expenses scrutiny committee quango report
Jackboot “ooh look Maggie, here’s a picture of hubby dearest with Black Rod”
Margaret ” What the chap from Parliament?”
Jackboot ” no silly, that well endowed jamacian man he met on Hampstead Heath”
Ha ha VERY GOOD
quadruple lol
I do use L’or-ee-steal.
Because I think I’m worth it.
MM: How’s your red itch?
JS: Shut your bleedin’ Luton South!
“Jacqui – I think we need to re-write what it says about petty theft”
“Well you ARE the expert, sweetheart!”
Moron – order what you want, it’s on the house
Jackie – which one?
“Jacqui Does Luton”;
New porn film from famous “Debbie Does Dallas” producer to start filming soon in Bedfordshire town…….co-star has to pull out due to dry rot downstairs.
What a coincidence – you’ve rimmed Hazel as well!
Double Chips and a Deep Fried Pizza please, yes that’s each.
Unlike Nadine we know when to shut up.
M: Can I smell your Huhne?
J: No.
M: Must be your feet then.
An oldie but goldie!
The Home Secretary really hadn’t tried in the eve of Conference Pauline Prescott lookalike competition.
Casting Director for lesbian Buttfelchers 3 sacked.
OK ladies, I know Hasell is hiding behind Anti Social Behaviour…….you can come out now!!!
Margaret Moran insists today that her actions were within the spirit, if not the letter, of the terms of her anti-social behaviour order, requiring her to act as anti-socially as possible, whenever possible. Jackie Smith commented that “What people have to understand is that what passes for anti social behaviour as far as right thinking, hard working members of the public are concerned, is perfectly acceptable in Westminster, and Margaret Moran has demonstrated very ably just how much hard she has worked to make sure that her greed stands out as exceptional, even amongst her Labour colleagues.
Anyway…. since when was Handbook two words?
Illiterate hoons.
There’s going to be one hell of a bitch fight for top bunk in the cell.
Moran: “The public think Gordon Brown is the worst Prime Minister this country’s ever had and most of them hate his guts”
Smith: “That’s terrorism. I’ll have the bastards arrested”
Gordon told us to come here for the money shot – sounds good,does it mean we get loads of cash sprayed our way?
Why does the idea of ‘withdrawing the whip from Dorries’ make my fanny go all wavy?
I just said it out loud and spunked all over my computer screen.
Dick Timney, is that you, you wanker?
You must be badly in need………nurse………
Come off it, Bob, Nadine’s hot!
I reckon Dorries could even turn Mrs Dale. I bet she’s done the little queen with a strap-on at the very least.
Homophobics reunited
Homophilia kills
Marge : Are you going on the stump Jackie ?
Jackie : Pointless Marge, in more ways than one, we’re going to get fucked by the voters anyway, so why make the effort ?
That’s it, I’m never using that fucking escort agency ever again.
Later, Jaqcui and Mags get picked up at biker bar,
http://thechive.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/pig-swine-flu-0.jpg
Moran;
“Is it Gordon under the table?”
Jacqui;
“It must be – he’s doing that weird thing with his mouth again”
Moran “What’ll you do when you get kicked out of Parliament babe?”
Smith “I’ll probably phone Worcester Comp. and try an get my old cookery teacher job back. What about you babe?”
Moran “Back to bricklaying, I suppose”
The new all girl singing group called Dry Rot and Bath Plugs
promote their latest release entitled-
” BECAUSE WE’RE WORTH IT !! “
Why has Jacqui Smith been wearing the same suit everyday for almost two years? Is this some kind of psychology trick that she was going to pull that we where meant to feel sorry for her cause she couldn’t afford new clothes and was going to go clothes shopping at our expense before the porno claim came out??
After all,those kind of deposits do leave a mark,don’t they?
Keep it simple Guido,
I just look at these two and think
“TWO CHEAP NU LABOUR WHORES”
We’ll both have troffle omelettes please with a double side order of casino chips and train-flavoured gravy
“Looks like it’s dodgy estate agent time again …”
What?
You want us to make it look like a working lunch so we can claim for it?
O.K. I’ll hide the John Lewis catalog in here.
or
Two working girls look for somewhere to set up new premises.
Smith: “You fool, Moran! Wanking over a porn video isn’t anti-social behaviour”
Moran: “It is when you charge the video rental to the taxpayer, luv”
it is if your still in the video shop!
What’s with your Richard and the porno vids, then?
Well, I’m no size zero, but every time ‘e goes down on me, ‘e scorches ‘is bum on the lightbulb.
Is that Hazel Blears feet at the bottom? I wondered where she was hiding.
…the myth of socialism is far stronger than the reality of capitalism. That is because capitalism is not really an ism at all. It is what people do if you leave them alone.
Prisoner – Cell Block HP
“I bulldozed through my neighbour’s land – top that!”
“I bulldozed through a thousand years of civil liberties – top that!”
Pass me your eye liner Mags…
The queen of Rot vs the queen o Frot
OT Guido you feeling better yet?
Crawler.
Not at all. just exhibiting womanly concern. Is that Misog?
Take a champagne flute, drop in a sugar cube and enough brandy so that the sugar cube soaks up the brandy. Now top up with champange and drink. You’ll feel fantastic for 20 minutes and then fall fast asleep for 5 hours.
@ 479
Keep me out of this!
Missed you Misog!
He won’t once he’s sobered up and realises he’s offered a couple of prizes for this caption competition, he’s as tight as ***k
Ex-spent
“If you’ve got any dry rot in your sister’s box room, I know just the people – they’ll be happy to give you an invoice for 20K – no questions asked.”
“And if you’re looking for a bit of porn, I can point you to the right channels”.
God help us, are these the poster girls for Slob a Gob week ?
this months short list for bodyhair monthly are…..
Do you think anyone will be fooled that we give a toss?
12 years of New Labour and we have gone from Blair’s Babes to Brown’s Boilers.
JS: Won’t this mean we have to arrest people who break the rules?
MM: Don’t worry Jacqui, the rules are so wide, even the worst criminals will act within them…
Fucking hell, is that my breakfast ?
the short list for bodyhair monthly are…..
Moran More’n More
Heard in the Luton Arms pub at closing time -
Avoid the rush………GO UGLY EARLY
“And this is the airport I got on expenses, only had to tell them I needed to travel in my job”
Its goodnight from me and its goodnight from her, Goodnight!
“Second homes for heroines.”
Moron ugly, thieving piece of shit to Smith ugly, thieving piece of shit:
It’s a shame Gordon’s smashed all the Nokias – we’ll both need a cell phone soon.
Smith ugly, thieving piece of shit to Moron ugly, thieving piece of shit:
No chance of that – Knacker always does exactly as he’s told. This is a democracy, after all.
Both: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Rise in Homosexuality traced to this picture.
Rise in homophobia traced to this blog.
You are Derek Draper, I claim my £5.
No – don’t you realise you are looking at two fine ZaNu chaps in drag.
We’re fat, we’re round, we’ve troughed a million pounds – Mags and Jacqui … Mags and Jacqui.
(to the tune of the old football chant He’s fat, he’s round, he’s worth a million pounds – Peter Reid … Peter Reid)
Two regular visitors to Barratt Homes get the VIP treatment.
Realising that the booklet was about Luton, Moran tried to camouflage herself against the red wall just in case people thought she had a connection with the place.
“Yep, the architec said he can do all this for 10 grand but will give me an invoice for 23. Do you want his name?”
I quite fancy the one on the right…
The hoonetts rehurse their party piece for the labour conference.
I’m crap at captions, but I’m not sure my house is big enough for the Labour book of sleaze anyway
Moran – “Smile Jacqs, could be worse – at least you’re not Sarah Brown”
“I’ll bet your new book needs a plug too.”
Jacki – I got my husband to download this filth from his premium site last night and they kindly put a boring cover sheet on it.
Moron – Cor look at the size of that one
New Asda Brothel opens with “Buy One Get One Free”.
Blair’s Babes, Brown’s Boilers.
Moran: Where’s the third witch?
Smith: Margaret Beckett couldn’t make it.
Blair’s Babes, the sequel.
“Labour unveils new “all-wimmin” short-list.”
Yes thats just like the one I found hidden in his sock drawer.
Dirty Des announces winners of the readers wives competition.
”This is brilliant – what a pity we got caught, it’s only page 6…”
I think we ought to print one for MPs only, don’t you think.Jacqui?
Does my house look big in this ?
Ja(quim for free) Smith: Wouldn’t it have been more surprising if we’d found signs of social behaviour in Luton?
Moron: Oh no, we don’t like to cut corners in Luton. I do enough of that on my expenses form!
Ja(queasy porn) Smith: Well, I suppose I do believe in throwing everything at anti-social behaviour, including the bathroom plug as they say!
Have you ever thought of Luton, Jacquie? Handy for the airport AND nowhere near your constituency. I have a little place there you might be interested in. Very reasonable and it could be made quite presentable with £20k a year spent on it.
Lootin’ in Luton
“Don’t worry Jacqui the photographer doesn’t speak a word of English. You know you what were saying about how Richard won’t go near you and prefers videos, well I heard that Peter M went to a clinic last October and he had his ‘you know what’ tightened up and apparently it’s worked wonders for his love life and they do it for us wimmin. I don’t suppose it comes cheap but it’s worth thinking about and you could always sneak it through the Fees Office as repairs. Say Cheese.”
Jacqui and Margaret decide to do their homework together
Moron –> Smith “Do you still cut your own hair?”
Sorry Guido, – re my above entry – forgot to assign it to ‘insult / abuse’ or ‘witty’. Probably former.
However, my inspiration was, of course, the peerless Spring Watch – and Naure Study. So that might place in ‘witty’ cat. Perhaps.
Am currently following in yr excellent footsteps – or drinking pattern – Pims exceptd. Can’t stand girly drinks meself. Stright on to the proper stuff – me.
Hope yer feelin bettr soon me old love. Hav a good w/e.
YS
Tit Watcha – a’studyin every Tit I can.
Shouldn’t we be reading The Southampton south anti-social behaviour hand book????
Why does the decorative line on the wall change colour ? Has someone missed the chance of a home refurb claim ? Well I never !
4 tits – bad
2 (of these) tits – worse
Pull the udder one.
My place or yours?
My face or yours?
My entry:
Moran: ‘Do you like the look of what I’ve been up to in Luton?’
Smith: ‘That’s too filthy even for my hubby!’
2 Homes Secretary- “Yes, Margaret these are my expenses claims since I joined the Cabinet. The Fees Office call my claims ‘ Jacqui-anory” because they say it’s mostly a fairy tale”
M.Moron- ” Fairly tale ? It’s just a load of old rot “
Jacqui: “With its local services and handy airport, without antisocial behaviour Luton would be a super place for my sister to buy my third home”
Margaret: “That’s why I just use it to store the furniture for my Spanish place.’
Who ate all the pies?
Reservoir Dogs 2.
MM: Jaqui, I love what the second home office has done with the anti-social behaviour charter.
JS: I haven’t read it, but Richard said it wasn’t what he had in mind when I asked him about the Hand Book
There, Jacqo. It _does_ say that “masturbating in public expenses (to ‘Jacq off’)” is an anti-social behaviour.
Smith visits Moron in her Southampton bunker, to talk ironically about ASB.
2nd attempt
“I bulldozed my neighbours’ rights through my land”
“I bulldozed all my countrymen’s rights throughout the land”
“Waiter…..we’re ready to order!”
The Trougher, the Bad, and the Ugly.
Proof that perhaps burkhas are not such a bad idea after all.
J.S Poorly photocopied piece of rubbish?
M.M. Yeah, claimed TEN GRAND on Ex’s for it!
J.S. Nice!!!
Fiddle Dum & Fiddle Dee
Do you think we could pay Cinders out of our ACA? Maybe we could share her!
Custody Sgt. Now prisoner scum sorry ‘ladies’ , here are your rights under the Police and Criminal Evidence act, whilst in my cells, you wont be laughing soon.
Or
Remember the Nuremberg defence Margaret, we were only following orders from the Fees Office, claim claim claim, as much as you can, its all within the rules.
Innovative MPs use generous communication allowances to create the worlds first A4 sized ‘hand book’…
Margaret Moran to Jacqui Smith : If you’re short of money you can always porn something.
Jacqui Smith : That’s a good idea. I’ll tell my husband to look into it.
“Trough on Crime……..Troughing the Cause of Crime.”
“So jackie this is what Luton South looks like, I’m sorry but I just can’t bring myself to move there from my safe Southampton home.”
“Don’t worry Margaret I found a great way to cheat the tax-payer on your second home, so you can make it look like you live in your constituency with out ever going there and the House has made it that no one will ever know!”
Smith: I found this hidden inside one of Richard’s magazines.
Hmm. So, if you say you live with me and my sister, you can get me tucked and tightened for free, that should save the taxpayer in the long run ?
British Gas launch their “What to do with old boilers” ad campaign
Cats UK announce comeback.
Let’s hear it girls,
“Luton Airport……….”
Cameron’s Tories: Austerity for everyone except millionaires with moats.
Only Labour will help hard-working families.
This is NO TIME FOR A NOVICE.
Can always hire advisers, isn’t that what New Labour did in 1997?
As for novices, how did a PhD in History, and a career as a Journalist at Scottish TV (Current Affairs) give a certain Scottish Gentleman the experience to become Chancellor.
Fuck off and enjoy the Bank Holiday, last chance before you get slaughtered in the Europeans, unless of course you don’t have any friends
Harman_Hardwidge says:
May 22, 2009 at 4:04 pm
Cameron’s Tories: Austerity for everyone except millionaires with moats.
Only Labour will help hard-working families.
Yeah, lose their jobs and homes that is.
Sorry to see you’ve been in a coma for the last 12 years, but I’ve got some really bad news………
Troughers R us launch campaign for new members.
“I bet that Guido bastard tries to make a caption competition out of this.”
The centre page pull out is my husband watching TV in the nude again
Margaret: “You say your husband read this copy of the brochure last night?”
Jacqui: “Why do you think I’m holding it so gingerly?”
WHAT sort of plugs did you say we need?
“You see Jackie, by looking at Luton South Anti-Social Behavliour report you can easily find my replacement.”
“Your right Margaret, just look at all the crooks you have it could be the House of Commons.”
[Not for posting... Sorry mods... didn't think it had gone through.]
Moran : Did Gordon write this handbook.
Smith – Yes, It should have read ‘ Loot The South’
Jacqui: “That’s an honest autobiography”
And the great news is Jaqui, that I know just the person to help us with the website – I can get us a great rate too!
Auditions for ‘Britain’s Got Thieves’
Britain’s got talents (in our pockets)
You were right about getting a patio heater Jackie but I think I sat too close to it.
Jacqui “You farted in front of me”
Moran ” Oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t realise it was your turn”
Hold the brochure up a bit Jacqui yer hubbie is doing great stuff with his tongue
Erm that’s Rover you Moron
Labour’s leading ladies contemplate their future.
Never been shagged?
Smith – “All these expenses revelations are really getting me down Margaret”
Moran – “It’s a shame you don’t have a second home by the sea to get away from it all, like I do”
Labour, tough on crime, tough on the causes of crime…
Not
Not Just any expenses scammers – These are M and S.
J Smith: “I’ll use this for my cat litter tray later.”
Has anybody seen hazel?
cackle cackle cackle
Moran: Know of any spare rooms going cheap?
Smith: Umm.
Jacqui; An interesting little book Margaret but, it will never replace the John Lewis list.
Phew! Don’t blame you for living in Southampton Margaret.
Luton has its anti-social moments but, comes a long way second to the Palaces of Westminster.
Well, at least fraud doesn’t appear as a problem in Luton.
Two of Labour’s brightest study their new code of conduct.
The old uns are the best: politics, its showbusiness for ugly people!
WE ARE FUCKIN USELESS WE ARE , BUT WE GET THE GOOD JOBS CAUSE WE’RE WIMIN INNIT !
“Luton South; Anti-social behavior”
Do you think Southampton’s far enough away to avoid all those Luton youths Jacqui?
Jacqui remembers she is supposed to buy some porn on her way home. Now which “Raw meat” was it she was supposed to get?
Jockey: Its our last chance – a menage a trois with Guido.
Moron:No chance – he prefers Dick Sniffin of the BNP
Labour MPs present evidence that they have acted within the rules.
Two of Labour’s finest pictured at their latest launch of rules for other people.
This little piggy went to Redditch
And this little piggy went to Spain
And this little piggy had a box room
And this little piggy could not explain
Why this little piggy went wee-wee-wee-wee-wee all the way home*
*To London, no, sorry, Granada, no Luton, what am I saying? Southampton.
Moran: (muttered) Hmm, I wonder if I can claim this free booklet on ‘tips on how to maximize your antisocial behaviour’ back on expenses?
Smith: (also muttered) Hand’s off bitch. Not only do I outrank you, but I’ve also got damp patches all over the sofa, Richard’s been ‘sleeping’ over again…
Labour MPs hide gold candlesticks behind policy document.
M Moran: “Jacqui Smith is a great Home Secretary.”
You may very well think that, we could’nt possibly comment.
£100 pounds a copy may seem a lot but its signed by all the MP’s named in the Telegraph.
Moran: Is this a work of fiction, Jacqui??
Smith: You wish…
Two Labour party members introduce the new government guide titled
“How to offer implausible excuses after ‘luton’ the public purse”
LASHINGS OF DISCIPLINE
CORRECTLY GIVEN
08981-344765
Margaret and Jacqui plan for their future together.
I’ve just shat my knickers…
Can I use this to mop up?
Jacqui: I know we’re laughing all the way to the bank, but you really should swallow first.
And the big bad wolf huffed and puffed, but the two greedy piggies would not go away….
“The Party’s over.
It’s time to call it a day…….”
Relocation, Relocation – special edition from Holloway
Prison.
and this is the official New Labour instruction manual for MP’s
Smith: How will covering my face with this fix my dry rot?
Moran: Sorry dear, I thought you said rat.
News Flash! Acute shortage of reading material in new parliamentary psychiatrist’s waiting-room.
Which flick shall we watch tonight…
Moran:I prefer ‘domination’..
Jacqui: Oh, OK then…
“Lied Rice” for 2 and some prawn “Balls” with the Eds taken off!
Asbo Diddley meets Asbo Fiddley.
Luton South? Its no Southampton now is it . . . .
Ah so this isn’t a positive list of things you are allowed to get away with…
If ye want us to stop screwing the taxpayer, please send us vibrators then.
” Loads of dosh
in Luton Soth”
Jacqui stared at the intruder like a deer caught in the headlights. Margaret, who had read further in the South Luton Anti-Social Behaviour Hand Book than her colleague, gazed ahead with a smug expression on her face. Yes, she thought, I have been caught cheating. But at least I have done it by the book.
Have you tried tax free porn to lubricate the dry rot ?
ASBO on Margaret Moran: Stay out of Luton
I really believe, Nadine, that offering your Luton constituents free access to porno films will secure your seat.
The MP for Looting South regrets using the government’s Grauniad account for printing her constituency materials.
Truth busters
Those two in positions of responsibility. Seriously, is it any wonder the UK is totally fucked.
They’d be better suited browsing through cheap knickers in some market stall.
Gordon said ‘Luton South’ sounds too close for an allowance.
He suggested Colchester Muckle West.
At a Waterstones book signing session Moron & Smithie launch a new series of books , including blockbusters such as :-
Shafting Joe Public, for Dummies
Expenses , for Dummies
Second Homes, for Dummies
Overseas Property, for Dummies
Hanging on to Power, for Dummies
Basic Flipping, for Dummies
Capital Gains Tax, for Dummies
etc
etc
OT but…
Lets hope this works Her friend, the parliamentary puppet JOHN LYON should swing too they are all in it up to their necks.
I love this little exchange:
“The Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, John Lyon, wrote to Ms Smith, asking for her explanation about the £116,000 she had claimed since becoming an MP.
But the home secretary replied insisting that she “fully abided” by the rules”
He said, oh that’s alright then!
Time for this man, who is nothing but a vacuum cleaner for public money, to GO
email received from a friend in Australia:
: Fwd: Only in England
Outside Bristol Zoo there is a car park for 150 cars and 8 coaches.
There also used to be a very pleasant attendant
with a ticket machine charging cars £1 and coaches £5.
This parking attendant worked there for all of 25 years,
then one day just didn’t turn up for work….
“Ho hum”, said Bristol Zoo Management -
“better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant” ……
“Err no”, said the Council, “that car park is your responsibility” …
“Err no”, said Bristol Zoo Management,
“the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn’t he?”
….. “Err NO!”
Sitting in his villa, somewhere in Spain, is a very happy and contented retiree
who had been taking car parking fees of around £300 a day
at Bristol Zoo for the past 25 years…
(Hey, good luck to him ……. nice work if you can get it!!)
TRUE STORY:
Well if the MP’s can swindle the British public if Must be OK.
“”What do you mean “Labours not working” ? “” – ask two Working Girls from Luton
Two victims of ZaNuLab’s dumming down education system, who have no knowledge of Geography, struggle to find a place called Luton
It was all smiles when the photo was taken, but seconds before the two were arguing who got to claim for the cost of the leaflet, the table, the chairs, the backdrop…”
Moron: My boyfriend moved hundreds of miles to avoid having to fuck me.
Smith: My husband would rather wank all day in the living room than fuck me.
Both: Let’s fuck everyone!
Jacqui “I have just been Weavered”
Moron “See you in Holloway then”
Add Prescott and you’ve got a ton and half of filthy NuLab lard!
I’d do the one on the right. Do I need help?.
Jacqui : “I’ll have a quick hand tossed salad garnished ala porno for starters”
Maggie: “Mine’s a Bloater, pan fried and drizzled with seaside relish.
JS : i dont know ime confused , i really dont know what to claim for next
MM : Just look at it like a tax payer funded argos catalogue !!
Smith: I sucked Gordon’s cock and he made me Home Secretary.
Moron: I sucked Gordon’s cock and I got woodworm.
HA HA
Margaret Moran gives me the horn something shocking.
Love it, love it, love it.
WANGQKHERS
Eh?
WTF!
Now then, Margaret, this is my definitive guide to anti-social behaviour in Luton.Please use this as your guide.
Moron: “Your old man knows how to pick his videos”
Fat Shit: ” What do you think, Duelling Dildoes or Bumming Bruni?”
We’ll go through the Argos Catalogue together once the photographer has gone.
Lets Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer.
Let’s make allowances for each other.
smith: how can the government stop antisocial behaviour and restore public confidence? moron we could all resign!
Jacqui, if you and Timney are going through a rough patch may I suggest that you contact the Luton Citizens Advice Bureau on 01582 731 616 or
http://www.lutoncab.com. Details can be found in my new Luton South Antisocial Behaviour handbook
…..I noticed it lost picture quality over time, but we got it back to full HD standard merely by Richard washing the screen down with warm soapy water. Odd, that. I’ll never understand electronics.
Home Secretary awards the first of many MP’s ASBOs in recognition of their supreme efforts in fleecing the taxpayer. Her own award will be bestowed upon her in person by the electorate at a date to be advised…
Smith :I am very interested in this brochure of your second home for rent. Tell me does it come with all the usual TV Channels (wink) know what I mean, know what I mean
Fat slags convene Bedforshire’s first dogging focus group.
JS “Your place or mine”
MM “Which one?
Extract from ‘The Redditch and Luton Tribune’
‘Kiddies Korner’
Enter our Find the Thief Competition!!
Study the picture above. We have hidden a Fascist Fraudster and a Shady Property Developer somewhere in the photoraph. Can you find them? Send your entry to Mr Lyon, Freebie House, Troughingham Lane, Philyerboots, Tillit, Herts
And this is me in “Big’Uns”
Fat slag: “I welcome the constituency’s new expenses guidelines for MP’s.”
Jacqui Smith: “I need a second home because my first home is completely covered in jism.”
Fairy Story
Once upon a time there were two wicked sisters who lived far from Westminster. One named Margaret the other Jacqui. Both were very naughty girls….the story continues, these girls were “Hands not Christian Anderson”.
Spliff: How can we stop antisocial behaviour in Luton South?
Moron: You could start by not letting their MP shit over 50million taxpayers.
Spliff: Boom, Boom
Moron: Bust
McDoom: Your both fired
*
BOARING
This looks a nice one. I’ll take out the mortgage on expenses and we’ll split the loot from you saying the back bedroom is your second home. Just make sure there’s no rot.
There I told you Margaret. Luton to Southampton is only two inches on the map.
Moran: I still don’t understand what this ‘anti-social’ behaviour stuff is ?
Smith: I think it’s something other people do dear
Caption contest
Pair wanted for looting the south .
Is this the jobs section?.
Thought bubble from both heads simultaneously:
“Never mind ASBOs, if SHE only knew that I’ve got a wheeze going on that’s so juicy it would get us both 10 years in Holloway if it ever got out!”
All sing along now: “Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves…..”
Well who won?
entry for abuse / insult category
Four Tits and a Pamphlet(o)
WANGQKER
Don’t worry, Margaret dear. These rules only apply in Luton South.
Jack’s so kind. He’s having Holloway specially refurbished already and we can pick the cell fittings from John Lewis
Home sec: There’s no pompey scum in luton you mad bitch, now let go of it I seem to have run out of bog roll again.
Latest Timeshare magazine delivered to common room.
It’s not just any troughing, it’s feminist socialist troughing.
No! don’t move the leflet, they will see the bloody champers you rotter.
One to spell out the words and one to turn the pages. Strangely both can fill out expense claims.
Pinch and Jackboot
That’s the way to do it!
That’s the way to do it!
My God Jacqui- this full colour nude centre fold of Gordon has crack in it!
If you are stuck Margaret my sister has another spare room!
Moran: “Do you think my large forehead will distract them?”
Thought bubble from Smith:, “We are so fucked”
“Well, Home Secretary, with a property brochure like this, did you think I’d buy another house there?”
“Fancy a curry after this?”
“Yeah, but only if they’re paying.”
MM
Well, what do you think of my autobiography?
JS
Untouchable! It’ll never reach the dizzy heights of Drapers book though.
My husband would wank over this
Maybe my last post wasn’t far off the mark. I’ve just found a pdf copy of the front and introduction pages of the pictured hand book, on MM’s site, it’s full title is……
The Luton South, anti-social behaviour handbook, your guide to the law.
by
Margaret Moron
http://www.margaretmoran.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/antisocialhandbook_sample.pdf
Did you remember to take out the bit about anti-social behaviour in a spare room?
Margaret – “Hello Jacqui – So nice of you to come, and did you travel all the way from London in a chauffeur driven car at the taxpayers’ expense?”
Jacqui – “Nah – Luton Airport”
The co-authors of the Luton South Anti-Social Behaviour Hand Book had a wealth of personal knowledge to draw upon.
Red itch?
Not surprised, I bet you need asb(est)os knickers with your Dick.
I stick to looting, the trip back from holiday is all on expenses.
“Is this paid for by your constituents or mine?”
Meet the “Viz” girls in the flesh.
‘After being guided towards the appropriate self-help materials by the MP for Luton South, the financially stricken Home Secretary suddenly remembered that all was not yet lost north west of London…’
Jacqui Smith: Do you think with the increased educational attainment achieved under New Labour that they’ll realise “Hand Book” should be one word?
Margaret Moran : No. But I really don’t give a t*ss either way.
Margaret : “Jacqui darling, just keep your hand steady or the auctioneers brochure will slip down and appear in the shot.”
“This is my second book. My main book’s the Green book.”
shit/moron” god she is ugly – she makes me look great”
jacqui
“i dont think i can hold this porno mag in here for much longer”
this little piggy went to market this little piggy got an asbo……..
A bit off topic ,
But so far there have been 686 answers, just to this caption contest, imagine multiplying that by the numbers of people who feel shat off by this thieving behaviour who don’t blog, and who don’t bother checking Guido daily, perhaps tens of millions.
These politicians will be eating shit sandwiches for the rest of their lives.
This will be bigger than the Dissolution of the Monasteries and the Reformation.
too fucking right man – even the Telegraph does not realise what it has (RIGHTLY) exposed here – Brown will be out by mid June and there could be massive riots in every city by the hot July/August months.
These scum will NEVER be trusted again.
Of course Hoon and Purnell are the biggest criminals
My MP came back from holiday.
Jamaica?
Yes but I had to use a cattle prod.
J: Can you remember who said you needed to feel guilt for condemnation to hurt?
M: Course not but who cares, they’re all confusing us with people who gives a toss.
Q. Were you truly wafted here from Paradise?
A. Nah, Southampton!
After being caught on an expenses camera, Jacqui Smith attends a mandatory expenses addiction workshop , that highlights the dangers of being caught with your hand in the till.
GET YER CHITS OUT!
Honestly, I don’t know what it say’s, don’t forget I was educated under NuLiebour as well.
“and by placing the porn inside this booklet, we hide it from the taxpayer”
Loot on
Loot on
With your snout in the trough
You will never loot alone
You will never loot alone
Spliff : “I’ll say this for Luton South, Maggie, it makes Redditch look like Monaco”.
“When the Press have gone, we’ll get back to the John Lewis catalogue”.
Jacqui: “We thought new MPs deserved the benefit of our experience, so we put this little red book together to outline all the dodges available to them in the House.”
“your place or mine?”
“One of your places or one of mine?”
Asbos for ‘asbeens
It’s a fungal infection, you know!
Porno Jackie and manky Margaret sing in chorus from the same sleazy song sheet.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
who’s the snoutiest trougher of all?
You take the North road, I’ll take the South road and You’ll be in prison before me.
If you woke between those two, you have gnaw your arms off then kick them to death so that world would never know, bit like claiming fees actually.
Lootin’ south is where Margaret has been – I don’t know how she had the time to produce this leaflet (what with all the dry rot and the tan).
Moron: Just remember you’re here to plug my new ASBO initiative.
Jacqui: Don’t talk rot, the only plugs I do are the ones I can claim for
Jacqui: Where shall we walk the streets margaret-you’re the MP, you should know the prime positions.
Moran: Cheeky cow- after your porn viewing you should know plenty more positions than me! Ooh, me knickers are honkin. I’ll claim a new pair on expenses!
Moran, Moron, More…..
All we need now is a cauldron, some bats toenails, this tells us how to do it and Hazel to give a hand.
I see gastric banding is to be made available on MP’s expenses
“Thanks for letting me have a look at your comic, Mags.
For some reason, the pages in mine are all stuck together”
“Have you been Tango’d?”
Shall I go down on you first? or you on me Dear?
(entered under the insult / abuse category?
Another rehearsal for the end of term parliamentary pantomime……
And how it goes on election night….
MP1:
“It says here that Honourable and Right Honourable Members can’t act in the way that many have over expenses”.
MP2:
“But it’s all OK according to the rules! Anyway, I kept my fingers crossed behind my back when I filled in my Additional Costs Allowance forms”.
[ANGRY MOB enters from all directions; their paired fingers are definitely not crossed. MPs rapidly run off stage, as if pursued by a bear]
And as these two ladies ponder over the hidden expenses reports on their husband, they begin to understand why all of their nice clothes have disappeard
Jackboots: Fancy coming back to my second home to meet the Honourable Member for Red Itch?
Moron: Yes, he’ll be like a Dick with two dogs.
Now that the two ugly sisters have been cast the producers are looking for someone to play Cinderella.
What with your dry rot and my bath plug we are first in the book.
HUTCH says: -
God help the Mister who comes between us girls and our troughs.
Now children, a story:
“This little piggy pretended she lived in Southampton…
and this little piggy stayed at (her sister’s) home….
Print picture, place in frame, put on mantleshelf, kids won’t dare go near the fire.
And the winner is?
429
Train Announcement
Due to financial reasons we are happy to inform you of the following.
The Luton = South Hampton Lien is due to close imminently.
This will be followed within the next 12 months by the South London to Redditch Lien.
Please note both cost cutting initiatives are due to the unsustainable cost of maintaining both LIENS